how can i overcome my jealousy?

[youknowwho]

hi everyone. i need adavice. i've been this guy for 2 yrs now. he's in america, and i'm in romania now. it's been 1 years since i came to romania. so i haven't meet my bf for a year. as we are in different countries, we rarely talk to each other. well, this is not the point. he has many female friends, but...sometimes, i get jealous about it from time to time. when we were together, he talked to girls too friendly in front of me. he went clubbing without me. he invited another girl, not me for a party. he went out with a girl/girls for dinner. he had a picture of another girl's. he met a girl after our date. (he said he's got something to do, so he has to go home early.) those kind of things made me very jealous, but i tried not to care because i thought i should trust him. but i'm worried that he might have been cheating on me since i left america. he's the type of guy who loves to meet new girls. he says he just wants new friends. but all his new friends are female. does he really want just friends? and i'm worried about another thing too. he's leaving for france in june for 7 weeks. he doesn't have to stay in france for such a long time, but he said he want to have fun. (he has to be in france for just three days.) I'm worried that he will cheat on me. (french women are all beautiful, right?) i dont understand why he has to stay that long and why he doesn't come to romania instead. i think i should trust him, but my jealousy drives me crazy!!! what should i do? what am i supposed to do?

[Mar]

I can understand your jealousy, in light of the fact that your guy is so popular with the ladies. But what I'd urge you to keep in mind is that he HASN'T given you a reason to distrust him, aside from having several female friends. Any long distance relationship is hard, especially when you're talking different continents, and there has to be a huge amount of trust there.

 

I'll stick up for your guy simply because I've been in his position in reverse. I've always had a lot more guy friends than girl friends, and it's always caused me problems, in the sense that the girlfriends of my guy friends thought there was something going on with me and them. But there never was. And it took YEARS before they learned to trust that we were simply friends and that I had no plans to "steal" their boyfriend!

 

You never said what his reason was for going to France, so I can't give you advice on why he'd head there rather than Romania......but again, some trust has to be in place here. Yes, he wants to have fun. I'm assuming he's still rather young, and this is to be expected. But "fun" doesn't translate into "having sex", keep that in mind! It just means that he's headed to somewhere new and wants to experience all it has to offer as far as the different culture goes.

 

You're going to have a struggle no matter what, until one or the other of you is willing to move to the others' country, I'm afraid. It's very hard to hold together a long-distance relationship, simply because of examples like what you've outlined; the lack of trust on what that other person is doing. If you love this guy and he's worth the wait to you, you have to employ some faith that he feels the same and he's not messing around on you behind your back!

 

Mar

[Ash]

Well, I would have to say from the way you describe it, I can understand why you'd be a bit worried. I would have thought if nothing else, he'd be primarily focused on you when you were there.

 

His actions to me would indicate one of two things. Perhaps he wanted to act exactly the same when you were there as when you weren't, so there would be no deception on his part. This would mean everything is likely okay.

 

The other thing he could have done is he backed off from his normal activities, but didn't want to alienate his other friends. The one that really concerns me is how he told a little fib, and went on to a second date. What I mean is, he acted in a way that wouldn't alarm you as much when you were there and could have been covering up.

 

I think you would be happier if you could convince yourself he's just a friendly guy, with lots of friends, but there's nothing serious happening with any of them.

 

One thing to always keep in mind, if you decide to go hunting for what you feel is a different version of the truth that you are being led to believe, you are likely to discover at least some things you don't like. Always be prepared for the worst, that way, what actually happens can't be any worse than you could reasonably expect. This may sound a bit silly, but I don't think it is.

 

When you are in a long distance relationship such as yours, it can be terribly difficult to fight of feelings of affection for another. Sometimes, they are just bound to occur. I hope your boyfriend is able to do this, and the activities you describe are all he gets up to. All you can really do is give him the benefit of the doubt I'm afraid. If he loves you, then hold those thoughts dear to your heart.

 

As for France, I wouldn't particularly think the girls on average are any better there than anywhere else. There are beautiful girls everywhere, right? I'm sure there are just as many in Romania as anywhere else, right? Don't you feel beautiful to him?

 

France is a popular tourist destination. People go there for the sights, the culture, the art. Not to pick up women. I wouldn't worry about that part of it.

 

Trust him until you have good reason not to, I would say. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt, you'll be happier like that.

[youknowwho]

I'm bit relieved to get advice from you. But, honestly, I still feel a little uneasy about his attitude. In my country, boys/girls who have bfs/gfs don't usually go out for dinner or something with someone who is the opposite sex. But my boyfriend, he's American, goes out for lunch or dinner or whatever the thing with with a girl without telling me about it. When I knew he was with a girl I don't know after he cut our date short, I asked him why he did it. He said he wanted friends and I'm jeolous because the person i was with was a girl. I said I would not have been mad at him if he was with a man. I told him that people usually don't do that kind of things in my country, but he just said that we do that in my country. I don't know if that's true or not, but I thought I have to understand that this is cultural difference, so there's no point in feeling jealousy about his attitude. I don't want to feel jealousy and I don't want to disbelieve him, but he's not gonna change. I know his attitude doesn't mean he's cheating on me. I just cannot help feeling jealousy when he is too friendly to girls. Should I just pretend not to care about it?

[OceanEyes]

I'll stick up for your guy simply because I've been in his position in reverse. I've always had a lot more guy friends than girl friends, and it's always caused me problems, in the sense that the girlfriends of my guy friends thought there was something going on with me and them. But there never was. And it took YEARS before they learned to trust that we were simply friends and that I had no plans to "steal" their boyfriend!

 

Mar

 

Ok, so how about this: I have also had mainly male friends since elementary school. For the past 15 years, the majority of my good friends have been male. Of all of those guys, most have told me that they are usually never friends with an attractive female without a hope - even a small one - that something could happen with her. That there are usually alterior motives or that he always has the thought of having sex with her at the back of his mind. I can say from a female standpoint, that this RARELY happens to me. If I become friends with a guy, even if he IS attractive, it's usually just to pursue a new friendship. Someone new to hang out with, talk to, etc.

 

If guys want the benefit of the doubt from me, they're going to have to grow up and stop saying clueless things like this that will do nothing but incriminate them later on. Of course, not all guys are the same, I don't want to stereotype.