Suffocating without the air I breathe....

[Maria Lisa]

I'll try and ramble as little as possible.

 

This has been by far the worst year of my life. I broke up with the father of my child in January. It was the hardest decision but the right one because he was incredibly abusive and had destroyed me for five years. I didn't want my three year old daughter growing up and seeing the abuse because she would consider it normal and the cycle continues. He left, and I was alone in the house we shared and were supposed to live our lives together in, taking care of our daughter with no help from him, at all. I was so incredibly lonely, it seemed all the guys that were interested in me when I was still with him were nowhere to be found. So I took the time to reflect, find myself, heal from the traumatic era of my life and become someone balanced and on track. But the loneliness...shook me to my very core. I started feeling like, anyone, just anyone, can I hold you? Will you let me feel close to you, can you talk to me into the wee hours of the morning?

It had been so long since I felt love. I love love, it is the most beautiful thing humans can feel. The feeling of butterflies, the endless smiles and blushing, giggling like children, having someone to talk to about anything, anytime, cooking together, sharing lives...I hadn't loved my ex for at least two years before we broke up, he was so distant and cold, silent and cruel, but I stayed with him because I didn't think I had a way out. I took him back for a few weeks in March, he was calling me every day begging for a second chance and I gave it to him, I thought, "If he can change, maybe I can fall in love with him again." Wrong. WRONG. After three days of him being back, it turned into a power struggle. I had let him come back, so I thought I had the upper hand. He didn't want it that way so it just turned into a quagmire and I gave him the boot for the last time. Haven't seen or heard from him since and haven't seen a nickle in child support or anything. Well...so that was hard to fathom. Here I am alone again, in this damn house, thinking I'll be alone forever because who wants an emotional wreck with a kid?

And then HE came along....

I posted something about my "Glitter coated man" before so you can check my old posts if you want more background on the situation. Well, he came in like a bolt of lightning and I was absolutely thrilled because he was soo...sooo...enchanting. I fell hard and fast for his charm and started...well I don't know if you can call it a relationship. It was more like a "friends with benefits" type thing but we weren't even that good of friends...so complicated, so confusing, he would act like I was the only one in the world when we would run into each other and I mean run into each other because we hardly ever made plans. Well....he would disappear for three or four weeks at a time and then just pop up again, "Oh I missed you!" and I would just hide all my pain from him because I was totally infatuated, I wanted so bad to love him, he was so amazing. I likened him to a difibrillator, you know, that they zap people having heart attacks with? Yes. Well my heart had been cold and dead for so long, and then HE came along and zapped it back into rapid, panic action.

Well my heart was broken by him for the last time this weekend, we actually made plans, he showed up on time, we had fun until I ended up a drunken fool and he left and didn't come back or answer my calls. That was Friday night. The next morning I woke up alone like always, hung over and feeling so ridiculous and ashamed, and was almost late for my doctors appointment.

I had been seeing a counselor for a month or so, just to have someone to talk to about things that had been wearing me down, and she wanted me to go see a specialist for a psychological evaluation. Well ok. So I go to this doctor in his big fancy office with all his official, impressive looking pieces of PAPER in frames on the wall, and he talks to me for not even 25 minutes and says, "I'm diagnosing you as bipolar. I want you to take these drugs." And he hands me a nice little package of poison courtesy of Glaxo Smith-Kline. I was so incredibly upset the entire day, I went to spend some time with my best friends who are my support and sunshine through everything. I ranted about the diagnosis, I cried about my ex and the abuse, I told them how I had made an idiot of myself the night before, and then they told me one more earth shattering, heart wrenching tidbit of information that had been in the back of my mind but I didn't want to acknowledge...."Look, _______ doesn't want anything to do with you. He just hangs out with you because he knows you'll put out. He has no intention of it being anything more than that, and you should know this now before you get any deeper." Any deeper? I was about as deeply infatuated with him as you can get, and hearing these words pierced every vein throughout my body and I felt my heart slow to a near stop. It was the last straw, I couldn't digest all this...heartbreak.

So....I went home and had a proper mental breakdown. I felt doomed to loneliness after the emotional abuse I suffered for five years had beaten into my head that I wasn't deserving of love because I was too flawed. I had put myself out there, putting my self esteem to the ultimate test pursuing the glitter coated man who I thought was perfect only to have that blow up in my face and reveal that no matter how intelligent I am, I always fall for the assholes that use me as a doormat to wipe their muddy boots on. And now, sitting here alone for what I feel is the millionth day, with no one to take a walk with or to gently brush my hand through their hair, dying from the lack of love and affection I so desperately crave, I can't keep it together. I know that one day, I'll find someone. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to fall for another jerk that will destroy me even more, I'm afraid I'll fall for a smile or some kind words and jump into it head first because I want it SO BAD that I'd settle for less than what I deserve. I'm trying to do me, making myself a better person, pursuing my dreams and retreating into a cocoon so I can emerge this new, radiant, self assured megawoman, but I'm so scared! What if I can't pull it off? What if I fail at this too? What if I'm doomed to be a doped up head case that cries for days on end and chases away any possible mate? Yeah, those girls are really attractive, to the assholes who are looking out for themselves and want to take advantage, kicking someone while they are down. My family has been very supportive and so are my friends, but they can't cuddle with my on the couch, they can't run their fingers over my skin as we lay in bed together. They can't kiss me deeply and passionately. I've thought about just retreating into movies or books filled with romance and live vicariously through them, but I just end up getting pissed off and saying something to myself like, "F#&k Kate Winslet and F#*k Leonardo DiCaprio." I hate seeing happy couples, real or fake. I walk by the river at sunset and see all those ridiculous sappy boys and girls, holding each other while stars dance around them, lost in the moment. I see them in grociery stores, cafes, antique shops and restaraunts. I'm surrounded by them constantly. And I want to punch them all in the face because I'm so incredibly jealous. Why can't I find love, why? I'm beautiful, I'm successful, I have a wonderful personality and am intelligent and a good conversationalist. I guess, I can just look at it as this: To all you who have rejected me, your loss.

But.......hold me just once?

[TechResQ]

Wow! Your post actually made me cry. I know this will sound cliche' and you will think, "yeah right", but I've been in your shoes. I left a very abusive (physically and emotionally) marriage. Then fell for a "glitter man", as well....promise making, self absorbed ASS. My heart was broken, my soul was bruised and I felt alone and afraid.

 

I will tell you this...believe it or not, it WILL get better. I promise you that. Someone will come along out of the blue, when you least expect it and turn your world around. I couldn't believe it would happen either, but it did.

 

Right now, direct all your love and affection to your beautiful little girl. You have already proven that you are an intelligent, brave and incredibly strong woman. Pick yourself up, go to another counselor who won't automatically prescribe you drugs, but will truly listen and nurture you. It helped me more than I can say. Keep going to different ones, until you find the one you are comfortable with.

 

You will be ok. I guarantee it.

 

Wish I could do this for real, but please know I am sending {{{HUGS}}}

 

Take care of yourself, treat yourself with the loving care you deserve.

 

God Bless.

[arsenic_n_lace]

I agree, i know it doesn't seem like it now but things will start to look up for you! You just have to stay positive. If you're at rock bottom right now then the only place to go is up right? Just keep your head up!

 

If you treat yourself with dignity and respect then you'll attract the same from a partner. You'll know when it feels right with someone but don't settle just because someone's showing interest in you. You deserve better than that!