Technicalities of no contact

[sifa]

Hi all...have a few questions on how to make the no contact thing work...my ex broke up with me around 2 and a half months ago after a bit over a year together, he told me he was feeling too much pressure, wasn t happy, wasn t feeling like himself in the relationship...i was devastated, still am in many ways...but said fine, u know what my feelings are but there s no point in u being unhappy with me...we agreed we would remain friends, there was no shouting and fighting...and leave it to time...

 

well since then we ve met a few times in work situations and his behaviour has been mixed, sometimes really nice, sometimes cold...even what i hear of his behaviour from friends is different, more moody and nervous...i still love him and i do want him back...i m trying to still be a friend, trying to offer what support i can as a friend for some career things that i know were very important to him...

 

the thing is...we went about 2 weeks not seeing each other after we broke up and then we ve never met alone, just moments alone...i asked him once if he d like to go out for a drink and he said he couldn t but we d do it another time, but he doesnt seem keen so i dont want to push it, promised would give him all the time and space he wants...well anyway, we ve met on and off since then, more so in the last few weeks...which to be honest has me more devastated than ever, seem to be back to square one, keep over analysing everything, and am just down and exhausted most of the time...well after this week we ve got no more work engagements together in the near future...and i dont know what to do now...

 

I am confused, details would be too long but to me the problem seems to be one of panic, fear of commitment, plus a kind of mid life crisis, not seeming to know what he wants...the single life or a committed relationship...his behaviour to me seems like a mix of that, and not wanting to give me false hopes in the meantime...i still believe that somewhere deep in his heart he still has feelings...up to 2 weeks before, i am convinced he was still happy, from things he told me and thnigs he told friends...what scares me is that he has a way of convincing his head that his heart is wrong...heard he s told friends he s convinced he ll never meet anyone right, would love to settle down but will never happen because of that...it s so confusing...

 

Do i do no contact now? will that seem like cutting him off even as a friend? want him to know he still has a friend, has a problem with trust and i want him to realise that he can trust me, even just as a friend...plus he has a birthday coming up soon, would really like to get him a gift, no strings attached, just from a friend...isn t that what friends do? plus gift i have in mind is something i know he d love, maybe would remind him in a way that i am in touch with what goes on in his heart...

 

meantime am trying to take advice everyone keeps posting of taking care of yourself, very hard because you re always thinking at the back of your mind and it does break u down...but i m trying, all this happened at a bad time, problems at work as well...but i m doing all i can, trying to keep busy, planning getaway abroad for a few days...and really find solace in this forum, helps to know there are people who understand the feeling of being torn apart inside...

 

would appreciate your advice...

[goodquestion]

initiate no contact, let him come to you, and no gift ... let him figure things out ... if he does come to you, support him, but don't let him use you as a pin cushion ...

 

l8r

[sachat]

think you should definitively continue no contact.

 

It must be hard seeing each other in a work-related environment. I guess you should give him time to think things through. Especially, if you say he is still moody toward you, it could mean that he need some distance.

[DopeStar]

yes put the NC rule to work and do it right now. My GF of almost 5 years and i are having some troubling time because i bought all her BS about she wanted me to be around all the time, so i was, big mistake. Anyway she told me that she thought that if we moved into different places it would help get us back on our feet. I didnt see this working and felt like i was being dumped. so i immediately got off my butt and started to rebuild a life for myself and i put the NC rule into effect, well as much effect as i could since we live together. I cant just stop talking to her but i did stop calling her almost completely, the only time i call her is when she asks me to and even those are short polite and civil conversations about what going on, not enough details to give her the whole picture but enough to get her off the phone and stop bugging me for more answers. i dont bring her home food from work(i work as a cook PT), I dont leave cards for her anymore(she said she liked it, so thats just more BS i bought), no more flowers, i wait for her to say i love you. Im jsut not the sweet guy was anymore i let her come to me for anything i dont offer but if she asks ill help her out, unless its some trivial task(getting a drink) then i let her do it, i tell her no and continue watching tv.

 

Its working shes calling me more, i dont always answer, shes says i love you first again, she gets home before me and calls me a few time to find out when ill be home, i usually jsut show up eventually but sometimes i call. its driving her crazy i can see it happening in front of me, which makes it very hard to do. After 5 years i have to put my GF on th back burner and treat her like crap so she can see what she said she wanted and she did ask for this, ive just taken to a level i dont think she thought i could take it too.

 

I dont mean to sound like a jerk but youve got it easier then i do, you two are already apart and have been for awhile take the anger that this situation has given and use that too support the actions your about take, you two work together but you should be able to keep yourself busy enough at work to avoid him. for me i live with her, ive got to watch the whole situation everyday. i have no time to be weak about this, she is around alot and i have no place to be alone when i need to be and sometime you need to be alone and just let things out.

 

I wish you luck and i know that this will better you no matter what the outcome, keep your head up, and read the quote from winston churchill in my SIG. PM me if you need to talk maybe we can lend each other an ear.

[Stingseed]

I agree continue no contact. I am myself trying to get my ex back but chasing never works out. Support does when they call. Time will tell all.

[murrayfaces]

It's weird, but I've seen two posts this week talking about people doing no contact, but they still live together. Man, I know that would be extremely hard on me. It took me long enough to take his toothbrush out of the holder in my bathroom. But, little steps like that are what makes no contact work. But, I'm doing the no contact where we don't speak, see, live together, know about, anything relating to each other. For a while my brother would still talk to him, but that's even tapered off. No contact works best when there really is "NO CONTACT", whatsoever. Otherwise, I imagine it feels like a healing wound that keeps getting re-opened. Sure, I screwed up a few times in the beginning, but I got hurt so bad that my guard went up, caution was in full force, and I feel great about it now. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I'm ready to feel this great about it - lots of questioning myself. But hey, we're not talking, and I'm feeling better than I did in the weeks before our relationship ended. Once you can truly have "no contact", then I imagine it will be easier. I guess based on what I've heard in some of these posts, I had no contact during the last few weeks of our relationship, because we rarely spoke or saw each other, even though we lived together and once were inseparable, and even when we did it always ended badly or was highly negative.

[sifa]

My fear about no contact, is that even if the relationship doesnt work out, I would still like a close friendship with this guy...have never felt so open and at ease with anyone...and i know friends have a hard time earning his trust, so i don t want him to think i don t care at all if i cut off contact completely, because i don t know if he ll be willing to treat me as a close friend then...that s why i m confused about the birthday...