Help me out please!

[squash-boy]

Here is the story. Myself and my ex-gf dating for a little over 2 years. It started when I was 19, and ended when I was 22. It began really fast, and we became intimate very quickly. She was my very first girlfriend, and the very first person that I was sexually involved with.

 

Things seemed to be going great until about 4 months ago. I could tell that we were drifting apart, and that things just weren't the same. Four or so weeks ago she told me that she wanted to take a break because our relationship wasn't going anywhere, but she still loved me, and that I was still an amazing person. We also made it clear that we were not going to be seeing other people during this break.

 

Things were going OK, the usual expected stuff grief etc. I felt like things between us were strained and I knew something was up. I talked to her, and we decided that at this point in our lives, it just wasn't right for the two of us, and we decided to break it off for good.

 

It turns out, she kissed someone a week before we took our initial break, but didnt' tell me, and now she is seeing him, and having sex with him. We have a very emotional relationship, and I thought we were very honest with each other.

 

In her past she has cheated on all (4) of her boyfriends, and has had trouble telling me the truth, she has told me little white lies, nothing like this.

 

The problems are as follows:

 

we are going to europe with my family for 2 weeks, leaving in 6 days.

after that, we are moving 6 hours apart to start our full-time jobs.

the guy she is seeing is moving 9 hours away from her.

 

I cannot stop thinking about her, and I know this is normal. I'm afraid that I'm never going to find another person, and I'm going to be feeling so empty for the next several years of my life. The biggest reason for this is that I feel like i grew up as a person when I was dating her, and now I don't know where to start. I'm not good at meeting poeple, and then following through and finding a new realtionship I think will be very difficult.

 

Every rational thing about me says that I shouldn't get back with her, nothing has changed, there will eventually be the same problems, leading to more heart-break later on. But I just can't stop thinking about her, and how I think that me just being with her again will end all of these problems.

 

I know that I am trying to fix the symptoms of the break-up, and not help the cause of the sypmtoms, which is not healthy.

 

I also feel strange about every being with her again. The sex we had was very enjoyable, but now that shes slept with this other person, I'm just not sure if I would be able to forget it. She feels kinda damaged to me now.

 

I'd like to do this: go to Europe, and if soemthing happens it happens, but try my hardest not to push anything. Then after that, start doing no contact for an appropriate amount of time, 1-6 months depending on how I feel. Then contact her again depending on how I feel, and she feels, possibly get back together.

 

I NEED HELP, I AM VERY SAD ON THE INSIDE AND I"M AFRAID ITS NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY, AND THAT I"LL NEVER FIND SOMEONE.

[amaranth_04]

cursor mistake, not sure how to delete. my post is below.

[amaranth_04]

Hi squash-boy,

 

I'm not sure exactly if you were only giving a background and are just wanting an opinion on what you plan to do on your trip to Europe, or if you would like advice on your whole situation. I'll give you my take about your trip and I will explain why, so I will take in the whole situation.

 

I do not think it's a good idea to have your ex-gf go on this trip with you. First of all, you broke up. This isn't a vacation to work your feelings out, spend time together and see what's lacking. I can understand that it could be a bit of hassle to make changes regarding tickets etc, and perhaps you do not want to take back an offer made.

 

What I feel is the best thing to do is get a refund or find someone else to go on the trip. When this trip was arranged, the purpose for the two of you to go on it was different. She should understand based on the current situation.

 

Examine why you really want her on the trip. You say you will just go along and see what happens, but not push for anything. However, I think you are already pushing for it by creating an atmosphere (family vacation together) for a reconciliation. What I do not understand is why you wish to reconcile? I understand missing her, but that is not a good reason to get back together. This leads me to the second part of my take on this.

 

Perhaps you could take this break that has occurred as a means to examine your relationship again. Everyone makes mistakes, but 4 of the same kind, the cheating kind?

 

 

start doing no contact for an appropriate amount of time... Then contact her again depending on how I feel, and she feels, possibly get back together.

 

I think she is already showing you how she feels. We could say that she is only seeking comfort in the arms of another man 'cos of the break-up, and that does happen. However, she kissed him before the two of you took an initial break. (Did she herself tell you this after or did someone else tell you?) You felt the two of you drifting apart 4 months prior to the break. What exactly was not the same, her interest in you? From what you have said, I feel that she is perhaps not interested in a committed relationship right now. I feel that her being with another man is not really for comfort but for the new-ness of it, and this reflects a desire to try other things, in this instance, other men. There are more examples I could give but they all follow the same line; the both of you seem to want different things.

 

My advice would be to start no-contact right now. Use the trip as an aid to enforce it. It will not be easy but it allows you to step back from the situation. Once you can look at things more objectively, you will be able re-examine your situation with a clear mind. Of course, you will decide on your own if you wish to continue with this girl. I was explaining how the situation seems to me.

 

Note I was not judging her regarding her relationships before you, as the past is just that, but she does not seem to have a good track record. I always say people do things for a reason, but there's never a good reason to cheat 4 times.

Best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, though I feel this should not be believed blindly 'cos people do change... however, looking at your situation, seems like she was not upfront with you about the real reason for wanting the initial break thus leading to the eventual break, which you were unprepared for. She was looking to someone else and was already doing so in her mind at least, before your initial break, thus the ''drifting apart''.

 

Not being upfront is not a good idea and will lead to bigger problems and a bigger headache when there's more at stake.

 

Amaranth