Should let his Ex hold me back?

[limbo101]

My best friend is a man, I'm a woman...we are total companions and we are both single. We met 10 yrs ago through mutual friends, just saw him a few times after that. But a year ago, we were brought together by heartbreak among both of us. Since then we have both struggled in friendships with our Ex's. Learned the 2 are strikingly similar...in their ways of treating us (horribly) and we've been a huge support system for one another.

 

"Dating" only came up once a many months ago. 1 excuse he used for not doing it was being "scarred" by his Ex. I left it alone. Since then we've gotten way closer and way more attached. We spend all the spare time we have together.

 

We now have this routine with kissing goodbye...on the lips, no tongue...sometimes he initiates it, sometimes I do. But it's given several opportunities to take that kiss and embrace it. But I'm scared.

 

It appears he's finally trying to let go of his Ex and think more about what he really wants -- partially, thanks to me reminding him over and over that he can't be friends with her (because of emotions) and that he needs to move on. She is the only thing that stops me from just taking him. I don't want to disrespect the fact that he doesn't feel "ready" for a relationship...even though all he talks about is being lonely and needing to find the right one.

 

Over the last couple months, the kissing started. He's also been flirting much more heavily and just appears more attracted to me in general. It feels like we grow closer still all the time; it feels like it's building up to something but I don't want to be wrong...I also am afraid of losing my companion, of course. Will it take another woman to help him move on, or do I need to give him more time, until it appears he's really ready? When he kisses me, is he hoping for more out of that?

 

I'm here because I don't think it's a good time to bring up "us" to him again, not while we are just trying to work through his Ex issues. I don't want to pressure him too much. I also don't want to steal that kiss only to feel rejected. Is it really his Ex holding me back, or is it just plain fear?

[catfeeder]

It doesn't sound like his ex that's holding you back, but rather a sense that you may be readier for something than he is. It only makes sense to allow him to make a move toard you when he's ready to avoid blowing the thing up in your own face.

 

I think you're smart for not rushing this into a rebound thing. If you don't want to be this guy's band-aid only to get ripped off when he's ready to start exploring the world of women, you're using your head.

 

In your corner.

[limbo101]

It doesn't sound like his ex that's holding you back, but rather a sense that you may be readier for something than he is. It only makes sense to allow him to make a move toard you when he's ready to avoid blowing the thing up in your own face.

 

I think you're smart for not rushing this into a rebound thing. If you don't want to be this guy's band-aid only to get ripped off when he's ready to start exploring the world of women, you're using your head.

 

In your corner.

 

Thank you.

 

It already feels like I'm sord of a "band aid" for him...but I guess that's ok since we are only "friends" and that's what friends do.

 

From how he talks, he wants nothing more than to find love. However, he's still working on letting go of the failure he had with his Ex. - And they've been broken up for 6 months or so...but everytime he runs into her, he starts this vicious cycle of saying he's over her, then saying he's not. At this point I've gotten him to see that, and I've been more vocal about how I feel towards this situation; in turn he actually seems to listen to what I'm saying and apply it to the process of moving on from her. He's a hopeless romantic, and more than ready for the One - he's just not ready to keep her in his past. He says that she would have to "make some major changes" in order to be with him; and he's aware that waiting for this is unhealthy. However, part of him wants to do this anyway.

 

The companionship we have is everything that "love" should be made of (with the exception of romance); support, encouragement, and genuine care for each other, it's all there, minus the romantic level. Yet I know we are attracted to each other, and I get frustrated because it feels like we are just a hair away from taking a big step. But I know that he can't do that with me until he totally separates ME from the Ex, and realizes that he will never have another one of her, nor the kind of feelings he had for her - because all of our relationships are different in that way.

 

Over the weekend I wanted to see the symphony, but he travels for work on weekends, and he seemed upset that he wouldn't be able to go with me....then my buddy backed out on the event. So I texted him yesterday, that he will just have to take me oneday. He responded "Definitely"....we've never done anything on the romantic side together, aside from going to the movies...but to me the symphony is totally romantic and I was a little surprised at how sure he felt about going with me sometime...to me it indicates that he wants to find that romantic level with me, but I could be wrong.

 

Thanks and sorry this is so long, but there's just so much racing through my head...

[catfeeder]

If you have any hopes of having a relationship beyond friendship with this man in the future, you're setting it up wrong. I think you already know this.

 

Sure, friends can be band-aids, and that's fine if that's all you'll ever want with this guy after tending to his needs. However, if there's part of you that will want more, I would skip trying to be his nurse or social worker and go honest with yourself and with him.

 

I'd tell him that I think the world of him and can appreciate his need to grieve and heal from his divorce, and that's why I'd like to take a break for a while--because I hope he might consider wanting to date me someday, and I know its not a good time right now.

 

I'd ask him to ring me in 6 months or so to catch up and see if he finds me to be dating material.

 

Then I'd walk on.

 

I understand if this seems to risky for you, its just that your way still carries all the risk, only its messy and the risk works less in your favor. Removing yourself from the fray and stepping out of the reach of rebound territory demo's self-respect, and it plants the seeds for getting what you want.

 

Just food for thought, and in your corner.

[limbo101]

That all makes sense. And at some point, I might go that way. But I don't counsel him because it will set us up...it's because I want to...and because he vocalized that he needs it from me. However, I also feel it's more necessary than bringing up "us" again - yet. This is a necessary step for ME...I feel like it's a good stepping stone to get me more comfortable with expressing myself...I have a very hard time with that. Expressing how I feel about his Ex, is making me feel closer to being honest with him...about ME. I'm using his issues to practice communicating with him...and it seems to be working...slowly but surely.

 

Eventually I'm going to reach that comfort zone and perhaps we will end up just how you say....until then I do not mind being his voice of reason...the fact that it's actually helping him, is just an added benefit.