How can I put up with my overprotective parents?

[ter93]

I'm 15 (16 in November). My parents (mother in particular) are, in my opinion, extremely overprotective, and treat me as if i'm a 6 year old. i'm not allowed to leave the house without their constant supervision, or see my friends. My mother has this misguided belief that everyone out there is trying to use me and manipulate me, just because she is manipulative doesn't mean that everyone in the world is.

My parents constantly control what i do, and make me study for ridiculous amounts of time (think all of the time that's not spent doing things such as eating). I get the marks, I know what I have to do, so why can't I manage my time myself? My parents have banned me from ALL gigging until I finish year 12. I think that's a bit harsh. I'm not allowed to have a job, go to the store, walk out of the house, stay home alone, or buy things. My parents use silly euphemisms for words such as penis- i'm not 2. I'm not allowed to watch movies rated higher than PG, with a few exceptions for things such as school (doesn't mean I don't though- torrents ftw)

My parents don't seem to see the value of a social life, and have never properly taught me how to interact with other people, only how to study (to be honest i don't think they know much about this). I have hardly any friends, no girlfriend, and am extremely shy and awkward because of it. What use is your knowledge when you can't live a happy life, and end up depressed, lacking confidence, and looking upon everyone else (especially yourself) with resentment?

They also have this extreme fear of me getting on drugs, and I'm straight edge, and that contributes to my parents trying to stop me from communicating with my friends.

Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with controlling parents?

[LanceVanceDance]

That sounds awful, it's hard to recommend anything because you're still a minor so you can't just leave them behind.

 

Have you tried telling them that you are unhappy because of their behaviour?

 

Best of luck to you, all I can tell you is that their behaviour isn't normal (providing you describe it accurately), and that you must keep your spirits up until you're old enough to afford living without them.

[cattie1]

Wow and i thought my parents were protective. All that would be pretty hard to live with, espically being 15, when you should have a bit of 'freedom'. They probably think they are protecting you...but honestly, its probably going to hurt you more so when ur older, coz they've sheltered you from everything.

 

When i was reading that i thought you might be a girl, coz parents tend to be much more over protective with girls, but then notice your male...and its a little shocking.

 

It sounds like they'd brush you off , but have u tried talking to them?

 

Is there some one like a school councellor you can talk to? they might be able to offer support and advice and even posibly talk to your parents. Do you have sibilings?

[vertigoxo]

Wow. Maybe you should do what cattie1 said and talk to a school counselor about it. They can refer to you some family therapists to help you and your parents out. This behavior isn't normal, in fact, it's quite abusive. You are a human being with needs to socialize and experience life. It's obvious you shouldn't be out having sex with everything that moves, drink yourself silly, or smoke. But you should at least be out there with friends and have fun with life while you're still young.

[dr_styles]

They probably think they are protecting you...but honestly, its probably going to hurt you more so when ur older, coz they've sheltered you from everything.

Yeah I'm almost the living proof. My parents don't sound that strict (like enforcing things like that) but they were, and still are, very over-protective and sheltering - and I'm like 10 years older, mid-20s. My social life isn't completely and utterly dead, but it is pretty crippled, because I grew up learning to "go to school then come home" (whether or not I had work to do). Each time I wanted to do something it would come as a surprise to them, they'd ask a whole heap of questions everytime, and express their usual distrust at everyone else. So being stupidly younger I "learnt" to not bother going out, and at the time it did not seem costly but obviously I never learnt to go out, socialise, talk to girls, or the real social norms. (now that I've seen much more of normal society I see my parents/extended family don't have a social life at all)

 

I don't really have any decent advice (given what I've just said) but good to see you've identified it as a problem; just get off the path I've sat on for too long because it's a long way back.

 

(I can only go off what I've seen here) I had a close relative who basically had to do a "teenage rebellion" - it was nothing of the sort on his side but that's what the parents thought of it. Anyway he started going out doing very simple, day-time things with friends and put up with any yelling or judgemental tantrums from the parents for quite a while before they basically got used to it (or trusted him, I'm not sure which it is ...). The party/alcohol stuff still had stiff resistance even though (since then) he was much older, but was easier for him to still go. Fast forward a tiny bit more and he's happily married.

[arcadefire]

While growing up my mother is very similar to yours. After school I went straight home. Never really had any friends in high school, led a very sheltered life. I could not go watch a movie with friends, no dinners, no sleep overs, nada. It made me very resentful that by the time I reached college all hell sort of let loose. I tried a lot of things and made a lot of mistakes. I wish I had a normal teenager life, but instead I made up for all of those years within a semester. Not smart. As a result, I have to hide my real self from my mother. She still wants to see me as this simple girl, but I'm in my 20s and already working and graduated. It's quite silly.

 

My best advice is to be calm and not argumentative when it comes to controlling parents. I kind of think it's a mental issue. Arguing will get you nowhere and will make them even more controlling. I don't really have much else to say except I know just how difficult it is to deal with controlling parents.

[Angeliah]

Geez, that's rough. Maybe ask if you can visit a family councellor with your parents. They may be able to mediate the conversation and help you come to some kind of compromise with your parents. You'll need to explain the effect this control is having over you and your social development, but at the same time don't get angry at your parents. As soon as you start getting angry your parents will put up their defenses and won't listen. Talk to them in a mature manner. They are obviously wanting the best for you and are probably scared of something happening to you. Explain that you need some freedom and need to be able to take some risks to be able to gain street sense and life experiences to learn from...

[Dinka]

My strongest suggestion is to approach them about it when it's not even a current issue: i.e. NOT when you're trying to go out and they're telling you that you can't. Approaching them from a subdued moment will help to show them that this is something that is perpetually bothering you and that you aren't just trying to be rebellious. Ask them HOW you guys can compromise and make things work. Ask what YOU can do to show them that you are mature enough to be more independent.

 

I would definitely recommend recommening family counseling if you find that all of your efforts seem to go to waste. Just remember to keep taking a look from their perspective to help you see where they ARE giving a little bit...it's not a change that will happen overnight.

[Just_14]

i'm in desperate need of advices.. i'm living in asian country. i'm a 25 female. i'm the youngest. i have an over protective mother & this is killing me. I'm still schooling,will be graduating in 2 yrs. i hv so much pressure from her abt marriage. I'm afraid it's affecting my sanity. She's so old fashioned that i could not go out with my friends unless my parents have seen them & know their family background. It's a bit way too much isnt it? Just yesterday,she made a big fuss & we are in cold war right now just because my friends posted group photos & my face is in it. She said i'm very dishonest & not trustworthy as i do not tell her EVERYTHING. it's just a damn picture! what's her problem?! this morning she finds fault with eveything. i realised she'll do that when nobody is around to find out what she has done. y does she torture my life this way?

[superbunny]

From my perspective they sounded great until I read the part about them preventing you from having friends. That's a recipe for disaster. Just because your parents want to block out all the negative influences from your life doesn't mean they have the right to block the positive ones too. Friends can be either good for you or bad, but it is inhuman to avoid friendship altogether.

 

They are turning you into a robot. Once you're ready for college, you should make a run for it!

[superbunny]

i hv so much pressure from her abt marriage. I'm afraid it's affecting my sanity.

 

Which is more important your mental health or pleasing your parents?

 

I'm not really a westerner by the way. My mother is asian and my American father died when I was baby. I can relate to your story. Asian parents have a reputation for being strict.

 

Getting married might make you happy. It is the traditional way asian girls escape their controlling parents. But will you someday be a controlling parent too?