Body doesn't react to or reflect emotions

[Keraron]

According to many people who know me well, I am out-of-touch with my body.

 

For example, I never embrace someone with my own initiative. Or, if someone embraces me, I never hug back.

 

Usually, my reaction is based on my knowledge on courtesy and manners, but I am unable to be connected physically spontaneously.

 

I think this is a reason I often blow it when girls make advances and I have no clue what to do. Many times, girls have told me something like "I feel cold" or come close to me, but I never react.

 

Once, a girl told me are creepy. Are you a rock?", because she embraced me and I was just standing there as if nothing happened.

 

How can I get in touch with my body again and be able to express warmth and respond to other people's feelings physically?

[Casey13]

Therapy would do the trick

[FathomFear]

Have you spoken with a specialist? It could be all sorts of things.

[Keraron]

I haven't even thought that this is a "problem" until now.

Any ideas or books I could try? I am a fast learner, and come from a culture of self-improvement.

[thebluest]

I'm a natural hugger, but being the natural hugger that I am I've come accross many friends who aren't very outwardly emotional or able to show physical connection. From what I've seen, it's not a problem for most of them! And it's certainly not a problem for me! Strangely, I grew up in a family that has very little physical contact, and for some reason I'm the only person in the family who hugs everyone (and everyone never hugs me back lol). I think we all express ourselves in different ways and to different degrees.

 

Is this something you really find problematic with yourself and want to change?

[thebluest]

I haven't even thought that this is a "problem" until now.

Any ideas or books I could try? I am a fast learner, and come from a culture of self-improvement.

 

From my point of view, I don't think it's a problem either with all due respect to the above posters! If it's not a problem for you, and you're happy with how you express yourself, there's really no need for you to change the way you project your emotions.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

From my point of view, I don't think it's a problem either with all due respect to the above posters! If it's not a problem for you, and you're happy with how you express yourself, there's really no need for you to change the way you project your emotions.

 

I agree. I am not a hugger and hate the fake huggy kissy stuff that are so common in social situations. I grew up in a family that was not physically demonstrative but the love and affection was shown by what was said and done. Do what feels comfortable for you.

[FathomFear]

This goes beyond personal preference though. It's not about liking hugs or not liking them. It's about understanding what a hug is and being able to respond appropriately. This is completely unrelated to whether or not you like them. If you're unable to respond or don't know how to respond, then I would say that is a sign of a potentially larger problem (such as Asperger's).

[thebluest]

From what I understood from the Keraron's post, I interpreted it to mean that he has a problem with spontaneously responding. Not being able to respond is different, and I don't think that was what he was getting at. Can you clear this up for us please Keraron so we can better understand what's troubling you?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This goes beyond personal preference though. It's not about liking hugs or not liking them. It's about understanding what a hug is and being able to respond appropriately. This is completely unrelated to whether or not you like them. If you're unable to respond or don't know how to respond, then I would say that is a sign of a potentially larger problem (such as Asperger's).

 

I would hardly assume Aspergers just because someone is not comfortable hugging people and doesn't feel any connection when there is a friendly hug with someone who is not an established romantic partner.

[DadaJones]

There is nothing wrong with you. Google Fedor Emeilanenko or watch him Sat night on CBS...and you'll see how effective detached emotion can be in this world.

[pinkelephant]

I wouldn't call it a huge problem, however being able to express your emotions is still a problem. I and many others have this problem. All you can do is practice. People exaggerate a lot so don't take everything to heart. Lots of people tell me I'm cold and weird, etc... I just have trouble letting my walls down and express my emotions. Therapy has helped and I've been pushing myself more.

 

If you DON'T have emotions, then it's a problem. Don't follow what's "appropriate" and not according to other people. They aren't you, they don't know what you're feeling or why you're feeling what you do.

[Keraron]

I searched the internet on problems with physical intimacy, and a description that might fit my situation is some kind of fear. I do fear coming accross as too invading others' private sphere, dependig on their different ways of interpreting it...

 

I think my problem is very related to the fact that I grew up in entirely different cultures since I was a kid. In some it is absolutely normal to hug and cheek-kiss even strangers when saying goodbye, in others it is taboo.

 

When I have to make a move, I always fear that there might be misunderstandings due to the different "body languages".

 

The first time I kissed a girl... actually the girl kissed me while I was almost paralysed in bliss. But AFTER I knew that she was in (it took several minutes for me to realize...), I actually started becoming explosively physical, as if suddenly releasing all the instincts I had repressed.

 

I feel that all this makes me very passive, i.e. I am constantly scared to take initiative and/or make a move in many numerous situations, fear being awkward...

...and this fear might make many girls I really like/love run away from me (or think that I don't like them, and therefore give up on me...)

[Keraron]

What I think is an issue is also the fact that, although I am "emotionally/physically shy" I am generally highly extroverted and social, i.e. I laugh and speak loud in social situations, hold the reins of mass communication and interact easily with numbers of people.

 

I THINK that my inability to be "extroverted" also in more intimate situations is a kind of contraddiction... i.e. someone might get a good impression of me being extroverted on the outside, but then thinks that I am not at all outgoing when seeing how I am on the inside.

[Anusha]

Well I have had a relationship with a guy that didnt show his emotions and I can say it doesnt fell nice at all.So if you want to have a relationship I do think you should take care of that.

[FathomFear]

I would hardly assume Aspergers just because someone is not comfortable hugging people and doesn't feel any connection when there is a friendly hug with someone who is not an established romantic partner.

 

I quoted Asperger's as an example. I'm not saying the OP has it. I was just trying to be clear with the distinction. ie, not liking a hug vs. not understanding what a hug means or how to respond. The former is just preference, the latter is potentially more troublesome and could be a sign of a larger underlying condition.

[thebluest]

What I think is an issue is also the fact that, although I am "emotionally/physically shy" I am generally highly extroverted and social, i.e. I laugh and speak loud in social situations, hold the reins of mass communication and interact easily with numbers of people.

 

I THINK that my inability to be "extroverted" also in more intimate situations is a kind of contraddiction... i.e. someone might get a good impression of me being extroverted on the outside, but then thinks that I am not at all outgoing when seeing how I am on the inside.

 

I think my boyfriend is a lot like this. He's expressive and talkative in social situations but he's stiff and used to dodging intimate communication by deflecting to humour. I certainly didn't see it as a problem, it was a bit of an interesting challenge actually, but having him open up to me was worth every second of it. I think that some women are mature enough to realise that people aren't just one-dimensional, that they have different sides to them that you just have to get to know to understand how they work together. You don't have to work on being someone you're not, you don't have to force yourself to be intimate and physically personal with everyone if that's not how you naturally are! But when you are in a relationship with someone and you feel like you could be more expressive that's when you can work on it with your partner to bring it to a level of compromise that you're both happy with.