Are people ever "meant" to be together?

[pip]

Hi guys. Anyone who's read my past posts will know I've been struggling to deal with the end of a relationship. My boyfriend broke up with me several months ago and since then it's been a real mind game trying to stay positive and happy without him. Sorry if it seems like I keep taking backwards steps, but I just need to vent some stuff and get some advice.

 

He's an intelligent person and I respect his feelings. But I really felt that we had something great together. I've been out with lots of guys, and nobody has ever connected with me the way this guy did. Even friends who know both of us have found his decision to break up with me a bit puzzling - they all thought we were a fantastic couple. I don't mean to sound like I know better than him, but a lot of people, myself included, believe he has some general emotional/relationship issues. He also doesn't have a lot of experience with women (I was his first, true long-term girlfriend).

 

So, my question is: do you think that if we're meant to be together, in time he'll come back? You see, I don't want to annoy him by trying to get him back - I've tried, and it just pushed him away further. Do you think that if he goes out with a few more girls, gets some experience and gets to understand the whole 'game of love' a bit better, he might realise what he had with me? I don't believe in absolute destiny or fate, but I do know we had an awesome thing going.

 

I know I probably sound like I'm wishfully deluding myself, but perhaps if I adopt this way of thinking, it will actually help me heal? Any advice much appreciated! Thanks guys

[mahlina]

Gosh Pip! I feel for ya! I know how you feel! I wish I had a magic ball, but I'm not Miss Cleo...wish I was, then I'd be rich! Hehe! Actually, you asked a good question. I think that for the most part, if he will still 'experiecing' other women right now, I think that he'll still have you in the back of his mind, once in a while. I don't think that he can erase you from his long-term memory, since you do seem to have some kind of impact on his life.

 

Now, in terms of ever going back to you, it depends...Who knows what the future might bring, right? Well, the best advice that I can give you for now, is try to be the best that you can be. Don't let the path of heart-ache bring you down. And if things do fall into place, then perhaps, there will be a happy ending! Whatever it is, try not to sit around and wait. Enjoy your single-hood as much as you can. Once he realizes that you've moved on, perhaps, he'll want to pull back, and be with you again. Funny, that's how my ex's worked. Every time I moved on, they came back. But, nah...once it's broken, it's done. I through with it. Onto better things in life...But, I do know what you're talking about...that person that you just 'connect' with. That special bond is so hard to find.

 

I wonder what the guys think about this. Not too many guys voice out their opinions like they should. I know a few guys, who give out excellent advice, so I wonder what their opinion is...

 

Besides, some of them give out the best advice! I'm curious too! Mahlina

[ck]

Look at it like this.

 

Be lucky you had that experience because some people never find it.

 

Peace.

[shockeddismayed]

Hi Pip,

 

I'm so sorry that this has worked out this way for you. I'm not sure I know what to say... except that I feel for you... you'll understand why:

 

I'm a guy... so you will get the male perspective this time... except that I am in the same situation as you.

 

My girlfriend and I met at your age... 22... I had been with several serious girlfriends... always felt strongly, but I knew right away that EX was "the one". She had only had one boyfriend when she was 17-18 and he broke her heart. Years later when I came along, she had become a VERY independent person, to the point where she had missed out on part of the fun life has to offer. I came in and reminded her how wonderful life could be... she came back out of her shell, and despite some initial barriers, she fell in love with me too.

 

We'd always talked about being soul-mates. And early on, she worried that maybe we'd be better as friends... that way she'd never lose me. Anyway, I kept it up, trying to tell her that she was rediculous... that what we had couldn't be lost. She agreed.

 

Fast forward 7 years... we've both been spending a lot of time in school and getting "growing up". We've lived together, shared a house (with roommates) and a car... commonlaw couple who was just about to get married. She knew I was about to pop the question, and without warning she bolted... broke up with me... and was wondering whether there was someone out there that would be "easier" to be with. She was willing to throw away ALL of it, her best friend, her lover, her partner... all because she felt our arguments were too fiery (we're both very stubborn and competitive), and b/c of that, she'd started to resent me... which had an impact on our intimacy.

 

She's said she might want to try again in a "while" but I've been left to wonder if that will ever happen.

 

I guess... I don't really know what I'm trying to say. But my experience at the moment is that even soul-mates can mess things up. Relationships are so complicated... and you can never really control ALL of the variables. That is what makes it a leap of faith.

 

What your EX is doing right now is a complete leap of faith. He knows he cares about you, but he is feeling right now that there might be something else out there for him. He might be VERY wrong!

 

The unfortunate part for all of us is that we cannot give other people our insight and perspective on things. Relationships... sadly... CAN BE about timing. If it isn't the right time for him, there isn't much you can do to change it. It may very well work out later, but unfortunately you can't wait around for that to happen... else it most certainly won't happen.

 

Keep in mind all of the positives... you are young.. you have plenty of time to meet more interesting people... someone may surprise you and re-define what you think of as soul-mates. It happens.. it really does.

 

Keep an open mind... be thankful that he didn't jump out of this 7 years from now... be open, but not focussed on the idea that he might come back... but also open to the idea that love might have something else in store for you.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Scout]

shocked&dismayed - that was a lovely response.

[pip]

Thanks Shocked & Dismayed. You have a great way of looking at it. And I also agree with this in particular:

 

But my experience at the moment is that even soul-mates can mess things up. Relationships are so complicated... and you can never really control ALL of the variables. That is what makes it a leap of faith.

 

Relationships... sadly... CAN BE about timing. If it isn't the right time for him, there isn't much you can do to change it.

 

You're right - somtimes timing and life events just mess things up. I guess you have to just say 'oh well', move on somehow and keep looking. Thanks

[kungfumaster]

Shocked&dismayed - you are totally right - it does depend on timing sometimes - shoot eh! We just have no control over that. Oh well to quote pip. Yah - just got to try to move on.

 

My feeling is there are probably many people out there who are suitable for "meant to be with" material, i.e., people we really connect with and fall in love with, and that we want to spend the rest of our lives with. I know this is very cynical view, and not very romantic, but I think it is realistic. This is because if I thought my recent ex was the one and only for me, I would just never heal and move on, and I would just wrinkle up and die. Maybe if I eventually find someone in the future, my views on this would change, but that's how I feel now.

 

There is just not one person we're meant to be with I think. It is that we choose to be with one particular person for such a long time that we don't have time to "get to know" the other "meant to be with" people - and that's how it should work right?? - because it takes a long time to fall in love with someone, and we only have one lifetime. I didn't love any of my exes until maybe after 6-12 months of getting to know them, and spending time with them. I know, that's not very "romantic" and "inspiring" view - but I guess that's just the way I feel right now.

 

Not so enthusiastic hi yaaah.

 

Like shock&dismayed said above, it does depend on timing - and probably a bit on luck too I think.

[shockeddismayed]

Thanks Everyone...

 

I'm glad that my advice/outlook helped. The unfortunate part is that even though I wrote it... it isn't making me feel all that better at the moment.

 

Since I wrote that, I've had a random encounter with the EX. We've lived in the same house, same city for 3 years, and I've only twice before seen her randomly on the street, or out and about.

 

Anyway... it turned into a full day relationship chat... which at first made me feel much lighter, but now I am crashing and crashing hard.

 

If any of you would like to return the favour, you could check out my post

"Help: EX has Coldfeet! Huge Update!" in the Getting Back Together Forum.

 

Having a tough time following my own advice.

[barwench]

Hey Pip

I've had a simular experience. My ex was married for 14 years to his first love. They got separated and I came along. We hit it off.....he was my soul mate. Unfortunately, we hit a roadblock.....he has never been alone, has never experienced life, whereas I have been through relationships and alone time and knew exactly what I wanted...it was him!

One day we decided to end things so he could lear to do it on his own...buy hios own house....furnish it the way HE wanted to....live HIS life the way HE wants. It was really hard for me to get it. People don't just break up for no reason!!! We had a great relationship.....everything I was looking for .....except something was missing inside of him and until he finds it, he will remain lost.

It hurts to watch someone continue on but hold on to what you have learned, what that person showed you and be aware of what you deserve. I truly know what love feels like now and I thank him for that.....Every person needs to grow with themselves before they can grow with someone else.

Cherish the fact that you had something special because not everyone gets to experience that!

I will ALWAYS love my ex.....my soulmate!

Keep Smiling!

[Chandler]

barwench,

Your story makes me sad. I've always thought love was enough, but I guess not. How long ago was this? How long did it take for you to get over him?

 

About the growing as a person, when my EX and I met, she had just broken up after a 2 year relationship. We met a couple of months later. We hit if off right away. We've been broken less than 2 months, and she's dating already. I thought she was the one for me as well, but it really hurts that she moved on so quickly.

[barwench]

Hey Chandler

I hate to say it but I'm not over him....its been 6 months since we broke up and I have felt every minute of it. I use to believe that if its not broke then don't break it but unfortunatley he needs to do this. I know he cares about me and I know that we will always have a very special bond but we were at 2 different stages of life.....it just sucks.

I truly do believe though that you have to be happy with your own ife before you can bring anyone else into it.....accomplish your own goals. Thats what I have been doing!

Some people believe that they need that special person in their life in order to be truly happy but true happiness comes within!!

As for people jumping from one relationship to another...I believe those people are lost souls who are looking for direction.....who want to be loved. Don't get me wrong...I love being in love but I also know what I want for myself and my relationship.

If its meant to be it will be...if not then you've learned a little more about yourself.

Keep Smiling!

Its ok to miss them.......if you didn't it would mean you never cared!