About ready to call it quits!

[foolish]

I have been having issues with my b/f with gambling and alot of you guys have been helping me a great deal but unfortunately I really need some more imput on this subject. Refer to:

link removed

 

My sister called me today and told me she was worried about me because of my b/f being so preoccupied with that damn game. She thinks I deserve better and that I should just end it with Mike. I don't know what to do. He called me today and apologized for the way he's been treating me with this poker game. He told me he loves me and he is sorry about everything. He told me to come over tonight so he can spend the night with me. Well with only one downfall. He is playing in that tournament this weekend and that is why we can't spend the whole weekend together. He said I'm more than welcome to stay all weekend but he is going to play in that tournament and he doesn't want me to get mad.

Do you know how that sounds?

I am so upset

What should I do guys?

[autumn]

Gamblers are tough to deal with. JLo and Ben Affleck are a good example. A good movie to explore some of gambling's effects is "Rounders." (Matt Damon loses his woman over gambling in this movie.)

 

If you're dealing with a heavy gambler, they are usually preoccupied with the game all the time. It's all they think about. I used to participate in poker tournaments myself and know quite a few gamblers.

 

Fortunately, I discovered through tough love that other things are more important in life, such as people.

 

The other side of this coin is that his addictive personality can also be turned to become dependant on you. He will probably treat his relationships similarily to how he treats his gambling. When things are not going well, he may become very depressed and take extreme and unusual steps to correct problems. Gamblers are very difficult to live with because it sometimes is or often leads to obsessive compulsive behaviours. (Look it up) Those are very difficult to break. He needs to care about you tremendously to break that.

 

It's a good thing that he can be open with you about gambling - most heavy gamblers hide the extent of their problems from others. However, you do need to find out what is more important. As he has already told you about this weekend, I would suggest that you be supportive of him in this tournament. However, when a night comes up that he is planning to play in a less important event, ask him to drop it and see you instead. Have him prove to you that you are more important.

 

"Good luck."

[kipster]

I My sister called me today and told me she was worried about me because of my b/f being so preoccupied with that damn game. She thinks I deserve better and that I should just end it with Mike. I don't know what to do. He called me today and apologized for the way he's been treating me with this poker game. He told me he loves me and he is sorry about everything. He told me to come over tonight so he can spend the night with me. Well with only one downfall. He is playing in that tournament this weekend and that is why we can't spend the whole weekend together. He said I'm more than welcome to stay all weekend but he is going to play in that tournament and he doesn't want me to get mad.

 

I'd say the first thing is to not listen to what your sister has to say no matter how tempting. Is your sister in a fairy tale relationship? If not, I'd say take her advice with a grain of salt. Secondarily, do you love this guy or not. Point blank. I'd need to know that up front. Secondarily, was he gambling when you met him? If so, did it bother you then? If not, when did it begin to bother you and what about it specifically bothers you (e.g., his distance and attention being pulled away from you, his lack of sex drive, etc.). I believe all of these factors are important in understanding why this is bother you so much.

 

I mean its one thing if he taking all of your hard earned cash and spending it frivilously and you two are bankrupt, but its another if he's spending his 'overtime' or 'discretionary' funds on something that he enjoys and that may be a stress reliever for him. For instance, plenty of my buddies, love video games, always have and spend time playing them much to their girlfriends dismay. They were playing them before the women, playing them when they met them (of course these women had no problem), but over time it became an issue when these women felt the games were taking away from 'THEIR TIME'. For some men, sports and recreation are a great way to get away from the stressors of life and have a 'ME' moment, much like women getting together with their girlfriends and shopping. Funny thing is, most men don't have an issue with the latter but women seem to have a big issue with the former. Go figure.

 

In my opinion, I'd say a guy merely playing poker (and winnning mind you) that's not betting the farm and is enjoying a past-time that you KNEW he enjoyed when you met him, is not a VALID reason to scrap an otherwise productive relationship. But of course this decision is yours. All I can say is if my wife/GF played poker and that was the only issue I had with her, I can say with conviction that I certainly wouldn't bail on her for that, even if my Brother, Mother, or Father suggested, implied, implored that I should. That's just not enough for me personally, but we all have different thresholds. Now if this wasn't recreational and this guy was betting our house, our mortgage, all of his money, etc., then that's another story. But I do not suspect he's doing that in your case. I could be wrong though.

[foolish]

first and foremost I do love him with all my heart. No he wasn't gambling when we first met. And yes it does bother me for a very good reason. He only gets to see me on the weekends and he's so preocuppied with poker and I feel neglected. Sexually too! He doesn't even want to have sex. I understand it could be a stress reliever for him but hey, I only get to see him Sat and Sun. morning. I think he can leave his little habit for during the week. Yeah I do put up with it but only for so long can I put up with it w/o blowing up.

[kipster]

first and foremost I do love him with all my heart. No he wasn't gambling when we first met. And yes it does bother me for a very good reason. He only gets to see me on the weekends and he's so preocuppied with poker and I feel neglected. Sexually too! He doesn't even want to have sex. I understand it could be a stress reliever for him but hey, I only get to see him Sat and Sun. morning. I think he can leave his little habit for during the week. Yeah I do put up with it but only for so long can I put up with it w/o blowing up.

 

O.K., so now I understand. It is an issue of feeling neglected, exactly as I expected. So since he only can see you 2 days a week you feel like you are entitled to those 2 days and he can do his thing during the week. You feel he's also neglecting you sexually with his 'habit' and I understand that it has you feeling negatively about it. And I also understand that you do 'love him with all [your] heart'. Well, is there a compromise here? Have you sat down with him and said to him that you only get to see him for 2 days and that you'd prefer it to be with him? Remember don't pressure him on this one, no one likes that or ultimatiums. But also, when you speak to him be very straight-forward on how much it bothers you, don't make it difficult for him to understand that this is something you simply can no longer tolerate. I've had EX's who really hated something tell me in a very reserved manner, to which I took as it really didn't bother them that much (for instance, if my job was taking time away 'cuddle time' instead of them saying, "listen _____, this is very important to me and without it I'm going to have to seriously consider where this relationship is going" [for men that's very straight forward], they'd say something like "I could use alittle more of _________"? For a guy the latter seems like the problem is minor. The former leaves no room for misinterpretation, while yet not making the man feel cornered or forced. In the first case, he'll have to really debate whether its worth losing a great girl over a game. In the second, he'll stick with the game, you'll then break up with him out of frustration and he won't even have a clue as to why your so angry (been there, trust me)?

 

To the same extent though, he obviously enjoys playing poker recreationally and since its something he enjoys, have you ever thought about going with him? I know my friends would be floored to hear that their GF wanted to say, play a game with them since women almost never want to do it. Just like what guy doesn't want a woman that knows sports and actually likes to watch it with them? Just like women like a 'cultured' guy that likes to go out with them, a man also likes a woman that's willing to engage in the things he likes as well. But I just say really consider your situation objectively and weigh it carefully, before you just scrap it based on one thing.

 

Just my opinion.

[foolish]

thank u for all your help Kipster. Yeah i do participate with his poker sometimes. I play against him or we play together. I do the same with sports. I watched the Cubs vs. Cardinals games all weekend with him too. I get into sports too. Like I said I just want to spend more time with him. Hopefully things will change soon and he will be more dedicated to me.

[kipster]

thank u for all your help Kipster. Yeah i do participate with his poker sometimes. I play against him or we play together. I do the same with sports. I watched the Cubs vs. Cardinals games all weekend with him too. I get into sports too. Like I said I just want to spend more time with him. Hopefully things will change soon and he will be more dedicated to me.

 

He will if you're just straight forward with him. But don't throw away a good thing, simply on something that can be overcome. I've seen it happen too many times and then when the woman see's what was otherwise an excellent catch with the next woman, and Happy, she comes to really regret her decision. Don't be another 'statistic' in that regard. You seem far too intelligent to let a good thing slip away based on a minor speed bump. Turn that stumbling block into a stepping stone instead. He's a good guy I can tell. If he wasn't, you wouldn't have stayed with him this long!

[foolish]

Again thanks for the advice. I wonder if you could help understand why he doesn't really like to go out with me. I like to go out to the bars once in a while for a cocktail. He doesn't really drink and I don't really blame him but I'd like it if he would tag along with me once in awhile. Another thing is when I do go out with my friends I'm tired of everyone always asking me where my b/f is. Some of my friends have never even met him and we've been going out for about 10mos now. When we first met we always used to go out and have fun. Probably like 6 mos into our relationship is when he discovered online poker and decided to always stay home like a hermit. He doesn't even see his friends very much anymore because of it. But he can at least come out with me once in a while. I have tried talking to him about it and he always says "I'm not you and I find other things to enjoy then go out!" and I pretty much always say "Well be a hermit for the rest of your life!" I don't know if I should of said that or not but I don't know what else to do. I miss the time we spent together. And believe it or not I did enjoy him being with me when I went out cuz we were always around our friends and it was fun.

[kipster]

Again thanks for the advice. I wonder if you could help understand why he doesn't really like to go out with me. I like to go out to the bars once in a while for a cocktail. He doesn't really drink and I don't really blame him but I'd like it if he would tag along with me once in awhile. Another thing is when I do go out with my friends I'm tired of everyone always asking me where my b/f is. Some of my friends have never even met him and we've been going out for about 10mos now. When we first met we always used to go out and have fun. Probably like 6 mos into our relationship is when he discovered online poker and decided to always stay home like a hermit.

 

In this facet I can certainly help you out with. He sounds like me in many of ways, so lets see if we can get this straight. In my previous relationship, me and the Ex would go to the beach, go out to dinner, all those lovely things, things that us men know women like but many of us really don't care too much for to be honest. But we know you like that stuff so we're willing to do it to make you happy, which in turn makes us happy (though women seem to always think we should not do things to make them happy without realizing that WE'RE HAPPY WHEN YOU ARE! ITS NOT A TRICK.). But as time goes on, and like creatures of habit, we get comfortable much to which women don't seem to understand. We get comfortable that we have a woman we love that's there for us, that many times we forget has needs of her own. So we start developing 'me' time for ourselves since we see you everyday, just like you see us. So for my friends it may be playing a video game to get a release, for your BF it is poker. Whatever it is, it allows us to have our own time, with no distraction and to reduce our stress level. For women, it may be shopping or seeing family, for us it can be (I don't want to be rotten) but just leaving us the H_LL alone. Not because we don't love you, we do! But we just long to have our own time, even if its to watch a game (alone) in our boxers or to just VEGETATE and do absolutely nothing for a day. But women seem to never see this and think we dislike them, or have grown tired of them, or don't love them anymore, or that they're no longer attractive to us. THAT'S NOT IT! We just need a release a way to still feel we have a life, just like women desire (but often don't take advantage of when they constantly trying to please a man who's generally already happy in his situation).

 

As for the coctails, I really FEEL you on that one. My EX is a go out person, really. Loves to see her family often, Loves to go out shopping, to the beach, to shows, plays, etc. I'm more of a homebody. In the beginning like I said above I did those things with her because I wanted her to be happy, which made me happy. But overtime, she came to expect them. Then when I didn't do them, she began to become mad with me overtimer I imagine saying what happened to this guy I used to have. Is it something about me? Why does he never want to go out anymore unless I damn near beg him? Is he embarrassed to be with me? And its none of those things. We still love you! But sometimes we don't realize how much it hurts you, because as women you hint and believe WE SHOULD READ YOU MIND, when you know we can't! Then you think if you TELL US then your DEFEATING THE PURPOSE since if you loved me YOU SHOULD KNOW! But its a catch-22 for us, because we genuinely can't see it, generally until your fed up with us for it happening over the long haul AND THEN WE HAVE 20-20 VISION!!! LOL!! So the best thing is to communicate and make sure he feels he has an option but that you prefer he takes one of those options (i.e., going out). Don't give him ultimatimus either or NaG! MAN DO WE HATE THAT! ITS LIKE DATING YOUR MOTHER AND NO MAN WANTS THAT!

 

I also know its embarrassING to always have your friends ask you WHERE'S X, how come he never goes out with you. Sometimes miserable divorced women/friends are notorious for whispering in your ear that that's why they left their EX and that you should do the same because its always going to be like that. NONSENSE! This is also where the new DON JUAN comes in and says the same things, like "Hey sweetheart, I'd go out with you everyday, he's neglecting you I'd never do that" and when some women crack, now that they've got that new attention. I've been both the Don juan (so I know) and that Guy (who has no clue) so I have experience in both facets. What I can tell you is that that Don Juan may be MR. RIGHT NOW, but he sure as he_l won't be MR. RIGHT! Just as the divorced or miserable friend (generally with no man of their own but still giving you advice on how to get a great man) also would like nothing more than to give her misery some company. So despite the embarrassment you must tell your guy how you feel and not bottle it in and then hit the boiling point and bail. And you must do it tactfully while respecting him in the process. If you respect him, he will respect you.

 

I have tried talking to him about it and he always says "I'm not you and I find other things to enjoy then go out!" and I pretty much always say "Well be a hermit for the rest of your life!" I don't know if I should of said that or not but I don't know what else to do. I miss the time we spent together. And believe it or not I did enjoy him being with me when I went out cuz we were always around our friends and it was fun.

 

I know you tried talking to him and the response he gave is EXACTLY what I gave to my Ex. The man feels like this, "DAMN...WHY CAN'T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT I ENJOY THIS ME TIME...I GIVE HER HER TIME, YET SHE WANTS TO CONTROL THINGS THAT SHE KNOWS I ENJOY...WHY CAN'T SHE JUST UNDERSTAND THAT I LOVE HER, BUT SOMETIMES I NEED A DIVERSION TOO". I'd venture that's how he probably feels, whether irrational or not--given how little of each other you see. Remember its all in the delivery and tone. Just the tone alone can have a differential impact. I know you miss the time together, as I'm sure my EX did until she couldn't take it anymore and broke up with me. But I also know that this guy (1) LOVES YOU and (2)DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE YOU, but still is trying to understand why (3) you want to try to take away something you know he enjoys that he see's as not hurting anyone. Remember, no relationship is a life-long honeymoon. I don't know where people get that from. Its about sacrifice, compromise, understanding, and communication. If your willing to use your head as opposed to your emotions, you can cut many of these problems off at the pass. I ALWAYS SAY, before you make a decision you might regret, JUST TAKE SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT HOW THE OTHER PERSON IS FEELING AND ABOUT THEIR MOTIVES. Walk a mile in their mocassins first. You may be surprised.

[foolish]

Kipster thank you so much. I really enjoyed your advice and you pretty much answered all my questions. Mike is my b/f and I know it takes two to communicate so hopefully things will get better for me.