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depressing summer, lost track of life..


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i just have to vent.


this has been probably one of the worst summers i've had. i thank god my family is safe, and that i haven't lost anyone but still.. i've been depressed all summer. i don't have many true friends but the one i still talk to was away all summer, i've been drinking a lot, smoking pot a lot more, and i've been becoming irresponsible with my life. i really wish i could go to college, but a major * * * * up and a stupid decision has probably made it impossible for me to go back. i'm in debt for school loans, and the school i went to was a scam. i have nothing to show for it. i can't go back to school because i have no money. i went to this school for almost 4 years and i can't transfer any of my credits because this 'school' has closed down. i've been working full time at a crappy job all summer. and i'm not even being paid full time, nor am i getting benefits.


awhile ago, i posted a topic about a friend of mine who hasn't spoken to me in a year. i tried to get ahold of her a couple of weeks ago, and received some threatening texts from her current controlling boyfriend. after a few text exchanges, she ended up calling me and told me she no longer wanted to be my friend. that she was happy without me. she had me on speaker phone, and her boyfriend heard the whole conversation. i could hear his taunts and laughing in the backround. i was shocked. i emailed her sister about the whole thing and she told me she's a different person now.


i've gained 10 pounds because i've been eating for comfort late at night whenever i'm really depressed. there have been times where i've thought about suicide but the thought of family has always held me back. everyone i know has gotten into a new relationship this summer, including my recent ex-girlfriend. i have absolutely no one to talk to about anything. i've been really lonely and i think i'm on the verge of becoming desperate. i'm embarassed of working at a retail job at my age, when everyone i graduated with have steady jobs, graduated college. i haven't moved forward at all. and i can't.


i feel i'm a disappointment for my parents, because i feel bad that they support me yet i'm not doing anything with my life right now. i've lost interest in my music and in my art. i'm uninspired. i go to work which i dread, and i come home and eat. it's a vicious cycle. i don't know how to break from it. i guess i just need motivation

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yea motivation.. it can be hard to find. i would know. haha. have you tried to go out and make other friends? start looking up programs where art is involved? find someone who is probably interested in the same things so u could go with this person together to an art show or something? i mean dont rush it.. it only takes time everyone knows that so just take it a day at a time ok.. i hope everything gets better for you.

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