Princess777 Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Greetings all, I recently went on vacation for a week and later found out that my husband lied to me about where he was one night, and that he "forgot" his phone. I don't know where to go from here. I know that people will only treat us the way we allow them to, and this reality is difficult for me to regulate. Where does one draw the line... should I sacrifice my own personal boundaries, that which is I don't tolerate lying? Link to comment
birdgirl Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Know what? I'm having the same problem. I really feel for you. I can see where you'd be scared that he cheated, but ... I'm thinking maybe he didn't, because honestly, if I had done something awful like that, I wouldn't want to even open that can of worms and tell you that I'd gone out drinking. I'd have stuck with my original story and crossed my fingers that the whole thing would blow over. I read a book recently called "Never Be Lied to Again" and one of the things they say is, if you accuse the person of something and they get mad, most likely they didn't do the thing you accused them of. And they will want to confront the situation and discuss it because they will have been accused unjustly. Whereas if they are lying they will avoid discussing the situation at all costs. If he seems like he feels guilty, then that's a warning sign, but since he lied to you, of course he will feel badly. That's the same problem I'm having... he lied AT BEST. But I'm afraid he cheated, too. But I can't prove it. good luck Link to comment
BreArna Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 I think he should be allowed to go out with his friends for a drink or whatever, he needs time away from you.... and friends to socialize with or you will push him away. Whats the big deal in the first place that made u say no going out drinking without you ? did u not trust him from the start ? Link to comment
goodquestion Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 I agree with BreArna, he should be allowed to go out with his buddies, but lying is a big bad ... don't know ... just don't push him away ... l8r Link to comment
Mr. Good Man Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 While I understand how you feel about this particular topic could it be that this "Pet Peeve" may just be a little overboard? I'm sure it's very uncomfortable to want to hang out with the guys and then fight with one's self because the wife doesn't want you too! My question is, "Why is it so important for him not to do it without you? What happened in your past that makes this such a big issue?" I hope you reconsider your stance on this issue because based on previous experience it just may push him away and into the arms of another woman. He is a grown man and I believe a reponsible one, so trust him! Link to comment
dikaia880 Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 He did lie to you, yes that was wrong... But the problem I see is that the "rule" of not being able to go out without one another is the cause for the lying...he is a grown man... If he cheated in the past I can understand the fears, but by not allowing him to go out he will continue to lie to you about going out... I think the big issue here is why can't he go out, and you for that matter, without the other? All relationships need their space, and everybody needs their own friends... Link to comment
Ash Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Princess, I know you have real concerns over this issue in particular, and I also know you have a big heart. I think maybe you can find a way to forgive him this time, in yourself, without losing control of your own personal boundaries. I think perhaps there may be some truth in what he says about feeling alone. I know I can feel that way. A day or two on my own is okay, but when it stretches into a week, I just want to get out, do something, interact with the world. Maybe the two of you could go to some places together that he can also go on his own that aren't bars. I'm not quite sure where to suggest exactly. Perhaps a coffee shop? Also, any chance he could go to a bar, and drink non alcoholic drinks, so he still gets the ambiance and interest of being at a bar, but without the alcohol. I know it won't work for a lot of people, just tossing the thought out. I suspect he did what he did this time because he figured not that he could get away with it, but more that it would be easier to ask forgiveness after than permission before hand. In his mind, it likely isn't a terrible wrong, so guilt didn't really hold him back. If all you can really do right now is forgive, then I suspect you know that you will. But yeah, get him into that counselling if he has mentioned at all that he wants to go. It has to help. And if you go along, perhaps it would be a good idea for you both to talk to the advisor about the drinking situation and both of your viewpoints on it. Good luck. Just a general comment to some of the responders on this thread, this is a board that's all about compassion, understanding, and giving the benefit of the doubt. People come here to vent, grieve, and work through other difficult emotions. Sometimes things don't make sense to those of us who read the posts, because we generally don't know the history of the person we're dealing with. Sorry, I'll hop off my soapbox now. Link to comment
Princess777 Posted May 12, 2004 Author Share Posted May 12, 2004 Thank you Ash, I agree, and I just ignore the ones who are too young or do not understand the concept of personal boundaries, or that I was not asking for validation of them. Link to comment
tiger_lilies Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 I have a story to share with you Princess...my ex of three years always went drinking with his buddies, even before we hooked up. It was something that they did regularly. Personally I am a light weight and cannot handle my alcohol, one beer and I'm wasted! So trying to be an understanding girlfriend, I put my feelings aside and would try my best to not make him feel guilty about wanting to go drinking with his buddies. Well, one night he went drinking, I stayed at home and went to sleep early, expecting him to not be home until late. Turns out that he was so drunk that night, (long story short) he ended up having sex with someone. His story was that he was so drunk he had no idea what was going on and next thing he knew, she had his pants off and was riding him. (That was really hard for me to type) He said that he immediatley pushed her off and left the party. Moral of the story, I fully agree with you about not drinking without each other. It causes possible future problems and results in massive heartache. Now, I know that your husband will probably say that something like this will never happen to him, or that he would never let anything bad happen, that he's just going out for a good time with his buddies, BUT...you never know what CAN happen. AFter that incident, I've never trusted my ex again. It resulted in us break up and a lot of fighting. Till this day, I don't know whether he's telling the truth or not, because there will never be any proof. I know the story sounds unbelievable to anyone who doesn't know my ex, but it is extremely out of charachter for my ex to intentionally cheat on me. You can use my story as an example to your hubby if you need to. Link to comment
birdgirl Posted May 12, 2004 Share Posted May 12, 2004 Your story made me want to cry... (I can't remember your name now...) That is what I'm so scared of. SO scared. My bf got drunk and freaked out a few months ago and went into a rage and didn't know what he was doing. He didn't hit or threaten me, but he did some damage to our house and scared the hell out of me. Next day, he didn't know what happened. He doesn't drink much anymore, and he says he won't drink without me. I can imagine if he could go into such a rage and not remember it, that he could have sex with someone and not know it, either. So I can't blame you, and I don't think you're controlling. Link to comment
dikaia880 Posted May 13, 2004 Share Posted May 13, 2004 Ash your right I don't know the back side of the story and I'm not trying to judgemental or all that... Princess you have given me a lot of advice and sympathy in the past and I was just trying to put out my opinion, without knowing the whole story... I can only speak from my experiences....that if I'm with someone and I'm out drinking I don't make that mistake, but there are those people that do...I guess I was standing up for someone I don't know, which isn't right or wrong... If he has cheated in the past or has a drinking problem then he shouldn't be going out alone...that's too much stress for you... but if he doesn't have that history then why can't he go out with his buddies...thats a healthy thing to do, there are times you need to be apart from someone, no matter how close you are... Him lying about going out is not the same as him lying about cheating...I don't think you can look at white lies and straight up lies the same way... Yes he shouldn't be telling those white lies to you , but for you to turn it around and ask if he's cheating isn't right...you should be able to trust him...but shouldn't he also be able to feel that you trust him? And don't take this the wrong way, but why can you go on a vacation without him and he can't go out for a night? (again I don't know the whole story, just going by what the post says) Relationships are two way streets and compromises have to be made... Link to comment
smitten_kitten Posted May 13, 2004 Share Posted May 13, 2004 I honesty believe the relationship had no trust from the start if you can't let him go out for a drink with mates!! He should have never lied to you but on the same hand he wouldn't have had to if you did let him go out. He probly turned his phone off because if you would have rang you would have known he was out and that would have made you upset right there and then. I would just work on getting over it and moving on!!!! Link to comment
Princess777 Posted May 13, 2004 Author Share Posted May 13, 2004 I wanted to thank you all very much for your opinions and experiences. I am sorry that others have experienced bad things because of the same sort of thing, hence my personal boundary that I have established. Perfect examples. Link to comment
Princess777 Posted May 13, 2004 Author Share Posted May 13, 2004 Sorry dikaia880, I didn't answer your questions. Yes he has a drinking problem. We will have to agree to disagree on the lying thing. To me, a lie is anything that is not the truth. And I just don't condone it. Link to comment
dikaia880 Posted May 13, 2004 Share Posted May 13, 2004 I understand a lot better now...While I do not believe that "eventually" negative will come from going out separate, in fact I see it as a positive...Unless you have a situation like yours... I hope I didn't come accross as condesending...just telling my opinion! best of luck Link to comment
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