How do I deal with this without being like a jealous girlfriend?

[limbo101]

He's actually a very smart guy, my best friend. That's why it kills me that everyone says he's blind because he hangs with ME all the time and we talk every single day and I am perfectly attractive. He does flirt sometimes and he has kissed my mouth several times when saying bye (no tongue) but if it boils down to it, he doesn't make any moves beyond that. He once told me long ago he didn't think we should date, so now there are all kinds of moments with him and signals that I'm supposed to blow off as being all in my head, because apparently he doesn't really want me that way...yet I'm #1 girl in his life, #1 friend, anyway.

 

A girl he thought was cute at this bar, came up to me and started telling me how beautiful I looked. She turned to him and said doesn't she look amazing tonight?...and he didn't look at me, didn't agree, nothing. We still had a great time that night and he took my hand and held it when I left, telling me to drive safely (that's an example of a "moment" - he pretty much never just takes my hand into his like that -

 

But then he tells me the next day that he had a "moment" with HER after I left. And he was just dying to know if she likes him, or what. So his buddy got the information and they find out, she is not actually into him at all and he misinterpreted the "moment". He wasn't too bummed or anything. But we are there for each other all the time and lean on each other, support each other, spend all kinds of time together, but a "moment" with some girl he barely knows, seems to mean more to him than my feelings. He knew I had a crush on him years ago, and even in the last few months he knew I thought about us "dating". So mean time, we keep getting closer and closer and friends, but when it comes to dating woman, I am completely transparent and somehow just don't seem to make the cut. Yes, I meet other men sometimes and I tell him all about them - so that he doesn't think I'm waiting around for him to see the light. And actually, I'm not - I put effort into meeting men all the time, just nothing ever pans out with it. But still, this puts stress into our friendship because of other women that make me feel 2nd best, not good enough, whatever. Even though I'm plenty good enough.

 

How do I deal with this without being like a jealous girlfriend?

[angryanimator]

It's a very simple answer that everyone in your situation already knows.

 

Ask him out. If he says yes, great. If he says no, take some time for yourself. You have to put yourself out there and understand the friendship may end. Otherwise you will continue to suffer.

 

I'd advise against telling him about other guys if you like him - a man won't read into that you want you want him to. That's the #1 thing a girl can do to convince a man she's not interested (short of straight out telling him, of course

[limbo101]

It's a very simple answer that everyone in your situation already knows.

 

Ask him out. If he says yes, great. If he says no, take some time for yourself. You have to put yourself out there and understand the friendship may end. Otherwise you will continue to suffer.

 

I'd advise against telling him about other guys if you like him - a man won't read into that you want you want him to. That's the #1 thing a girl can do to convince a man she's not interested (short of straight out telling him, of course

 

You are probably right about putting myself out there, but asking him out seems strange because we already go out and do things together regularly; eating, drinking, movies, music, whatever. We already do things that couples do. So asking him to do something with me wouldn't be different to him, unless I said I want it to be a date, probably just making that conversation turn awkward really fast.

 

So I guess you mean...I feel transparent to him because I've convinced him that I'm not interested?

[agent1607307371]

Have you seen the part in When Harry Met Sally where she tells him that she's not going to be his girlfriend substitute (and follows through on it) any more?

[toflyforreal]

don't stay in close friendships with people like this.

 

i hate to sound harsh, but it can really take you down - both a hit to your self-esteem and your self-worth. don't hold your interest in- let him know, and give him the opportunity to let you know if he feels the same.

 

you need to ask him out and find out if he's interested.. if he isn't, politely tell him you need time to yourself to deal with your feelings and move on.

 

sometimes people will hang onto you because they know you are interested, and like to have that feeling from people, without investing interest back. i'm not saying your friend is one of those people but, BEWARE! worry about your own feelings first, and good luck in starting something with your friend.

[limbo101]

Well I've felt pretty darn close to spilling my guts lately. I'm hoping it just happens naturally here soon.

 

But I get pretty scared because of putting the friendship in jeopardy...even though technically, it's already in jeopardy. And with the holidays coming, he and I already have plans to do things between now and then, and I'd hate to go through the holidays without his companionship. In a big way, he's a substitute for me just as I must be for him.

 

We talked about a hockey game this week, he's outta town, I texted him that I'll get tickets if he still wants to go. 5 minutes later he said, no I WILL get the tickets, and he did right away. So anyway, I will enjoy the time together, but I'm sure at some point we will get to talking about things like we always do, and who knows, maybe a conversation will happen.

 

I say he's a substitute because he plays many "boyfriend" kind of roles...paying for everything, texting me everyday, etc. And you know what I don't want to lose that. He makes me pretty darn happy just short of flowers and kisses. And I talk about other men as much, if not more than he talks about women. So I don't feel it's fair to characterize him as using me...think I just need to decide how I truly feel about him.