Singler Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 Original Thread- Search for Thread: Ex coming over tomorrow night... \He offered to take me out for coffee tonight to talk about things, he said we need to take things very slowly and not have any sleepovers or sex for a long time so we can think clearly and no one will feel used. I am confused about this and don't want to say the wrong things tonight, so what do you think these means? How should I approach it? Our sex life was fantastic and I think that maybe he wants to leave that part out to see if we are compatible in other ways. I want to tell him that I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend again, I want that label, we can take it slow but it is important for me to have that label, will I be asking for too much? Do i just lightly mention that I feel weird from being in a full blown relationship to nothing or wait a month or so to lay down some demands? Link to comment
Average_Joe Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 so you want to be together and close, but you get the feeling he thinks your just in it for the sex? Link to comment
zinny Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 I say he appears to be sincere about wanting to have a 2nd go at things... but taking it slow. So I say, if you want it to work.... then it probably is better to not rush things and take it day by day. Pretend you are meeting for the first time again and get to know one each other again... go on fun dates and rebuild the connection that brought you together the first time, without all the stress of having labels or extraordinary expectations..... I likely wouldn't push for the labels as that will probably push him away or cause undue fighting between you two.... He's probably not ready for all that yet again, perhaps he's still mending from what happened in the past and both of you should embrace this time together as something new and exciting and fresh.... IMO, it sounds like a good start.... Good luck! Link to comment
Singler Posted August 26, 2009 Author Share Posted August 26, 2009 I think he wants to cut out the sex to see what else we have in common before giving up on us, because the sex between us is FANTASTIC!! Yeah i guess I could start over, but we met he fell in love with me right away, he jumped in too fast while I preferred to take it slower, now its reversed I guess. He is worth it for me to be patient with, but I guess I have to hear what he says tonight, when he broke up with me he said he never wanted to speak to me again. But slowly we came to eachother and now its coming down to tonight... I figure I will let him do the talking and just play on what he says... He wants to go for a drink but I actually have a cold....not sure if I want to drink (i know he wants to go to our place that we always used to go to when we had an argument and made up) what is it that people drink when they have a cold- whiskey? Link to comment
Singler Posted August 27, 2009 Author Share Posted August 27, 2009 Ok so we went out, It was liek a first date. He said the NC made him realize that he still wanted to be with me and give it another go and that he missed me. We are taking it very slow this time. He said please just give me time it will be ok. He asked 3-5 different times if he could call me next week and If I would like to go to get a drink and dinner. I said ok. ( he is going camping with his kids this weekend) So I will keep on posting updates, and thanks for all the help and advice I received on this board since I am getting my 2nd chance (we are dating not b/f g/f yet). Link to comment
Singler Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Ok so I need some advice..... I made a big oops today by responding to his text saying our break was good for us because we now can have a good time and see if we connect as bf/gf again he replied back.... Singler, I all i said was I had a good time, don't think anything has changed yet, i still may want to see other people, I was just being honest. I had a good time. Boy oh boy that text set me back.... i thought things were going good for us, but it all comes down to the pushing thing, i notice whenever I push he gets frustrated and says things he later changes his mind about and I hope this is one of them. I didn't think what I said was that bad it was not like i said now we can be bf/gf. He is supposed to call me tomorrow to plan our this weeks date.... last weeks date was good, we talked he even held my hand and kissed me on the cheek goodbye. I know we are not just going to jump back to being together after one week but damn! I know I am the type that harps on things and my friend says its his way of seeing if you changed, but only 10% of my mind believes that could be possible. ahhhhh!!! Help me please!!! Talk some sanity into me, It is almost 2am eastern time and I cannot sleep, I have work tomorrow and feel like all hope is lost with what he texted! Link to comment
Singler Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 QUESTION.... I decided that if he wants to see other people, it would not be good for me to stick around, or am I runing reconciliation but not allowing him that chance? Please help... I am going insane thinking about what is right to do... Link to comment
Lavender25 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 QUESTION.... I decided that if he wants to see other people, it would not be good for me to stick around, or am I runing reconciliation but not allowing him that chance? Please help... I am going insane thinking about what is right to do... This one is entirely up to you. If he is seeing other people, maybe it would be a good idea for you to spread your wings a little bit too. You never know... you might meet someone that will treat you better than your ex is now. Not saying you have to make any commitments... but don't wait around. That's kind of where I am now. How long were you in NC with the ex? Link to comment
Singler Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 well about 2 weeks only, then we started once a week calls and once a week dates... do I tell him this face to face or over the phone? I am not a back burner biatch and I will not wait around, if he wants to try with me fine, but trying with me and seeing other people... no! My sister said I should wait it out and see what he says on our "date" but if he is having doubts....then I don't think he is ready to be going on these dates with me! Link to comment
Singler Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 I ended it altogether with him, I can't bear the thought of being crushed again if he develops something with someone. So now it's done and over with, I am crying once again. He said he hopes I don't change my number and he will contact me via email or facebook if I do, I said don't unless it is to see me and me only and now you can see whomever you wish. I am so hurt because I did not even want to be with him in the beginning but I saw something in him and I just countinued to go on dates but at least I am no longer in limbo. I wish I could erase him from my mind, at least I walked away knowing I am worth it and won't go from being his girlfriend to just one of his dates. He didn't even say anything kind to me, I never experienced that in a breakup. This is going to be really hard.... Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 oh, sweetie, I'm sorry that's happening. You did the right thing. It's too much for him to ask of you, I think. You had to draw the line. But it must feel awful. I don't know whether you ruined any chances---maybe you don't care anymore. But if you do, know that it's possible he'll rise to the occasion. If he doesn't, there's nothing else you can do. You can't accept everything and anything just to make it work. Stay strong! Link to comment
Singler Posted September 1, 2009 Author Share Posted September 1, 2009 thank you coolchick for responding to my post. I am still crying drinking my wine and praying I did the right thing for ME. He said he wanted to see other people... who knows if he was already....I just couldn't take the chance to hurt myself in the end I would rather get over him now then waster another month and then do it then.... if its meant we may be together again but hopefully I will be in a better place where I don't want a man who would throw me away so easily. I hope I did the right thing.... he kept saying he will contact me if I change my number online and who knows what the future may hold I said well I won't be there if you don't find the next best thing.... he got annoyed i just said good bye....it feels right but oh so wrong.... I did not feel this way with my ex of 11 years... I guess I actually loved this man.... Link to comment
Lights Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 You totally did the right thing. It's unfair for him to play you around like that telling you something different every day, depending on how he feels that day. You need to get out and meet new people, and if you feel like dating in the future, find someone who will remain consistent. You don't need that crap. Best of luck to you in the future. Link to comment
bravebird Posted September 1, 2009 Share Posted September 1, 2009 You totally did the right thing. It's unfair for him to play you around like that telling you something different every day, depending on how he feels that day. You need to get out and meet new people, and if you feel like dating in the future, find someone who will remain consistent. You don't need that crap. Best of luck to you in the future. Amen to that. My ex was notorious for inconsistency. One day he was all gung ho for making the relationship work, then the next he'd just change his mind..."it's too hard. it's not working." stability is an important trait in a partner. how can you ever trust someone who is in constant emotional flux? Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Yes, it sounds like he is a little nervous. He's dipping his toe in and you're saying "come on in, the water's great!" It might take a little more time before he's ready to go all in. You said that he said he missed you when you went NC so maybe your ultimatum will work the same way. I wish you luck. It's not over yet, so try to see the positive. Some dumpers won't even see their ex's and yours is receptive to a point. Link to comment
Singler Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 yeah, I know when he is angry or feels pressured he will say things and later think about them... I made the big mistake of pushing him too much too soon without relaizing how he felt and why this was happening, he told my sis yesterday that I am still pushing and we are not together which makes him confirm his reasons for ending it and that he does not see us to be in a relationship again and that he was seeing me to see if we could work it out and start new one day, yet he still wanted to date around. That last part seemed confusing to me so I said if we ever have a chance at starting new it has to be truly that way. I can't continue seeing him risking getting hurt in the end while he is dating others. So I made the choice to remove myself from the situation so I could never get compared or hurt. I told him do NOT call me or email me unless it is to see only me...I said I did not want to be friends. The wound was too raw yet and pushing the ex to try and come back to me was pushing him away. I need tiem to heal from this, yesterday's feeling was denial today is anger.... Going on DAY 2 NC... I will continue to post....I am even working on my own site instead of bombarding this board... that should keep me busy... Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Singler, the same situation happened with me. My ex and I decided to start to date again but he wanted to continue to date other people as well. Originally I said ok, thinking that I was his best option and I was confident that after we went out a few times, he would come around. Well, we went out a few times and it was great, just like old times. We didn't fight, we were happy to see each other and I felt like we were back together. Not so fast....he had already set up some dates and didn't want to cancel them. I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't wait. It was too hard. So I did what you did and said if you want to see me then you can't see other women. He said he couldn't commit to that yet. So I walked away. Now I look back and I think, if I had exercised more self control over myself, we might be back together now. Of course, we might still be apart too. There's no way to know but I am sure the pressure I put on him didn't help my cause. Oh well....live and learn. We are becoming friends again now and I feel better about us being just friends. It might just be the right thing for us. I feel your pain and I know it is hard to share someone who used to be all yours. It's hard. I hope your situation turns out better than mine did. And don't worry about posting too much here. That's what it's for, so you don't feel alone. Link to comment
Singler Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 thanks Lilly, yeah he told my sis that there was a chance., But it comes down to how I feel and well if I stood there while he is dating others I would be compared to them, so I just decided to move on, if we are meant to be together it will happen. He needs to cool down, I need to have this space to move on so that if we do ever begin to see eachother again there will be no negativity or bad feelings... Lilly did your ex ever tell you why he wanted to see other people? Link to comment
Lonewing Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 thanks Lilly, yeah he told my sis that there was a chance., But it comes down to how I feel and well if I stood there while he is dating others I would be compared to them, so I just decided to move on, if we are meant to be together it will happen. He needs to cool down, I need to have this space to move on so that if we do ever begin to see eachother again there will be no negativity or bad feelings... Lilly did your ex ever tell you why he wanted to see other people? There's a Chance??? Ther'es no such thing as "Chance" when you know what you want!!! Smart girl - moving on! And I know the part about losing GREAT sex. I'm in withdrawls right now. I still don't know how I went 25 years as a virgin... Link to comment
Singler Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 lol.... well with each ex it gets better and better I find..... Well he said he wanted to see me once a week or once every other week to see if we could start again. In my opinion that comes down to him not wanting to commit because he does not know if it will work out the second time around. He always said that there are no promises that we will get back together when we went on our "date" and part of me wonders if he just said he wants to see other people to kind of back that up, but now its too late to harp on it and no point in harping. He is used to his ex wife whom he was with for about 17 years where 6 months everything was fine and then 6 months she was cheating and going crazy.... so I can't blame him. TODAY I feel very angry about the situation and although one day I may wonder if I had taken it very slow with him what the outcome might have been, but again at least I walked away with some pride. If he wants to see others, now he can...I am sure they will be just as concerned with the fact he has 3 kids, limited time for personal life or they may see his mercedes and the fact that his family has money... Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 We had a lot in common and a lot of good times (and great sex) but we bickered a lot, sometimes important things but usually just stupid stuff. I believe he said he was looking for someone where it was an "easier fit" or something like that. We talk now and he realizes that dating is hard and finding the right person is even harder, but he's still looking. I really don't think we will end up back together again but that's ok with me. I would prefer that we were together but even now, just as friends, we continue to argue over ridiculousness. It's some kind of weird competitive thing which we both try to stop but can't. I would be trying to date again myself except that I changed my hair style at the beginning of the summer and I look atrocious!!! Maybe it will grow out by Thanksgiving....boy I hope so. Link to comment
Singler Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 lol...yeah me and my ex argued quite abit...too much for the beginning of a relationship but it was mostly because of his ex, limited time he had to spend with me or comments that he made.... ughhhh...... I just can't wait until I go to sleep every night, and for that one minute in the morning when I wake up....i forget all of lifes problems and it is the best moment of my day! Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 You know it will get better. Time can cure a lot of pain. Right now it feels like the end of the world but in a year you'll probably be like "oh yeah, so-and-so was a good guy but boy I'm glad we're not together anymore". Well we can hope right? We'll all be fine eventually. This was not my first breakup (far from it!) and it won't be my last and I'm still here. You're still here. Just tell yourself that you're fabulous and any guy would be lucky to have you. And remember that it's true! Link to comment
Singler Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 oh I know I am but it's just that the reasons for him breaking up with me were fixable but his ex ruined that idea for him! so.... I am putting aside the mixed signals and the other things he said and concentrating on the "it's over" part.... When I get to 2 weeks NC, I will be so proud of myself.... Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 I felt like my issues with my ex were fixable too. I wanted to go to couples counseling to learn how to "hear" each other better and not get into the bickering thing. But his ex had him go to counseling with her years ago and he said that she and the therapist both ganged up on him and he didn't feel like doing that again. I don't blame him but that wasn't what I was going to do. Yeah, so his ex kind of messed things up for me. I wish you good luck with the NC. You sound strong in your last post. Link to comment
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