am I a relationship Saboteur?

[HeartBrokn]

Well after a 10 year marriage and spending most of that time playing games with my spouse and her with me, I have realized I have some serious issues. It's really weird, and I am noticing this now. I would say my biggest problem is that we would play a lot of cat and mouse games, sort of saying and doing things to show each other that we don't care but at the same time trying to provoke a response from each other that we do care.

 

Anyways, this is obviously very immature and unfortunately it seems like our relationship was built on this platform. I completely realize that it wasn't healthy and this sort of exchange is ingrained in me and a part of me to the point that I do it and don't realize I am doing this until after the fact. I really want to change this about me and I was wondering if anyone out there had a similar issue and what did you do to change this for your future relationships.

 

Man I guess since I got married at 20 and have been doing this since then, I don't know what normal is. I don't want to sabotage my next relationship and I need to change this or I will. ](*,)

[ScubaDiva]

Awareness precedes change. Every step you take, prepares you for the next... It's up to you how you proceed in the future - you're the captain of your ship...

[JusticeLaw9]

You were young at the time, mistakes happen. At this point, take what you can from this situation and learn to grow from it.

[mad rabbits]

we would play a lot of cat and mouse games, sort of saying and doing things to show each other that we don't care but at the same time trying to provoke a response from each other that we do care.

 

It was kind of like this between me and my most recent ex.

 

The behaviour is rooted in fear, IMO. You are looking for validation that you mean something to the other person without putting yourself on the line. Trying to get the benefits of love without offering anything yourself. It doesn't work. It is always perceived as being used or cheated out of something by the other party. It causes resentment.

 

You can change this behaviour when a) you meet someone worthy of trusting and b) you lower your guard and invite them to lower theirs.

 

This kind of cat and mouse relationship seemed safer to me because the men I was involved in were not innately trustworthy. But I got burned anyway.