Will I ever be free?

[aloneinthefog]

Hey, guys.

 

I'm an Indian, 22-year-old guy about to graduate with an engineering degree (in December) from a prestigious university in Southern California. I don't want to give too much away lest someone I know be on this site. I interned this past summer at a company near my house, so I lived with my parents the whole time. The only reason I got the internship was because a family friend of mine works there. Keep in mind, I still had to interview, but this family friend passed my resume around the company. Anyway, if it weren't for this family friend, I wouldn't even have an internship on my resume. I probably would have wound up studying for the GRE for 3 months. Now, I'm doing some work for them over the fall and I may end up getting a job with them after I graduate in December. Obviously, this would be great. In this economy, it's damn near impossible for new graduates to find jobs.

 

But I'm still unhappy. Why? Proximity to my family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but over the last 22 years, I have been way too close to them. They've been involved in, and had their eyes on, every last part of my life. I can't go anywhere or do anything without my parents knowing, even today. And it's not just my parents. I have a bunch of relatives who live in this area who are always visiting me and who always know what I'm up to. There's no room for privacy and living my own life. My parents have even said they'll let me live in my own apartment somewhere else in the area, but I just know that, somehow, my family will still be watching me. I'll still somehow be dragged to family events, probably by the use of emotional manipulation and guilt. If I don't want to go to my boring relatives' pooja, I'll be 'anti-social' and reminded that these relatives will think poorly of American-raised Indians.

 

This is part of the reason I'm socially dead. It's part of the reason I've never had a girlfriend, kissed, or even been on a date. For so long, I've been under the watchful eyes of my family and in the iron grip of my culture. Every time I think how nice it would be just to, say, kiss a girl or slow dance with her or hold her hand, I'm reminded that, somehow, my parents or my relatives will know what I'm doing. All the expectations, standards, traditions, customs, and the obsession with family in Indian culture have stifled my personal growth and are driving me insane. I hate them!

 

There are so many things I want to do after I graduate. I want to travel and see the world, I want to go to parties, I want my own group of friends, I want to date, but I know I just can't do these things as long as I live in the same area as my family. However, thanks to the economy and my current situation, I may be stuck here, which makes me wonder: will I ever be free?

[Wolf_22]

I ask myself this everyday. I thought I would succeed when I graduated with my Bachelors, but, due to the economy as well as other factors, I find myself back in school--now going for a Masters. I have yet to be accepted to the program, but within a year, I should be given my scores, letters, etc. all pan-out okay.

 

Someone on here once made the comment that appreciation should be felt for the mere effort at going back instead of lying down to die. I think the same applies to you. Be happy you're able to go to school and do all these things you mention instead of seeing them as a task. Sooner or later, this stuff will come to an end and you'll find yourself free and such. But for now, just try to enjoy what you have and keep pushing forward.

[thetruth]

Yes, enjoy it while it lasts -

but as well, the change that allows you to separate from your parents and their wishes is not based on proximity. it's in your head and something you simply need to do.

 

ok, maybe not simply - but it's something you just need to do. family is important and you will want them near to fall abck on, it is helpful - but just because they are near doesn't mean they need their hands in your life. that is something all of you will need to learn regardless of where you are, so you might as well get it out of the way now.

 

otherwise they will be just as involved, only over the phone and emails - until you stop it.

[Wolf_22]

Yes, enjoy it while it lasts -

but as well, the change that allows you to separate from your parents and their wishes is not based on proximity. it's in your head and something you simply need to do.

 

ok, maybe not simply - but it's something you just need to do. family is important and you will want them near to fall abck on, it is helpful - but just because they are near doesn't mean they need their hands in your life. that is something all of you will need to learn regardless of where you are, so you might as well get it out of the way now.

 

otherwise they will be just as involved, only over the phone and emails - until you stop it.

 

 

While I understand your general point (I think), I fear that I'm unsure as to what you're specifically trying to make a point of with it.

 

Are you trying to provide wisdom about emotional stability or financial independence?

 

In the case of emotional stability, I would say that I have few problems there, so the "all of you will need" shouldn't apply to me. However, the financial independence is another story--which have many factors correlated within the situation--which is also what I was referring to in my last response. Many of those factors pertain to things ranging from the economic factors to skill sets, experience, education, et al. With that, though, I'm not sure where the "all of you will need" applies in this, too.

[Grace]

I can understand how when you're so very immersed in your life a sense of perspective can be challenging, its a problem in my life im sure as well.

 

But you can't understand how bad things can get until you go through them, you can hear a thousand sob stories and you can't understand...but living without the net of your family is not an exhilarating challenge...its not what it seems.

 

Be so damn thankful that you don't know how bad it can get, that you can't understand, that you're family won't let you...And then hopefully resolve to make the changes in your life without a drastic placebo

 

Whether your family is there or not there will always be an excuse whether your life is a certain way, the goal is to try not to let the the excuse obscure the real problem and try to fix it.

[SnowFox]

I have two good friends who are Indian, and married to each other. They both were born in India, but came to the US for college, and met while they were in college. Both of them would have felt the way you do if they stayed there. They rebelled against their culture. They did not have an arranged marriage. My friend's dad was very mad at her for about a year when he found out she was marrying this guy who she met on her own while living in America. But eventually he came around.

 

You may need to stay at this job for a while to get something decent on your resume, but eventually, there is no reason you can't move to a different city.

 

Some people need geographic distance from their family in order to detach emotionally. Not everyone, but some do.

[aloneinthefog]

The thing is, even though my parents have tried to assure me that they'll leave me alone if I work near where they live, I know that, somehow, they'll have their eyes on me.

 

I have SO many relatives in that area, all of whom are constantly inquiring about me, that I feel like it's impossible to truly be free from them there. It's as though my extended family is the NSA, spying on my every move.

 

I know that, if I stay there, they'll be watching. I'll feel like John Nash in 'A Beautiful Mind' (and, if that movie's truly accurate, real life). They'll just be sitting there, watching me, and I won't be able to get away from them.

 

For example, my family is pretty traditional and old-fashioned. All my uncles and aunts had their marriages arranged, as well as my parents. I know, I just know, that if I, by some miracle, were to meet a girl and one of my distant uncles or aunts saw me walking down the street or in a park while holding hands with that girl, the news would go straight back to my parents, who would instantly start prying into my love life. Privacy and independence would go out the window. I can hear it now. "Why not marry a nice Indian girl?" "What will our friends and relatives think if our eldest son marries a non-Indian?"