The love of my life doesnt want to have sex with me anymore.

[Shaft]

Hello folks,

 

Im new to this but my heart is in pain and I need help. Im 22 and Ive been with my girlfriend for 2 years (shes 20 now), and I cannot describe how much I love her.

 

For the past 2 months or so, she hasnt been as sexual as she used to be. We used to have sex and love it, but it now its nothing like that. Shes almost never in the mood, and just seems like she hates sex. I keep talking to her to ask her if its anything about me, or if theres something shes worried about or anything like that, but all she can say is "I dont know whats wrong with me". Ive told her over and over that if shes needs to be with someone else, or if she feels like we're not working out, that she can break up with me and that I'll completely understand. She says no but I still cant be convinced.

 

Now its become stressful to her to talk about sex, and that just makes things worse. It makes her stress about it, and it makes me worry more, which stresses her even more. I dont know what to do, and I dont know how to find out whats wrong. Ive tried all the conventional ways: I had many serious talks with her, she even talked to her parents to try to figure it. I tried giving it time to see what happens, but nothing... I feel helpless.

 

Does anyone have any "outside the box" insight as to figuring out whats wrong? Should I "force" a break between us so she can figure it out or what??

 

please help,

--Shaft

[AnotherChick]

I would recommend not overreacting by breaking up. If her not being interested in sex is the only issue between you two, then you are in a better place than many.

 

Has she gained weight lately? Maybe started taking anti-depressants? Maybe just try chilling out about the sex part. Get out, be social, try new activities. Try working out together, like tennis, hiking, jogging, biking, or something that will just get your heads out of the sex part for awhile. Focus on eachother, and that may work out.

 

Girls obviously don't work like guys do. Sex is one of those things we have to be mentally into. Foreplay almost has to begin by just being considerate while doing household chores, rather than the typical bedroom stuff. Plus diet and exercise (or lack there of) can really influence our sex drives.

 

I guess to sum it up, I wouldn't force a break up. I'd chill out about the sex part and give her some time.

 

On a personal note, when my boyfriend of 4 years continually harped about my lack of interested, it simply drove us a part when there was really nothing else wrong.

[Shaft]

Thanks for the reply. It seems like you know what youre talking about. I guess I forgot to mention, she IS on mental medication for ADHD. That may affect her, although it hadnt in the past. And for the record, she does say shes completely in love with me. And she always calls me to go hang out with her, and we have fun.

 

I guess Im afraid that this sex thing will drive us apart. Lack of intimacy can cause problems, and I dont want that to happen. I dont care about the actual physical side of sex. Im afraid we'll be forever afraid of sex and thatll kill our relationship. Its a self damaging loop.

 

Im gonna lay off of it for some time. But for how long? Should I talk to her about sex till then or no? I do spend alot of nights over at her place. Should I try to be "romantic" and start something or just not do anything at all?

 

--Shaft

[Caldus]

I think it is great that you are being very considerate to her and not questioning her in a mean way. Sorry to hear what you are going through in your relationship. I know you said that you decided to give her some time, but the only advice I can give is see how things work out after a month or so. If you still cannot deal with what is going on, then you might need to reconsider whether you want to be in the relationship if you feel that sex is needed in a relationship.

[mahlina]

I am so mad with this computer error!

 

Okay, I will try to respond again! I think that I might know how your girlfriend feels. After dating an ex of 4 years worth, about 2 years into the relationship, I stopped wanting it from him completely. I think that it's called "built up tension." After getting into arguments with him about his life and drug habbits (I dont' mean to offend drug users, just didn't want to see him fall under the statistics of being an 'addict.') Well anyway, after several attempts of trying to re-patch the relationship, I realized, we probably just not growing along the 'same' path. I started to fall out of love with him. I felt bad, because at that point in time, he started to love me more. It was the 'polar oppossites' scenario. I loved him more in the beginning, then he loved me more towards the end. So, never take your relationships for granted. Otherwise, one partner ends up getting sick of the drama, and will automatically walk out, while the other person realizes the love that they lost. We must find that continuity so that relationships don't fall into break-ups.

 

I don't know why, but my attraction for him just died out completely. I could not stare at his face anymore. I just felt really turned off, even though I still loved him. I cared for him a lot, but just could not look at him the way that I did. The passion died. I tried several attempts to 'rekindle' the sparks on my part, but it just didn't work.

 

thereforeeee, the 'chemistry' is fragile. It's either there or it's not. And, when two people don't make attempts to resolve problems equally, then the chemistry is bound to fall apart, in one way or the other. This is just from my personal experience.

 

I can agree with AnotherChick. However, I always maintained my weight. I guess in that sense, I was lucky. Weight was not an issue for me. I can see though, that for some women, that could be the issue. Perhaps, the more weight they gain, the more they feel 'unattractive.' On the other hand, my other ex gained weight, but it didn't deter me from finding him attractive. He didn't feel less compelled to be intimate either. So, I guess in that case, weight is situational.

 

However, in terms of 'initial' attractiveness, I didn't find my ex all that handsome. I seriously didn't think that he was that 'good' looking. I lied to myself, by accepting him for who he was, instead of actually ever feeling that physical attraction. I guess that where I'm proud to say that I am a person of my word, by practing what I preach by 'loveing the guy for who he is,' instead of his 'looks' or 'cockyness.' I guess the more drama we encountered, the more I started to take notice of his 'unattractiveness.' It's as if the more problems we had, the more his unattracitveness just became more of a highlighting issue for me. I should've put into consideration of his physiques, but didn't.

 

My point is, perhaps, you can sit down and have a talk with her. Communicate. Ask her: "Honey, did you feel attracted to me physically, in the beginning?" OR "Do you think that our problems are actually making you feel less attracted to me." There could be other underlying reasons. You can also ask her: "Is anything bothering you? Did something happen to you in the past, something traumatic?" Sometimes, people with repressed memories of sick happenings have an inability to fulfill healthy sex lives (IE sexual assaults), while others continue to have a healthy sex life, but sometimes have flashbacks. There are several reasons as to why she's not 'wanting it' anymore. But these are just an umbrella of explainations (or questions) to start with. Sit down, and 'communnicate' this with her.

 

Lastly, if you feel as though the relationship is salvageable, then re-Romance her like how you used to in the beginning. Sometimes, women like to be wooed, and men forget to be as romantic when they get 'comfortable' enough in the relationship. That's where the spark might die out on the women's part. We love romance. That's what maks us feminine, and we like to have someone who will redefine our roles as the person 'romanced' vs. the 'romancer.' Then, we might feel that spark again.

 

I sincerely hope that you will find a solution for this dilemma in your relationship.

 

Mahlina

[OceanEyes]

Wow, Mahlina is definitely a source to be reckoned with! What superb and completely accurate advice. I really couldn't have put it any better.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I were very passionate sexually in about the first year of our relationship. Then problems arose. Problems and issues that he refused to deal with, always insisting that "this is me, it's how I am, and if you have a problem with that, it's probably YOU who has to deal with it". He was very uncommunicative with me, sometimes neglected my needs and was flat out boring and unappreciative. I stuck it out with him because I truly did love him.

 

If there are unresolved or ignored issues, it is going to reflect on your sexual relationship. Once the sex is gone, in my experience, it can usually not ever be as meaningful as it once was. This is not to say that things can't be different for you and your girlfriend. If you are both COMPLETLEY willing to sit down and talk everything through, to see things from her point of view and making your best attempt to be understanding.

 

For me, the worst thing he did was to basically place all of the blame on me and attack me mentally for our lack of a healthy sex life. There were always fingers pointed and jokes about me being a "prude", etc. This is what NOT to do to ANY female. Women do NOT get turned on in the same way a male does. Women need to know that you are tuned into her needs and that you genuinely care for her well-being, not just your own sexual lusts. His blame-placing, lack of patience and understanding and his overall attitude towards the situation eventually drove me to end the relationship. I ended it because: A) I became convinced that he would never understood me, which is fine, since men and women are not the same species. The problem was that he never even tried. There were serious problems, things I felt were always missing (honesty, intimacy, understanding, communication, etc.) that he didn't try hard enough to achieve. B) I fell out of love with him at some point. Not only could I not connect with him physically anymore, but for me, the most significant loss was the lack of connection emotionally. Once I lost that connection with him, I was gone.

 

I think you're still in good shape here!! The best thing right now, if you really want to make things work with her, is to let her know that you are there for her 100% both emotionally and physically. Listen to her. Women DO sometimes just come out and tell you what they want sometimes, but we usually will let you know less obviously. Pay attention and be very understanding - this is key. If she feels like you're pushing her, it's not going to move the sex along any faster - or at all. In the beginning of most relationships, sex is natural and almost goes without saying that it happens all the time. After 2 years, you have to put more effort into keeping things fresh and strong.