Advice needed please! RE: Fiancee & porn

[hollyrenee]

I'm terribly sorry if this is TMI for a lot of people, but its something that's been on my mind for a long time, and I need to know if I should just let it go or not.

 

My boyfriend has a lot of porn on his computer.

 

I HATE this.

 

I know almost every guy in the universe has porn on thier computer, but this is a lot. And it's not just that that bothers me, but he looks at it a lot. If you check the properties on any particular movie/picture/whatever, you can see when it was last accessed. He accesses them often. He downloads new stuff often. I guess his computer is his business, and if I didn't want to know what he did in his spare time I should just leave it alone. It's not like he snoops around on my computer.

 

I was just looking through his stuff a couple minutes ago (I check his explorer history a lot too), and I saw he downloaded a bunch of stuff just last night. He was looking at a whole bunch of stuff online last night. I was home all day yesterday! I WAS HOME! I was right there! He could have a naked girl WHENEVER HE WANTS... but he has to look at porn all the time. We only... connsumate our relationship... maybe twice a week. And thats when I beg and plead for it. He knows I'll take it whenever, wherever he wants, but he NEVER wants it. Why does he look at all this porn then? He's the only guy I know that could get some whenever he wanted, but opts for internet porn instead. I ask him all the time if it's me or not, he says no everytime, but I see no evidence supporting this. I'm on the pill, too, and I've started wondering recently why I even take it. So it's not like its "uncomfortable" for him or anything. I even counted last month. SIX TIMES. HE LIVES WITH ME! WE SPEND EVERY NIGHT TOGETHER SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED! Six times in one month!

 

Am I really that unattractive?

 

*Argh*. This is so hard for me...

[Tinkerbell]

I think that you should confront your fiancee about the great amount of porn he has. Let him know how much it bothers you, and ask him why it is that he's not more keen to be interact with you (a real woman in the flesh). It is obviously hurting you a great deal, so I don't think you should just ignore it, because chances are it'll keeping nawing at the back of your mind until it drives you nuts.

And one more thing..Do NOT think that you're unattractive, I am sure this isn't the case. If your boyfriend thought so he wouldn't be with you in the first place. And afterall, the majority of men look at some kind of porn, even if they are in a happy and fulfilling relationship.

[suespoons]

 

Am I really that unattractive?

 

Please, do not take his behavior as a reaction to you- the way you look, the things you do, or don't do. This is strictly about him. He's making some choices that obviously make you uncomfortable. Have you discussed it with him in a non-threatening way? I would recommend withholding judgement about his behavior long enough so that you can talk to him about WHY he likes porn so much and maybe he'll feel ok talking to you about it. But if he knows from the start of the conversation that you're against it- that will put him on the defensive and he'll be less inclined to speak freely.

 

If the porn is something that you morally can't stand, then maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship with him. I'm a BIG believer in accepting people for exactly who they are. I apply this to friendships and romantic relationships. If the other person's behavior, choices, sense of humor, etc. is in sync with mine, then that person will likely be a longtime friend or boyfriend. But if there's an aspect of that person's personality that I find frustrating or worse, then I have to make a choice: make an effort to stay with the person- knowing and accepting that he will do some things that I don't like- or let the person go.

 

It's not an easy choice, but I think that the people we choose to spend our free time with should make our lives easier, not harder.

 

Good luck, and remember to trust yourself.

[hollyrenee]

we've been together three years. we've had this issue for about eight months... I've discussed it with him before... in, of course, a nonjudgemental way. i don't want him to stop looking at porn... especially not if he enjoys it, and even more especially since ive known hes enjoyed it since before we were together. he was sold as is

 

my big problem is that it's porn over me. i feel like i'm competing with it... and a lot of the time i really am... this tears me up inside...

 

the few times i have talked to him about it ive said something like "look at all this porn! youre a busy guy!" always in a fun manner... but then ill ask, "well i was home when you looked at this one... i was probably watching tv" and then ill ask, "why didn't you come to me if you wanted some? are you still attracted to me?" and he'll always laugh it off, say something like "you know I love you, it's not about how you look, blah blah... " ive never gotten a straight answer.

[Baby_doll]

*sigh*...I want to write a long reply to this post, but quite frankly, I'm tired of thinking about this subject. This was how my last relationship went, porn over me. I'm not unattractive and I never once refused my ex anything in *that department*. I got told it wasn't me..*blah blah blah*, but he never had a real explanation for constantly choosing porn over me. It was obvious he had some kind of problem, but he would never talk to me about it. He said porn was his way of burying his head in the sand. It just got so lame, I dumped him. I have no answer as to why men pass up the opportunity to be with beautiful women who would do anything for them, just to be alone with porn! I guess some men are just like that...Fortunately, I now have a guy who treats me in the way that I deserve. However, I sympathise with any woman in this situation, because as funny as it sounds, the experience of being with someone who prefers porn over you, is a very damaging experience.

 

There are a lot of women on this site who have been through the same or similar situation...maybe we should start up a club??? lol

[jeru1173]

Was your sex life always like this or was it once very active and went downhill?

[hollyrenee]

It hasn't always been this bad... just the past six months or so.

[jeru1173]

In my opinion you may be making yourself too available to your fiance. Think about it. How desirable is something that you can have anytime you want. You might want to try not being as accessible, kinda let him know what he's missing, then maybe porn will become second rate to him. Coming from a male point of view, porn is cool, but not as good as the real thing. I'm just calling it like I see it, which might be completely wrong, just a suggestion. Hope I was of some help.

[plainsimple]

From the horse's mouth. Been married for 24 years. I look at simple porn,

it seems to be just habit, and I have such a desire for love-making. Why he choses it over you I have no idea. Just an example: My wife and I have both been side by side on the couch while porn was on at the time. We both reached orgasm. We are very open in our relationship that way, sharing what works on different occasions. He might be doing this by habit. But if you are presenting yourself to him, what man would refuse such closeness? As for being unattractable - even my Mrs. says that. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder. We are all the same turned inside out. A serect of thought. I look at porn - why...because in my case, it reminds me of my wife before we met - positions with her boyfriends. I said it! Share everything with him. Hopefully this man sees the fire in you? Good luck!!

[LonelyGirl]

Yeah my boyfriend can't quite explain this either. I'm used to him having porn on his computer. He's constantly downloading it. We have watched videos together and I enjoy doing this because it turns both of us on and we end up having sex. However, my boyfriend does the same thing yours does. BUT we barely have sex twice a month. If we do then I'm shocked. I'll be asleep and the next day I find proof (don't ask) that he watched a porno when I was home. I don't get it but then again there are somethings women and men never get about each other. My boyfriend also frequents strip clubs on a regular basis. Now THIS upsets me to no end. At least with a porno he doesn't have a big breasted woman in his face. I feel porno is the safe alternative to most other things a guy could be doing. Right? It's funny...I've had a couple of friends with the similar problem and they're all really into sex and their guys are just like yours and mine. HOWEVER, I bet if we were the ones not wanting sex then they'd be complaining! You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[john345]

For the married guy who looks at porn with his wife (yeah, that surprises me) I don't think this situation is the same. This girl's fiance isn't sharing this activity with her, it's outside of "sex time together". For this reason, I really think it's a sign of a problem. I'd seriously suggest some premarital councelling of some sort. Infact, I bleive given the current trends in divorse rates, it should be manditory for any couple who cares about building a life long relationship.

 

But now the issue is, what can you do about it as his fiance?

 

First of all, as a guy, a woman wanting me to change something about myself just for her is asking a lot. And I think most men would admit that if they were honest. (With the possible exception of guys married for years and who've learned to look past this selfishness.) You trying to steer his actions now, prior to the marriage could easily send up big red flags for him. I encourage you not to overreact and kill the realtionship or make him feel like he just needs to hide his habbits more carefully. (Deception will kill a marriage.)

 

He needs to know his behavior, while maybe acceptable to him as single guy, now has profound impact on a marriage relationship. He needs to understand that a marriage is about more than what he wants/she wants - it's about the marriage as a whole.

 

Make it known to him (and this may mean more than saying it to him,) that this is a problem that hurts you. If he cares about you and the marriage he will realize this and make every effort to stop. And if he does, awesome! But don't take his word for it when he says, "OK, I'm sorry. I'll stop." Addictions are near impossible to cure from yourself by yourself. Enlisting help increases your success rate infinately. Let him know you trust his word (even though he may not trust his own word,) and tell him this is more than a flip of the swhich type problem that isn't going to go away overnight and you want to help! Ask him: what do you need me to do to help you not want that stuff?

 

You sound like a reasonable person, and thereforeeee I would suspect your fiance is as well. Looking at porn isn't like smoking crack - something homeless deadbeats do in nasty downtown alleys. Porn is so rampant that I assure you, every man I know struggles with it, and always will as long as it's out there so freely and accepted by mainstream culture. But a marriage is a gift to two people to take their lives to a new level. Your partnership with your life long mate is an invaluable resource to combat issues that give you a hard time on your own.

 

How you confront and deal with this issue could easily establish how your marriage functions for the rest of its life. Please don't ignore it.

 

And one final word: despite being the woman in his life, there are others out there that stand a much better chance of getting through to your man. Enlist his friends, and if they're struggling with the same issues, band together to hold each other accountable. Send as many resources to your fiance as you can from other people. The more he realizes he's not alone in his struggle, the more and more he will be receptive to dealing with it.[/i]