This one is for the ladies!!

[CB4RH]

Ive been reading and posting on this site for some time now, mainly to help with issues with my girlfriend and our incohesive sex life, and ive noticed that there are an insane amount of men, young and old, asking for advice and reasons as to why their girlfriends dont like much sex if at all, always tired when it comes to sex, not intimate, wont show any return favours (BLOWJOBS).

 

Basically, all these posts are asking the same questions, and noone yet has been able to re-post with something like "WOOHOO i tried what you guys told me and now she wants to have sex everyday, she is up for anything blah blah blah."

 

So, this appears to be an impossible problem to fix. I know many women are not like this at all, so dont take this as an insult ladies and forgive my 3 year long frustration fueled rage when i ask:

 

WHAT THE #$% IS THE DEAL WITH YOU????? WHY IS THAT YOUR EAGERNESS TO GET AMOUNGST MY BED SHEETS DROPPED FASTER THAN A GOD DAMNED LEAD BALLOON??? I AM NO ROBERT PATERSON OR BRAD PITT, BUT FOR @#$ SAKE, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I ENJOY WANKING IN MY #*&%$#$ BATHROOM AT 11 PM ON A FRIDAY BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO GET ME ALL HOT AND BOTHERED THEN THOUGHT IT MAY BE A GOOD IDEA TO GET SOME SLEEP!!!!! JUST BE @#$%$#% HONEST WITH ME AND I SHALL NOT WASTE EITHER OF OUR TIME IN TRYING TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU!!! ID RATHER BE PLAYING XBOX THAN LAYING HERE FEELING LIKE A TOOL!!!!!!

 

 

 

Im sorry, ive never said that to my girlfriend, though i bet most of us want to!

So ladies, whats the go? Why be all nympho like at the beginning, then drop the ball? i honestly want to know, so we men can all put or confused misery behind us!

[Cognitive_Canine]

Have you talked to your gf about this? How did those talks go?

[CB4RH]

you could ask a man who has been in this situation how these talks go and he could probably dictate to you word for word how my conversations go, even though i dont know he guy.

This is my point here guys. We have all tried "talking" to our girls about this, and we all seem to be getting the same reaction. These talks are long, emotional, touchy and unproductive. I will subtly raise the issue calmly, and then as soon as she realises what im doing, the defensive, arrogant b*t*h comes out and answer most of my questions with "i dont know" followed by a eye roll and the head shake. Have you been in this situation?

[Cognitive_Canine]

Sounds more like a communication problem.

[jennyy]

This has happened to me before, in my last relationship. We started out with our sex life incredible, but it got to a point when he'd get in bed with me without saying a word, and just want my body. I know sometimes that's nice, but girls need the emotional connection as well as physical. So if you treat her like a piece of meat, your piece wont get any.

[laylie]

If talking to your gf doesn't work, as you just get the roll of the eyes, maybe write it down for her. Simply and short. no beating around the bush. It annoys me when people in a relationship when one has a problem, the other just brushes it off and does the 'i dont know'....ive had that from my bf. quit dodging it. i know its awkward but come on.the other person just gets more fustrated.

 

unfortunately, it sucks. Girls seem to do this to guys a lot, but soon as a guy does it to his gf, she'll make much much more a fuss of it....its the same thing. nobody likes to be rejected, espically by their partner.

 

keep in mind she might not be aware of what she's doing. Either sit her down and tell her and be firm so she knws your serious and dont take the 'idont know'. Or if you dont want to talk, try romancing her...flowers, massages, something to get her into the mood slowly so she can see you want her.....

[Capricorn3]

WHAT THE #$% IS THE DEAL WITH YOU????? WHY IS THAT YOUR EAGERNESS TO GET AMOUNGST MY BED SHEETS DROPPED FASTER THAN A GOD DAMNED LEAD BALLOON??? I AM NO ROBERT PATERSON OR BRAD PITT, BUT FOR @#$ SAKE, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I ENJOY WANKING IN MY #*&%$#$ BATHROOM AT 11 PM ON A FRIDAY BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO GET ME ALL HOT AND BOTHERED THEN THOUGHT IT MAY BE A GOOD IDEA TO GET SOME SLEEP!!!!! JUST BE @#$%$#% HONEST WITH ME AND I SHALL NOT WASTE EITHER OF OUR TIME IN TRYING TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU!!! ID RATHER BE PLAYING XBOX THAN LAYING HERE FEELING LIKE A TOOL!!!!!!!

Has it ever occurred to you the possibility that maybe you're not so "hot" in bed and she's left feeling very unsatisfied, turned off and then lost all enthusiasm for sex with you. There could be a million reasons for her lack of interest and it doesn't always have to be all about HER. Just a thought.

[pinkelephant]

Has it ever occurred to you the possibility that maybe you're not so "hot" in bed and she's left feeling very unsatisfied, turned off and then lost all enthusiasm for sex with you. There could be a million reasons for her lack of interest and it doesn't always have to be all about HER. Just a thought.

 

that's not fair to say. if he sucks in bed, she should TELL him. why be in a sexless relationship????

 

 

 

and to the op, sometimes our sex drive just isn't as high as yours. it's not something that could be helped. we want lots of sex at the beginning b/c it's new and that's when our sex drive is welll on overdrive. what have you try? have you try romancing her? how about seducing? and i don't mean just in the bedroom but everywhere else too. think of how it was in the beginning, have your behaviour change?

[Capricorn3]

that's not fair to say. if he sucks in bed, she should TELL him.

I didn't say he sucks in bed, I said there could be the possibility and that it doesn't automatically have to mean that it is ALWAYS the women who are at fault.

 

Perhaps they should BOTH brush up on their communication skills.

[Speranza]

Well if it makes you feel any better, I feel the same about my Ex! (Though I wouldn't have put it like that to him. I just had a higher sex drive after the initial - erm - excitement wore off! I was very surprised but quickly realised it wasn't ever going to work - at least, not for me; he was fine with it, which was part of the problem really! ).

[Symbolic]

Why can't you just say "hey...woman...why don't we have sex anymore?"?

Why can't you NOT be subtle about it? Just say it. Beating around the bush is irritating.

[HouseKitten]

Sex is always more frequent at the start of a relationship. After a while it drops off naturally - it shouldn't stop entirely but it's not going to stay the same, 9 times out of 10.

 

Communicate for gods sake. And if she's not mature enough to have a discussion about it then perhaps you're not a very well-suited couple.

 

And I might add - some of us are perfectly happy to have sex whenever it's wanted. Some men are just as uncommunicative and difficult about sex as women are.

[cocopuff]

Hi CB4RH, I love your problem!

 

Just a couple of things to consider.. when you ask her a question, always look for the 'negative' in her answer, for therein lies her truth.

 

For example, if she says: ".. it's not because I don't like making love to you that I just want to go to sleep, it's just that it's late and I'm tired".

 

The negative always begins with "not" ("it's not because.."). Always reverse the negative of the spoken or written word to find the truth. The truth is (in my example), she DOES NOT like making love to you.

 

"It's not because I don't like giving bj's, it's just that I need to get to know you better". Truth revealed: she DOES NOT like giving blow jobs.

 

Whether you are sitting on the edge of the bed with your girlfriend or sitting in a meeting flanked by the CEO's of 6 different oil companies, it's all the same. When someone responds to you, their own guilt or 'lacking in truth' will almost always be presented to you first, as their opening line. It is never presented at the end of their statement. Whenever it is presented at the end of their statement, it is usually to retort an accusation directed at them. ("I gave him a blow job because I wanted to, 'not because' he expected me to").

 

A person who hides their lies within their words will always present the lie first, in the form of a dismissal for the contrived justification of their own falsely stated facts ("It's really 'not because' of (...) that I'm doing this, the truth is really (...").

 

"It's not because I don't like your mother or anything, it's just that I would like to have dinner at home on Sunday". (Truth: she doesn't like your mother).

 

"It's not because I wasn't intending to make love to you after all that foreplay, it's just that...". (Truth: she had no intention of making love).

 

"It's not because of a recent reconsideration of our cash positions in a softening market that we have opted out of this joint venture, it's just that we feel that the market cannot support our intended initiatives". (Truth: we're pretty much bankrupt because of our own ineptitude at playing the game).

 

So go ahead and play a game with her that I love playing with guys. Let the questions begin and don't forget to keep track of the score!

[RomanticAthart]

Maybe you guys just are not compatible in the bedroom. Trust me, I've met a guy once who had so little sex drive compared to mine... I mean.. I wud want it at least 2 times a day and he would want it MAYBE 2 times a week!!!

 

How do you connect with someone like that?? You need to be on the same playing field or one of you will be frustrated... in your case, YOU....

 

Have you ever asked her what her ideal # of making love was, when you were NOT in the bedroom? If she responds alot less than you want.. maybe it is time to start looking for new relationship....

[CB4RH]

LOL!!! please carefully read my first post. Im not looking for help with my situation (trust me, ive tried everything, i even got into the best shape of my life, many expensive diners and whatnot)

 

 

Im asking what the ladies think of such a common situation like this one!?!

 

I know im certainly not the only male who deals with this. So please ladies, why does one lose interest in sex whilst in a relationship? i am not being sexist or sarcastic, i genuinely would like to know!

[CB4RH]

very interesting point cocopuff, i have picked up on that before, but not quite to that level of insight! i sure would like to discuss this sort of thing further.

 

But guys, please believe me when i say i have attempted every single tactic in the book. This is not about me wanting more sex or blowjobs or whatever, i have learnt to deal with most of my frustrations. And im also one of the most conversational men ive known lol so you can rule out communication, although when it comes to this topic she drops out.

 

If you have ever been in my girlfriends position, but had a partner like me (e.g. kind, patient, caring, COMMUNICATIVE), what made you go the way that you did?

 

Im sorry if i am coming off as harsh or frustrated, its just seemingly difficult to explain what i mean!

[karvala]

I've resisted these threads up to now, but I feel I must respond to this just to restore reality in some sense. Yes, we want to believe that communication solves everything, and we can picture in our mind an ideal couple talking to each other and going happily together to the bedroom after their talk, and we want to believe that these are all just isolated examples and remain in denial of the situation, but really, you have to walking around with your eyes closed and your hands over your ears not to acknowledge that this is an incredibly common, widespread and completely real problem. I've lost count of the number of threads I've seen on this forum alone which all amount to the same thing: some guy saying his gf doesn't seem to want sex with him anymore, he tries his best to romance her, to be nice to her (a common theme), to initiate things, but he just gets rejected. If you think it's just a myth, think again.

 

Why does it happen? I think it's actually biological, and I'm afraid here I appeal to stereotype number two: women and nice guys. This is another hugely widespread problem that people prefer to remain in denial of because the truth is not that pleasant - most women (*not* all, so if you're an exception that's fine, I believe you) are more attracted to so-called bad boys (risk-takers, courageous, confident, autocratic, active, break the rules guys) than to nice guys (careful, sensible, measured, considerate, passive, follow the rules guys). Of course, these are simply different ends of a long spectrum, and we could have a whole other debate (and there have several hundred on here already) as to what constitutes a nice guy, but the above give some examples, and that's not the topic here.

 

A common theme of the "my gf doesn't want sex with me anymore" threads, is that they are posted by nice guys. There are two possible reasons for this: the moment a girl starts making sex more difficult for a bad boy, he uses his powers to simply find another girl, something harder for the nice guy who prefers to work on his existing relationship. The other reason, and I suspect there is truth in both, is that bad boys don't experience the problem to anything like the same extent.

 

So why do nice guys seem to regularly experience a situation whereby they find a woman, start a relationship with a healthy sex life, and then see it fade after a period of time? Well, as a neuroscientist I'm inclined to give you a biological explanation. Take a few facts established in a variety of different studies. Firstly, bad boys are perceived as more dominant, more likely to defend their woman. Secondly, bad boys (defined here as getting their partner into bed earlier, more likely to cheat on their partner and more likely to leave to start a new relationship elsewhere) have more symmetrical bodies (strange but true!). Thirdly, women are more attracted to (have more orgasms with, shown in a controlled study of committed couples) guys with symmetrical bodies (i.e. bad boys). Fourthly, and perhaps most importantly, women with an existing partner show a preference for the pheromones of a more dominant male (over those of their partner), but not for those of a less dominant male. Crucially, this difference does not exist for women who do have a partner; this finding (which also exists in a variety of other species) has been interpreted as suggesting that women firstly seek a nice guy to provide a nurturing environment for children, hence offering a healthy sex life at the beginning of the relationship, but actually want a more dominant male to father the children, hence the sex life fades once the environment is established, while the woman looks elsewhere for a more suitable biological father.

 

I must end with a caveat (or else someone else will) that we are not slaves to biology, we make our own choices and we are all different individuals. That's fine and true, but I hope the above gives some explanation as to why we see this situation arise so often, and some indication of just what individuals are fighting against in terms of their biological setup. And please, I know some of these facts and truths are uncomfortable, but let's not use that as a reason to pretend that they don't exist. Nice guys do have a harder time keeping a healthy sex life, and there are very real reasons for it (only some of which are mentioned above).

[CB4RH]

Finally, something i can understand!! lol. Im assuming most of us understand this bad boy/good boy theory pretty well, but i doubt many have considered it the reason for dwindling sex!

 

In your opinion, can a good boy change his image (less sensitive, stronger willed, etc.) towards his partner, and will this change the womans perception of him? My girlfriend has once told me that when i get angry and aggressive ( towards anything, not just her!) that it turns her on, though of course i have never acted on it, because i was too busy being angry lol.

 

Is it possible to reestablish this "badboy" image on your girlfriend, who already thinks your a sook?

[cocopuff]

 

In your opinion, can a good boy change his image towards his partner, and will this change the womans perception of him?

 

Is it possible to re-establish this "badboy" image on your girlfriend, who already thinks your a sook?

 

 

CB4RH, I have decided to hang with you for a while in your dilemma because I think I know where you are coming from.

 

In your first quoted question above, I would say that if a "good boy" changed his image towards his partner, he would in fact be lying to her. He would be pretending to be something or someone that he is not and his true character and personality would eventually be labeled as a complete fraud.

 

Even if he attempted it regardless, will this change her perception of him? No, absolutely not, unless of course she were one who enjoyed the game of 'role playing' and she could pretend right along with him.

 

The bottom line is, you have to be able to walk the walk and talk the talk.

 

If a woman admires the 'bad boy' persona in a guy, there is no way that a 'good boy' can emulate that image because he simply lacks the correct "persona" to pull it off. That is the reason that he IS a 'good boy' because he does not own the required persona to be the opposite of what he really is. If he did, he would BE a 'bad boy', right?

 

For an authentic 'bad boy' to try to come off as a 'good boy' to a woman, he too would fail miserably because of his inherent lack in persona of what is required to be a 'good boy'. A woman is able to see right through a guy who is pretending to be nice, sensitive, caring and so on. A guy's true color will always be revealed when the heat's on and women are gifted in ways that enable us to crank up that heat when we need answers. Guys are not good at pretending 'happily-ever-after' love stories at the best of times, regardless of their 'good or bad boy' persona.

 

To answer your second quoted question, is it possible to re-establish this 'bad boy' image on your girlfriend who already thinks you're a sook, again the answer is, definitely not.

 

How can a guy expect any respect from a woman after he lies to her about who he really is and then tries to BS her again as he back-pedals his way out of his failed endeavor, in his feeble attempt at re-convincing her of who he really isn't either. He is probably somewhere in-between good and bad, which is not necessarily an undesirable destination either.

 

A genuine 'bad boy' does not give a crap about being nice, sensitive, kind or caring. Everything is all about him and his ego and he will always be quick to confirm that particular evaluation of himself when she brings it to his attention, which she definitely will at some point in time, regardless of how hardened she has become herself.

 

A 'bad boy' will lay his cards on the table every time and will hide nothing. If she doesn't like his style, he won't compromise for her because he is not predisposed to compromise by nature. In response, he will likely make an inference to her that involves sex and travel.

 

Is THAT who you really are? Could you really pass yourself off as this kind of person consistently, where you would have her convinced?

 

More important than your girlfriend or anything that you would like her to perceive, be true to yourself and you will always win. Guaranteed.

[sugarpiehoney]

I would say the "newness" probably has worn off, something has changed in the relationship, medical issue, or hey i have him now i don't have to perform much cause he is still here. But seriously think about what has changed in the relationship, do you treat her the same? Do you compliment her? Understanding to her needs and/or wants? Alot of women need more emotional and mental stimulation.

With my ex husband there would be months of me not wanting to have any contact with him due to the way he treated me. He was angry alot and I took the brunt of it ( not physically) but emotionally. I didn't want to have anything to do with him and it used to piss him off more which got us nowhere.

[Celestialagape54]

This has happened to me before, in my last relationship. We started out with our sex life incredible, but it got to a point when he'd get in bed with me without saying a word, and just want my body. I know sometimes that's nice, but girls need the emotional connection as well as physical. So if you treat her like a piece of meat, your piece wont get any.

 

I totally agree with this...

[Purusha]

I would agree with the above as well, for several reasons.

 

When I was very put off sex was usually because it would become staid, predictable, and boring - the usual, go to bed, partner goes for boobs, neck and the nethers and would want to go at it within 2 minutes. For me and for most women I know who have been in the same situation, it wasn't enough and I felt pretty used as a result.

 

My other half also couldn't keep his hands to himself on a continual basis. Ie, constantly touching me sexually at every opportunity, this would range from things like, me doing the washing up, walking around, etc etc. Whilst it's nice to be wanted sexually, it's also quite creepy when you're pawed all the time and you soon lose the excitement in terms of the sensitivity of touch when it becomes unwanted and invasive. This was the biggest turn off for me - I wanted some space!

 

I don't like being touched all the time, and have found that not being touched all the time means that I will actively look for sex from my partner more. On an excitement level, I like that they live their own lives, are independent, don't 'need' me.

 

It then makes it all the more exciting when you ARE touched and makes you want more - this would also correlate to the dominant male.

 

I wouldn't limit this to just restricted touch as I think it's primarily in the mind - if you're seen to be a strong, independent male it will make you more desirable to her.

 

I don't know if it'd work, as the mould has already been set by the sounds of it and I don't know if it's possible to reassert yourself in that area - I don't have any experience of that! Maybe others have experiences of finding their partner more sexually compelling after a period of staleness??

 

I've tried to be as honest as I can be about how I was feeling, so I hope it's been of some use.

 

Ps.. I think most of the women in this situation tend to say 'I dont know' is because they can't necessarily rationalise why the attraction has gone, I don't think it's wholly down to them trying to keep you guessing. It's a primal thing and hard to explain, and I can only really communicate the above due to reflection!!