Still in love with my XXBF... Need advice..

[TrueHeart]

Now that my abusive X is out of my life, I've been focusing on me. And I realized my absolute love I had for my XXBF. In fact, my entire 1.5 years with my XBF only confirmed that my love for my XXBF rang truer. Its been almost 2 months since I left my XBF, and ironically, my XXBF started dating this one girl after 1.5 years of being single.

 

She lives 2 hours away, going to school only during the school time in Northern Arizona University, where we live in the metro-Phoenix. She is moving back in with her parents for the summer since they won't allow students to live in the dorms. They only have been dating for about 2 months, and until she moves back, really only have hung out about 3-4 days at a time if that, an average of just weekends mostly.

 

My XXBF and I have been very close since I left my XBF. I know my XXBF is very happy that I've left him because he was a jerk and was mentally abusive. Old feelings have been rekindled between us. He still tells me he loves me.. and occasionally yes, we spend nights together. My beliefs are so strong for him right now, I believe if we got back together again-- it would be forever. We are so into eachother, but he has a girlfriend now. He says he doesn't want to hurt her, and that he really likes her and wants to see how far it goes. She is extremely religious, as where he is not. Her parents would disapprove of her relationship with him enough to want to pull her funding of her schooling.. all because he is not the right "godly choice" of all people.

 

We've discussed it and rationalized it, and I refuse to be go-between to fill in the gaps where she isn't up to par. She is still a virgin, and my XXBF refuses to take that from her.

 

I won't lie in saying that I would do anything to be with him again, and for their relationship to end. But I won't come between them, its not my place. She knows that he still tells me he loves me, but I'm sure shes not stupid when it comes to that. I am sure she's aware that we're a little more that just friendly either. He told me that he'd never choose their relationship over our friendship....... but still says he cares for me.. If he's so happy, why is he with her?

 

I told him, I want him to be happy, and if its in the arms of another woman-- so be it. I want to take a step back, but full-fledge my heart is in love with him all over again... What do I do?

[true blue]

well firstly y did u break up in the first place? if he tells u that he loves u then he shud b willing to b with u! i understand that he doesnt want to hurt the feelings of his gf but i believe he has to put his problems in order of importance. is it mr important to him that u 2 r together or that his gf doesnt get hurt. i believe u shud confront him!! tell him to chose and tell him u wont wait around to b his backup

[Mix Maxster]

I wonder if maybe this guy is scared right now. That he's afraid that if he dumps his present gf and gets back with you, will this really crush her and what happens if it doesn't work? So it may not be that way, but it's plausible that he's afraid of losing you both.

[TrueHeart]

You know Mix, you're partially right I think.. And True, I know I have to confront him. I know that he told me once in passing that if he loves me but is scared that he'll get hurt again if he leaves me..

 

I just don't know what to do.. I know he needs to get his priorities straightened out, but I'm dying inside... I want to be with him... I want him to chose.. but I don't know what to do about it..

[shockeddismayed]

ummm.....

 

Trueheart.

 

I think you need some downtime to sort out your feelings. To learn to love yourself alone.

 

You're just coming out of a serious and abusive relationship less than two months ago... and now you are claiming you always loved your EX-EX. You are in a very pained state, and I wouldn't trust your feelings if I were him.

 

Plus, if I read between the lines in your conversation, it sounds like you hurt him deeply (he seems to suggest you cheated... is this true?). Are you sure that you aren't going to hurt him again? How come you didn't realize your feelings before you were left single? Is it the pain and loneliness that brings you back to him? Are you sure?

 

I can't begin to imagine what it is like to be in an abusive relationship, but I would guess that it isn't something you recover from overnight. I think you should spend your time (like months) recovering for YOU... worry about your next relationship after you've had time to heal. Especially before you wrap up someone who is important to you in this... and especially since he is involved with someone else.

 

I hope you are doing ok. And I hope you are speaking to those you love (friends/family) about what has happened.

[TrueHeart]

Thanks, I've been spending a lot of time away and with friends.. They're all very supportive, especially my friends/family on here. I have a news update too....

 

After the conversation.... I actually called him last night on the phone and gave my whole heart up and we discussed it in all detail... He said he didn't know what to say. I told him I really didn't want to do it over the phone, but that I had no choice... He said that he felt nothing changed with me, and I said plenty changed.. he just isn't here to see it.. He said he didnt' want to get in a relationship with me again, because he was hurt and there was no guarentees Id be faithful-- I said nothing was impossible... I would never put him through that again.... I was cheated on by my XBF 3x- and I told him, my karma came back to me x3-- I am a different person than I was... He didnt say anything...I left my XBF, and never will speak to him again.. and thats something RARE for me to just up and do that.. Something different... I gave him up because I know that my relationship with my XXBF is more important.. He again, didnt know what to say.

So he said he was done on the phone, and if we wanted to continue it another night, face to face..once I've 'thought things over again'--since he thinks I would change my mind.. we'd talk.. I got upset and we hung up..

 

About 10 minutes later, he called back and said that he was sorry he ended the last call harshly, but he didn't know if I was serious about what I had said (pouring my heart out) because he couldnt see my body language... he basically wanted to see how I act with that... (im taking as a subtle hint that he wanted me to come over anyways) I asked him why he would think that.. and he said that he just didnt know if I was bullshitting him or not, cant see my reactions to what Im saying.. but that if I wanted to come over, or change my mind about coming over, he'd be there...

 

I hung up... laid there for 5 minutes when the thought overcame me to go to him.. I hopped in my car and drove 15 minutes to his apartment... I knocked on his window, he let me in... And I said:

 

"I just want you to know that I changed my mind about not wanting to come over...so I'm here. I also wanted you to know that I don't need more time to rethink anything-- I meant what I said, I don't plan to change my mind, and I wanted you to see I was serious... thats why I'm here....right now."

 

I think the thought overwhelmed him.. He smiled and asked to hold me. We laid there for a bit, just looking at eachother.. I said I love you about 10 times. I think I planted a seed... Now, I must wait and see it grow...

 

What do you think???

[shockeddismayed]

Honestly?

 

I'm worried about you both (and his girlfriend for that matter).

 

Take care of yourselves... go slow.... there is no NEED to be with anyone right now.

 

I stand by my previous post.

[TrueHeart]

I appreciate that.. I do.. I am taking some good advice and just taking a step back. I don't know if the NC rule will work.. but its worth a shot..

 

i will keep you posted...