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First off, I apologize for the length of this post. I posted once before, but some time has passed and need to get some advice.


Back story

We had been together for over 2.5 years but our relationship had been very off/on most of the time and especially since the beginning of the year. There was about 1 year where things were very good. About 2 months ago I started distancing myself from her, but we'd still talk a few times a week on the phone, over email, and see each other from time to time. You could say that I was the original dumper, I felt that we wanted different things out of life. She wanted a family, I didn't think either of us were ready for that nor did I want to set some hard expectation of that happening, she did. Maybe you could also say it was my lack of commitment. I had a huge change of attitude when she uninvited me to concert she was putting on(she's a singer/songwriter). I knew this meant she was moving on. At first I tried to just let it go, then a week later I called her spilling my heart out and begging her to come back to me. Her only response was that she had a change of perspective and didn't think we are good for each other. She said she didn't want to hurt me but that she felt it was over. I then emailed her telling her how much I was ready to make things right and that I felt at fault for how things turned out. She responded by saying that she didn’t want to hurt me but that she didn’t want to go back to us and that we should stop communicating for a while. That last email exchange was about a month ago and I’ve only reached out to her once since then. About 2 weeks ago I left on her doorstep some flowers, a painting I did, and a CD with a song on it. I didn’t write anything, nor did I leave any indication that it was from me, although I’m sure she knows it was from me.


Since then

I’ve seen her a few times in social settings with mutual friends that we have. The first time was at a club where a friend of mine was having a birthday party. I didn’t want things to be awkward so I said hi to her when she arrived and then goodbye to her when I left. The second time was at another group event with some friends. Again, I initiated the “Hi, how are you?” and this time she was a little more responsive but the conversation was very short and light. The third time we ran into each other was at another friend’s birthday dinner where afterwards we all went bowling. Again, I initiated the contact and the conversation was more lengthy but still light. It was also very one-way, with me asking how she’s doing with no real reciprocation. While I felt that I acted very civil and like I was ok, It was still painful for me because she was being aloof. I know I’ll be running into her at another group event this weekend and I’m worried that this cycle will continue. I want to give her time and space, but I also want to make it clear that her friendship is very important to me, even though right now it’s probably not possible for us to be friends. I would love nothing more than for us to get back together still, and I still have hope even though I probably shouldn’t! It’s clear that she has moved on. Recently in the morning when I wake up I feel terrible, like I want to believe this has all been a bad dream but I know that it’s really happening.



I’m wondering what I should do next. It’s been about a month since we had any real communication. I want to express to her that I would like to be her friend but I know this will look as if I’m opening up the door for other possibilities, which I would be. I also would be devastated to see her with someone else, and so when I think of a friendship with that caveat it is very troubling. I’m not going to stop hanging out with my friends just because she is going to be there. I wish I knew what she is thinking, I’m still obsessing over her but I’m working on that. Should I continue to play like everything is ok and just avoid her altogether in these situations? Is saying “Hi” and small talk ok? How much time should I let go before trying to reach out to her again, or should I even bother to reach out at all? I feel that if I don’t do it, it will never happen.

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Nobody has responded to my original post but I thought I would go ahead and post an update.


So I saw my ex yesterday at another group event. This time I had decided that I would only say hello to her and then distance myself. When she showed up, I was surprised that she approached me and said hello with a big smile, asked how I was doing. Then I stuck to my plan, I didn't speak to her and went out onto the patio to hang out with some of my friends while she stayed inside. eventually she came outside and was making eye contact with me. A little later people started to go back inside until it was just me, her, and a friend of ours. She then started asking me questions about how I was doing, how my music was coming along, how one of my close friends was doing, etc. I played it really cool and answered everything, joked a little, got some laughs out of her and asked her how her music was going. After a while I had to go so I politely got up and said goodbye to my friends who had come back outside and then looked at her with a smile and said "it was good to see you". She smiled back and said "you too". I know it's not much but I felt pretty good about everything as I left. I wasn't upset or distraught at all like I was the last time we saw each other. I'm trying to not get my hopes up and move on but we'll see what happens next. I've not sent her a letter yet, I've decided to wait for her to make the next move. She knows the ball is in her court still.

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Sounds like you handled everything really really well. Taking a wait and see attitude is the right way to go, too. I would say since she's the dumper and the girl, any communication from her will be about opening the door---she probably won't come out and ask you on a date or something (although she might). Even a friendly little text would be another positive sign . . . if it happens, respond in kind.


Good luck!

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