IJR Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 I am 19 years old. My boyfriend of 4 years is 23. he is the only one that i have ever been with. my first and only love. I truly believe that i am in love with him. when met when i was 15 years old and we neve looked back. before our one year together he joined the army. He was in the army for 3 years. he was in iraq for 1 1/2 years. i was with him every step of the way. I told him that i would always wait for him and that i would be here when he returned. we spent all time together possible whenever he was on leave and he could come home. he finished his contract this past december. I moved in with him right away. we are still living together. when he was still in the army he confessed to me that he was bi. i accepted it and told him that as long as he was sure that he wanted to be with me, that i was ok wth it and that it would just be another obsticle. i tried to be as suppportive as possible b/c i knew how this was looked at in society. about 2 months after i moved in with him, he told me that he wasnt sure about his feelings and that he wanted to just be friends. to let him be and figure out what he needed to. i was devestated but decided to stay, not only because i love him, i need to figure out where this relationship is going to go. he has made it clear that if things dnt work out with guys he wants to be with me. i think this is why i stick around. i love him to death , but all the emotions that i have to live with everyday and seeing him on his phone talking to guys and seeing him go out to these gay places is killing me inside. i know he told me that it was going to be this way, but my desire to be with him and knowing the future of our relationship is stronger than the pain i feel daily. i tell myself everyday that things will be ok, but i also know that they might not be. i have expressed to him my emotions almost everyday and he says i am free to go. but i cant do that. it doesnt feel right. and besides i have no where else to go. i left my family to be with him and they dnt want to help me bc i left. i don't know what to do bc i don't know how long this is going to go on for. I hate being in love with someone who doesnt love me back. i would love some advice. i know i am still with him bc i want to and in a way i am bringing this on to myself, but all the talk to makin a life together still jingle in my head. there is no one i can talk to about this, i would love the advice or someone talk to about this Link to comment
zinny Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Oh my gosh I*JR.... I'm sorry you are going through this.... I had my own issues with other people in my relationship with my ex.... but your issue, well... it's just a whole different level. As hard as it is to hear... I think everyone is going to say the same thing to you. You need to walk away..... because you are hanging on to be someone's possible second choice. He told you that if he doesn't work things out with "guys"... then you're up. That's not love.... that's security for him and nothing for you. I've made so many mistakes with my ex and I let him do the same to me (but it was with his ex gf) that you are letting him to do you. And let me tell you... it took not one, not two but numerous painful break ups and betrayals until I let go... each one got worse and destroyed my self-worth that much more.... I'm finally at a point where I have decided that the pain I have is not healthy and I need to move on... but it took me so long to get here... and let me just say, it was so much worse then had I moved on earlier... and not invested so much emotional and time. The longer you stay with him... the lonelier you are going to be. You have to walk away.... you DO NOT deserve to be someone's fallback plan. You deserve to be their number one choice and their only choice. You are still so young and there are soooo many eligible guys out there. Go out and find one that deserves you. If you ever want to chat... you can PM me... Link to comment
IJR Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 thank you, and yea i pretty much expected these responses.. i knw what i have to do, it just doesnt feel right to do it. we get along so great and at times its like nothins is going on. his family doesnt know and they are very strict old school parents, his dad would kill him. he is more than willing to tell them, just afraid to. we live with his parents since he is having a hard time getting a job after the army. we act like a married couple and thats why its so hard to shake. its like were both living two lives, one where were this perfect couple, and the other were i just feel like a best friend with a gay guy. i have to put on this happy girfriend face to his family and close friends, and then act different towards other people. i have gone to a few parties with him where there was gay guys and i can say the pain of that, will never let me do it again. Link to comment
nina2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 From what you are describing he is happier with his freedom to look for guys. Your presence in his life is providing him with the cover for his family and friends. If you love yourself, you have to understand that the right thing to do is to let him have his freedom and meet with his responsibilities. Right now by acting as a cover for him you are taking away from him a necessity to be responsible for his gay lifestyle. It doesn't do good for him, doesn't do good for you. You also have to take responsibility for your life situation. You are involved with someone who are not financially responsible. You are not financially responsible as well. On top of it he is not even emotionally or sexually responsible. This union that you are holding now is corrupted by all this and causes a damage to your life and his life. You need to take responsibility for yourself and go back to your parents. They will accept you. It would be even better if you can find a job and rent your own little room somewhere and live there on your own. He will stay your dear friend I am sure. However your real partner is somewhere else. You have to do a lot of homework before you meet him. Nothing wrong with that. Link to comment
IJR Posted September 30, 2009 Author Share Posted September 30, 2009 ok, so... We ended up getting into an argument about this the other night. We decided that if we didnt try to have an actual relationship, and try to work out, the other stuff... then it was going to have to end between us. it was either try, or just let it go completely. I told him that if we were really going to give this a shot, then he was going to have to treat it like a real relationship also. he agreed, but the thing is that he told me that he was still going to go out, and maybe even have relations with a man, if that happened. and that he didnt want to see me cry or depressed about it. But that the only real relationship that he wanteed was with me. I don't know what to think about that..... Link to comment
Lucius Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 ...but the thing is that he told me that he was still going to go out, and maybe even have relations with a man, if that happened. and that he didnt want to see me cry or depressed about it. But that the only real relationship that he wanteed was with me. I don't know what to think about that..... If I were you, I would think that he really didn't comprehend what you meant when you said: I told him that if we were really going to give this a shot, then he was going to have to treat it like a real relationship also. he agreed... Or rather, he understood it but chose to ignore it... Going out and sleeping with other people, whilst in a relationship with a person who insists on monogamy, is in no way a compromise on his behalf. The rest is just fluff - a smokescreen. To use an example, it's like he has 3 apples, and you have 3 oranges (bear with me). You've said that to continue in this relationship he will need to replace his apples with oranges. He agrees, but warns you that he will continue to have apples, and not buy oranges. Oranges aren't for him - and he doesn't want you to get upset about it. In other words, he didn't agree, at all, to anything. He just ran a circle around you and called it compromise. And you bought it - to some degree at least - because you're so desperate to make this work. But it won't work. Not if what you want, as you say, is a "real relationship". All of this bargaining is a charade. He's not willing to give you what you want, but he wants to keep you around. You want oranges, but he can only give apples - so he calls them oranges instead, despite their shiny green exterior. That sort of 'compromise' will only last as long as you remain willing to turn a blind eye to what, for you and most other people, are clear deal-breakers. My advice to you is this: stop procrastinating and blinkering yourself to the truth. It's going to end one way or another, sooner or later, and it would be better by far to be the one in control of that. Take the initiative and leave this guy - before his relationships with other guys (sexual or emotional) leave you feeling (more) gutted and (more) used than you already do. My two cents... Link to comment
McLaren_F1 Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 ok, so... We ended up getting into an argument about this the other night. We decided that if we didnt try to have an actual relationship, and try to work out, the other stuff... then it was going to have to end between us. it was either try, or just let it go completely. I told him that if we were really going to give this a shot, then he was going to have to treat it like a real relationship also. he agreed, but the thing is that he told me that he was still going to go out, and maybe even have relations with a man, if that happened. and that he didnt want to see me cry or depressed about it. But that the only real relationship that he wanteed was with me. I don't know what to think about that..... I*JR, even though this is hard to hear its reality, this is your first Love and you haven't seen anything. Your friend here is gay and he is having a hard time coming out, and it seems as if he is very insecure and just needs you around as a friend so that he won't be alone. Pack up your stuff, and go home to your parents. They will not turn you down. I don't believe in guys being bi-sexual, its either you are gay or not and since this guy you're talking about is gay, you need to move on. Also, until you do this, if you guys have sex, use protection (condom). BTW, did you know that 99.9999999999999% of first love relationships don't work out? Link to comment
RLW Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 So he basically told you that he is going to go out and try to find something better than you, and IF things don't work with dudes, he will settle for you. No one deserves to be second best. Link to comment
Anberlin Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 If he agrees to being in a relationship again, and he messes around, it's still cheating regardless of gender. Link to comment
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