Still talking to my ex

[LifeGoesOn09]

My ex gf rings me everyday. At the moment I'm not really seeing her much but can't seem to let go either. I'm finding it incredibly hard as I still care for her and I guess I do have feelings. I do feel sad about the whole thing but I just can't bring myself to cut communication.

 

I've seen her on and off over the past fews months but not as frequently. Last time she came over I broke down again because oddly the thought of never seeing her was just too much.

 

Its a * * * * ed up situation because I have feelings but * * * * ain't like what it was and I'm not really excited in her company anymore but don't mind talking to her on the phone at all and often for a good hr +?!?!?

 

Dunno I still want her to be in my life but I feel it ain't good for me or her. Incidentally I've talked this * * * * through with her enough times so she knows the score and claims 'she's cool' and 'doesn't think about it'. I've asked her and seriously probed her for honestly if that's the truth and she says 'yes' and does seem cool. I'm still not convinced tho but you know I can't feel guilty because its out there.

 

Thoughts 'cause I do wanna remain friends etc because I just can't loose all my feelings for her?

[Hopeless1234]

this is why i don't think friends should get romantically involved cause when the relationship doesn't work, the friendship goes along with it.

 

having said that, i respect that you want to maintain your friendship with her. i don't know how long it's been since the break up and how you guys handled the break up to this point. however, there's no way that you can be friends with her when you still feel the way you do. i know it sucks, but the only really viable option for you is to cut off all communication with her and just move on. i'd give it 1 year miminum of NC. when that 1 year is up, if you still want to be friends with her, look her up and get in touch with her. right now you think that you'd be ok with just friendship... just talking on the phone or hanging out here and there. however, will you be ok when she starts dating someone else? i think that should be an indication of when you are ready to be just friends with her. when you'll be completely ok having lunch/dinner with her and her new boyfriend.

[LifeGoesOn09]

Er excuse me I broke up with her - guys can break up with girls you know lol. That's why she's in communication with me.

 

Just a bit of background; we had a great relationship - no arguments and practically no drama and she's a great fn girl and care for her a lot. The problem is I can't give her what I use to be able to emotionally and so I now find myself in this sort of no man's land.

 

I just really don't know how or if I trully want to cut communication because I care about her a lot!?!?!

 

If she got a new bf yeah that'd be tough but I don't see that anytime soon and truth is I think that'd probably be a lot easier for me as it'd give me some closure.

 

Me personally I'm just going and pursuing new girls and I'm gonna take it from there. I honestly can't think of any other answer at the moment.

 

Emotionally I just really can't cut the chords and when she calls I do have feelings like I do want to hug her etc but I know if I see her its just different from over the phone.

[fawndango]

we had a great relationship - problem is I can't give her what I use to be able to emotionally and so I now find myself in this sort of no man's land.

 

Me personally I'm just going and pursuing new girls and I'm gonna take it from there.

 

So you can't giver her what you used to emotionally but you are pursuing new girls and you can give them what they need emotionally in the long run?

[jettison]

It's not necessarily healthy or unhealthy behavior. It's just a process. Eventually she'll be replaced, and then all of this will seem so inconsequential, a distant, almost silly memory.

[fawndango]

It's not necessarily healthy or unhealthy behavior. It's just a process. Eventually she'll be replaced, and then all of this will seem so inconsequential, a distant, almost silly memory.

 

Yup until you find that you are in the same predicament with the next girl, and then you will be on here going "i can't give her what i want emotionally"

[Hopeless1234]

Er excuse me I broke up with her - guys can break up with girls you know lol. That's why she's in communication with me.

 

 

i do apologize. like i said in my post, i wasn't aware of your story.

 

so.... i don't get what the problem is.

 

let me see if i got your story right. you broke up with your girl cause although you still have some residual feelings for her, it's not enough to be in a relationship with her. you'd rather throw away whatever you guys had so you can "pursue new girls". your ex continues to contact you and you enjoy talking to her over the phone (but not so much in person as you are not as excited in her presence as you used to be. after all, you've "been there and done that" with her so you want something new/exciting/different). you told your ex about all this and her response is that she's "cool" with how things are (just talking on the phone) and "doesn't even think about it". so in other words, your ex is suggesting that she's ok with just being "friends," but you question her true intentions as how could she possibly be just "cool" with things and not "even think about it" as she had been dumped by you. did i get your story right for the most part?

 

so my question is why do you think that eventually you'll have to cut off all communication and give up on the "friendship" again...? your ex obviously seems perfectly fine just being friends...

[LifeGoesOn09]

so my question is why do you think that eventually you'll have to cut off all communication and give up on the "friendship" again...? your ex obviously seems perfectly fine just being friends...

The problem for me is its kinda like a daily torture. In one sense I can't bring myself to cut communication and in another way I don't mind talking to her the phone but kinda dread it when she calls?!?!

 

I didn't "throw away whatever we had so I could pursue new girls". I searched the internet high and low for an answer to this * * * * because I want to be with this girl and continue to have the range of feelings for her but at the same time knowing things weren't the same.

 

I hope we can continue to be friends - I really do but at the moment I'm just finding it hard to emotional detach and I think in order to give my 'true' feelings to another girl that's what I'll have to do but I'll find out when I start to see others.

[LifeGoesOn09]

It's not necessarily healthy or unhealthy behavior. It's just a process. Eventually she'll be replaced, and then all of this will seem so inconsequential, a distant, almost silly memory.

Thanks I take your point although no offence but being replaced as you put it seems a little harsh way of putting it.

[LifeGoesOn09]

Yup until you find that you are in the same predicament with the next girl, and then you will be on here going "i can't give her what i want emotionally"

Yeah, its possible I could find myself in the same predicament with the next girl but I may as well give up on pursuing girls altogether if that is the case. One has to remain positive.

 

You know the thing is that even tho she says 'I have nothing to feel guilty about' and that 'I was her best boyfriend ever' and she highlighted the fact that we never argued etc I still feel really bad.

 

Its crazy to think that I had an almost perfect relationship and then this emotional/excitement switch off occurred. I say emotional its probably more the excitement I guess. Gutted.

 

The odd thing is the yearning to see her is still there but I know if I see her it'll equally make me sad.

[Hopeless1234]

i do respect that you are honest about your feelings in regards to this girl and hence you broke things off.

 

however, as the saying goes "you can't have one's cake and eat it too". on one hand, you are saying that you no longer have feelings for your ex and want to pursue other girls, but at the same time, want to remain friends with your ex because you still have some feelings for her. on the other hand, you say that you "kinda dread" it when she calls. obviously i'm having a hard time understanding where you are coming form since i don't "dread" phone calls from my friends and from people that I want to be friends with.

 

if your ex is calling you and begging/pleading with you to come back, then I can understand why you "dread" her calls. however, from your description of the story, it seems as if she's content with the break up and perfectly fine just being friends.

 

so i think you have to make another important decision here (as you had to when you broke up with her). either you want to be friends with her or you don't want to be friends with her. if you don't want to be her friend, then cut her off (as hard as it may seem). if you want to be her friend, then be her friend. besides, just cause she calls you doesn't mean you have to pick up the phone and talk to her every single time.

 

i guess i'm just still having a difficult time understanding what the real issue here is. i can only speak from my perspective, but i know that i'd be a bit upset/annoyed to be friends with an ex if i dumped her and she acted all nonchalant and "didn't even think" about the break up and was completely "ok" with just being friends right away. but that's just me being twisted and immature. i know that this isn't the case for you as you obviously sound much more mature and responsible than i am.

[LifeGoesOn09]

I'm just struggling being friends 'cause I still have feelings but not the whole package I use to have. Yeah, I wanna be friends I do but like when I meet her * * * * its hard to try not to be intimate and feels weird not doing the things we use to.

 

I guess it'd be good to hear someone else whose been thru a similar position but remained friends/confidents.

[jettison]

Thanks I take your point although no offence but being replaced as you put it seems a little harsh way of putting it.

 

 

"Being replaced" is straight talk. It's real. That's exactly what will happen at some point. The feelings you have for this person will be "replaced" with similar feelings for another person. It's not about being harsh, but simply about being direct and clear about what's really going on.

[LifeGoesOn09]

"Being replaced" is straight talk. It's real. That's exactly what will happen at some point. The feelings you have for this person will be "replaced" with similar feelings for another person. It's not about being harsh, but simply about being direct and clear about what's really going on.

Yeah, mate I know. Its just real hard to think of it like that and 'her' as being replaced. She's so fn sweet and kind ... bless her.

[fawndango]

Its so obvious that you still have feelings for her. You may want to explore this emotional switch on/off business. Has this happened in prior relationships? What was going on when this switch was turned off?

Seems like you two had a good relationship and something like that is hard to come by.

[amandamarie]

Yeah, its possible I could find myself in the same predicament with the next girl but I may as well give up on pursuing girls altogether if that is the case. One has to remain positive.

 

You know the thing is that even tho she says 'I have nothing to feel guilty about' and that 'I was her best boyfriend ever' and she highlighted the fact that we never argued etc I still feel really bad.

 

Its crazy to think that I had an almost perfect relationship and then this emotional/excitement switch off occurred. I say emotional its probably more the excitement I guess. Gutted.The odd thing is the yearning to see her is still there but I know if I see her it'll equally make me sad.

 

I don't know a lot about your background with this girl, for example how long you dated. But any relationship you are in is going to be different after awhile. That is normal. It's not going to be "exciting" all the time. Maybe that is what you are looking for, that excitement that comes with new love - but it doesn't last, that's the problem. You say you still have feelings for this girl. Is it possible that you still love her, but that you just need to do some things to spice up your relationship? Or maybe even do some things to add excitement to your own life? No girl is going to be able to constantly excite you, especially after awhile, but you can do things in your life that build excitement and adventure, and you can do things in your relationship that do the same.

 

As far as being friends...she may be completley over you. Or she may be using friendship as a means to try to get you back, despite what she says. Thats a hard one to call just from reading your post.

[fawndango]

I totally agree with this, you hit the nail right on the head. Now can you explain this to some of ther other men that i have dated.

[amandamarie]

I totally agree with this, you hit the nail right on the head. Now can you explain this to some of ther other men that i have dated.

 

LOL...I wish I could just get MY ex to understand this!

 

OP, I wrote what I did to you because I had been with a guy 4 years and he left because he says he "wasn't feeling it". Although he still has feelings, he still calls me all the time...but he just wasn't feeling the way he used to emotionally. He still tells me I am closer to him than anyone else, even 5 months after the breakup. But I have had to cut him off now, because it is too painful for me to hear from him all the time (even though he doesn't get the hint and keeps contacting!)

 

So basically, I am telling you the things I wish someone had told my ex. He did not do a lot to try to work on the relationship, or to try to add spice to our lives, even when I tried to initate. I feel we could have made things a lot better, and a lot more exciting, if he would have been willing to try. But that's the rub - the willingness to try.

[bungalo]

A lot of this just sounds like dependency to me. Real grown up love weathers the storm. The romantic love phase always passes and then

you are left with a real live person with flaws just like you. The romantic stage is like a drug. Ever wonder why celebrities hop from person to person? It's because of this...a real relationship is give and take and compromise and committment. Yes there is the certain feeling...and yes sometimes that is missing..but is it really them? Or is it you? I am not judging you by any means..but some people are also new-aholics...the excitement of new love is very appealing...but the initial phase always fades if you spend any time with them at all.

[LifeGoesOn09]

Dunno I have feelings for I don't doubt that but when she comes over I kinda feel bored at the same time. Its very confusing because its not like I can just cut her off completely and she's such a sweet sweet girl. When she's really sweet n timed etc is when my emotions are really open but when she's hypa etc I just shut off a bit.

[samalamadngdng]

hi lgo,

 

I appreciate that you're trying to be kind and honest with her and that you're confused. You keep mentioning what a great, sweet girl she is (believe you!). But you seem to lack insight and my gut tells me you're not being completely honest. What are you doing to understand yourself better (besides coming here)? What are the things missing in the relationship? What bothered you about it? Can you communicate about those things?

 

I feel for you but a guy like you who doesn't possess insight and self-awareness is kind of a nightmare for a good woman. It's your job to sort yourself out.

 

I think you're kind of idealizing her but not doing the relationship (past or present) justice by really admitting at WHAT'S REALLY BOTHERING YOU. What's your picture and how isn't this lining up? You might discover real feelings on the other side of a more honest conversation with yourself. Or maybe not. I can tell that you're a nice person but it's much more important to be real - that's what counts.

 

Your idealization of her is distancing. No fights or conflict isn't necessarily a good thing.

 

wish you luck.

[LifeGoesOn09]

The only thing that bothered me about the relationship was the level of conversations we had but nothing is perfect and I was just entering a phase where I was seeing it go on for a number of years.

 

Anyways I'll elaborate, I felt there was a maturity issue and I found intellectually we weren't completely equals. That said and especially since the break up we bonded even better. Its ironic that she just felt right just when my emotions went scew wiff.

 

Why I am bored around her? Well because I guess I just got to the point where there was no more challenge that is she made it too easy/obvious for me.

 

Lastly I was consciously putting time scales on the relationship which I regret. I'll admit I couldn't see myself with her long term but had opened up in the last few months to something long term. I do have comittment issues and that applies to any future girl so its something I'll have to work. Truth is to start with the proposition that you're going to be with a girl/guy 'forever' is tough for most.

 

Oh yeah and I'm pretty damn self aware as it happens - probably too much. However there is no way I'm gonna say to her that I don't think you were intellectually stimulating enough hence I lost the excitment/buzz for you - I'm not heartless.