Am I being possesive?

[SerenityIsDeath]

I've been having alot of problems with my girlfriend lately on a number of topics. The main one that always seems to come up is alcohol. I'm a very much against the consumption of alcohol and drugs and have never wanted to associated with those things. My hatred of alcohol is because of my Grandmother and Father both being abusive alcoholics. I learned from a very young age the consequences of what happens when people have too much. I further hated alcohol when I found out that I had been diagnosed with a genetic liver disease. I'm now going to suffer the rest of my life for something my father did.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. My girlfriend of a year always felt the same way that I did, up till a couple of months ago. She would always mention how she wanted to drink and blah blah blah. And I was always against it. I would say things like "I'd never date someone that drank" etc. I also threatened to end the relationship if I ever found out that she did it. Well, she kept bugging me and bugging me, and finally I gave in. I said it would be okay with me if she drank. I said this for a number of reasons mainly to get her to stop talking about it, but also because I thought that maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal after all. It turns out I was wrong.

She went out and drank two days after my go-ahead, then she told me about it. I can honestly say I've never felt worse in my life. I couldn't talk to her for a week, and I had the most horrible stomach pains you can imagine. I also couldn't get the thoughts of her drinking out of my head and it made me severly depressed and made school and work much harder. I never blamed her for what she did though, obviously I was the one that thought it would be okay. I just simply told her that I never wanted her to do that again. And now, she's mostly always angry at me. Saying that I control the things she does. I just don't understand why she feels this way. I just don't want her drinking, it's not the end of the world. It also doesn't help since we go to different colleges and I see her about once every three months. If anyone can help me I'd appreciate it.

[twizod]

The long distance relationship is always a tricky balance act. Unfortunately, you made your view perfectly clear and you cannot go back on what you said. She will do what she wants to do and since there is distance you cannot monitor. My suggestion to you is not going to be easy but it is for the best. One, she does need to get this stage over with in her life...most everybody tries alcohol, parties, and gets over it. This is a stage and there is nothing wrong with it. I understand how you feel and I would say to give yourself space. I am sure she cares about you deeply but resents you for holding her back from having fun. Let her drink and let her know you cannot control her and do not want to. But also tell her that you cannot deal with your emotions and the pain it causes you and to please not call till the semester is over with. I guarantee the added guilt trip of this combined with your blessing to not hold her back will make her feel bad and think twice. Be strong! Sometimes, you can win the war by sacrificing the battle.

[SerenityIsDeath]

Your advice is good and all, but I just can't do that. I cannot tell her that I don't care if she does it. I can't take that pain anymore. And she can have fun many many other ways. I just don't see why it's necessary. I also wonder why she suddenly changed. She used to always tell me that she hated that her friends drank and she wish they would change. Now she herself is drinking. I just don't understand. And to be honest, if she ever did drink again I'd have to let her go. That may sound mean, but I don't want to get hurt again. I've honestly have had alcohol cause me too many problems in the past. I don't need those problems in the future.

[twizod]

If what you say is true then you need space. You must be honest with yourself and her. I am sure you have told her everything you wrote so I won't go off on a tangent. Most of the time, people ask questions they already know the answer to b/c they do not wanna admit it. Well, it seems she is in a stage of herself where temptation has won. And, she WILL resent you if you stop her. If she truly does love you and care about you deeply let her go and get your space....but keep in mind this is a stage everybody gets over. Let her explore herself, whatever her reasons are, let you heal and in the future she'll call you. Sometimes, the hardest thing in a relationship is letting go temporarily of someone you love b/c you think all is lost. You need to have faith and test your love. If it does fail then you have to accept it wasn't meant to be but what if it doesn't fail? I think before anybody gets married they should test their love b/c if it does fail it was never meant to be. Have faith.

[SerenityIsDeath]

I just don't know if that's an option for me. I couldn't stand the pain of knowing what she is doing. And I understand why this space thing could be benefitial, but she already goes to college in another state. I only see her once everything three months for a week or so. I don't think you can get much more space than that. And if she loves me then why would she want to do something that hurts me to begin with? She should know that it hurts me and accept that I don't want her doing it. In retrospect I don't think it's a big deal. I mean, it's not like I tell her who to be friends with, where to go, etc.

[twizod]

I am sorry but you are only seeing this from your point of view. Not everyone will see your way. She is far away, yes, but she is living a daily life without you and will succumb to diff't experiences. Everybody did not have your childhood. She does not have the experience to back up her decision of not drinking like you. You need to be more open-minded and let her do this. I guarantee she will be fine and so will you. If it hurts you this much then you cannot talk about it. Then tell her to never mention her drinking and see how that goes. But you will always wonder and it will bug you and that is why I think you need space. Listen, not to sound too rude but you are being unreasonable. If you aren't controlling then great...either am I. Doesn't stop women from doing stuff they want to do, though. Trust me, last thing you want is for her to resent you. You need to find a way you can balance letting her experiment in college and you being comfortable with it. Look at this like a test. Honestly though from your last post: "And if she loves me then why would she want to do something that hurts me to begin with?" and then "In retrospect I don't think it's a big deal." This are too conflicting b/c it is a big deal to you and I know you wish it wasn't. I know she has space from you but she has too much space so what YOU want probably doesn't hold as much weight since you guys don't see each other every day. I am telling you it is going to happen like this: Either you accept it and live in silent suffering or condemn it and she resents you till you two breakup........OR you tell her how you feel say you need space and eventually she comes around misses that person she can talk to on the phone who had a backbone and stood up for himself. Sometimes, standing up for yourself can be more respectful and charming then being meek and soft.

[twizod]

Read this einstein:

link removed

[ScorpGrl72]

At least she did tell you before she started drinking. It would and could have been alot worse if she had not told you and you found out she was doing it behind your back. Think of that aspect as well.

 

I do agree though, voice that it still bothers you, but not to the point she is going to start hiding it from you. You will either need to hang in there while she experiments in this phase, or if it really bothers you to the point that it makes you physically ill as it has, then let her go and maybe you will find someone who will keep those views and stick to them? Good luck.

[bb13]

I understand that her drinking hurts you and I can see that alcohol has seriously affected your life but I do think that your going overboard with this. If she has fun by drinking, then let her as long as it doesnt get out of control. Alcohol isnt evil. Too much can be and if the user becomes dependant on it and becomes an Alcoholic than that i think would be the problem. If you still cant live with the fact that your GF likes to drink than you either have to convince her not to(not to the point that she does it secretly but to completely stop) or i guess you'll have to leave her. I personally dont like it when my GF drinks either but I wouldnt leave her for it.

[modiac]

I'm sorry about your unfortunate experiences with alcohol in your family, and can understand why you don't want someone you care about drinking. However, trying to control your girlfriend when it comes to alcohol is not going to help. In high school, I was the same way as her. I never drank and didn't really see the point. Once I went to college, all of that changed. I drank just as much as my friends. It's definitely a phase that she'll probably get through.

 

On the one hand, I can see how you find it disrespectful of her to drink in spite of your issues with it. On the other hand, she shouldn't have to feel guilty about drinking if she wants to.

 

The way I see it, either you have to allow her the freedom to do what she wants (as long as it doesn't get out of control) or give yourself space from her. Maybe you should find someone who doesn't drink so that you're not tearing yourself up over it.