My wife loves me, but doesn't desire me

[OreEle]

I know that quite a few people have posted similar issues on here, as I have read through many of them and that is what drew me here, but I just wanted to start anew with my issue.

 

My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years (in november) and married for 2 1/2 of those. Over the last two months we've been going over some speed bumps, I'll just give the back story.

 

 

My wife and I married young (20 and 19 respectfully), as we were "highschool sweethearts" (okay, only for senoir year, but it still counts, right?), and while she did have several boyfriends before me (and she has always been upset that she lost her virginity to someone else), she was my first real girlfriend (I dated others, but I never asked them out, they asked me, she was the first that I actually took the effort to go get).

 

My wife has a license as a nail technician and worked in that field for the last 3 years. When the day spa that she worked at closed down, she got a job at a call center. Now, working at the day spa, she interacted with almost 100% women (very few men as customers, and no male coworkers), but at the call center, most of her coworkers are men.

 

The speed bumps began because my wife is naturally very flirty (a trait that I've always been excited of) and so a lot of the other guys that are co-workers (many of whom are our age 18-24 range) began to flirt back. She told me the she loves the attention of "being back in highschool with the boys swooning over her."

 

about a month ago, she told me that one of the guys "gives her butterflys" and that I don't give those to her anymore. We excepted the feelings and I believed that it was okay because that other guy may have the butterflys in her stomach, but I'd always have her heart.

 

Needless to say, about 3 weeks ago, she slipped up at a bar with him (I wasn't there) and they slept with each other. She told shortly after and we had a rather long heart to heart moment. I forgave her, and would again is she slipped up again because I don't know if I would have the strength to resist if I was in her shoes. I'd like to say that I could, but I don't really know.

 

Either way, the guy made it worse by ignoring her completely afterwards. As in completely 100% would not talk to her at work, pick up his phone or anything. he basically acted like a "player" and once he got what he wanted, he had no interest.

 

 

The underlying cause for all this has just come out a few nights ago, in that my wife no longer finds me sexually attractive. As she puts it, I'm her best friend and the person that she wants to spend the rest of her life with, but she is just so comfortible with me, that nothing is new or exciting.

 

We're trying to find things we can do to re-spark that attraction, we got out often, to movies, to the rollerrick, to dinner, to arcades, even to the drive-in a few times a month. But I just can't seem to get back into the "lover" roll.

 

 

I've gotten some advice from friends, such as

 

1) don't sleep nude, if she always sees you naked, that can kill the "sexiness" of your body

2) when going out to a bar take off your wedding ring and pretend to be single and flirt with other girls (my wife said she was fine with that, but I feel naked without my ring)

3)and of course, marriage counciling.

 

I was just hoping that maybe some people here would have some ideas before taking it to the counciling step.

 

 

Thank you all

[Maroney555]

I found the following wrong:

 

The way she cheated on you with a co-worker and how non-chalant you were makes me think she will easily do it again...especially when she is gloating to you about how another man gives her the butterflies that you don't. Also, the fact that she is OK with you TAKING OFF YOUR WEDDING RING and flirting with girls is NOT appropriate within a marriage. I don't know how you would last more than a week with that mentality.

 

And, on a final note, I think my man is sexy as hell naked and I love to sleep with him in the nude! It's amazing! Every day I wake up and get butterflies when he smiles at me in the morning. I always can't wait until he gets home and I think about him when we are away.

 

I think marriage counseling IS the only way to salvage your marriage...that is if you BOTH want to. She seems like she wants to live her young life the way she never got to.

[loulee]

I cannot believe that you are taking the responsibility of this on your shoulders ..your wife betrayed you and probably still would be if this guy wanted sex again..its just that he used her. If she wasnt going to work everyday deliberately encouraging and enjoying the attentions of other men then perhaps she would be taking her marriage more seriously..You sound incredibly submissive and Niave and a complete walk over. When you dont respect yourself often your partner will lose respect also.your wife knows with clarity she can walk ALL OVER YOU and not only that she can BLAME you and make YOU feel responsible for her lack of desire..SHE clearly has very low self esteem and it compromises her values.

. She told me the she loves the attention of "being back in highschool with the boys swooning over her."

While ever this continues Do not expect her desire to come back for you she is getting her fill at work..

I forgave her, and would again is she slipped up again because I don't know if I would have the strength to resist if I was in her shoes. I'd like to say that I could, but I don't really know.

And while ever you continue to have such little regard for yourself. no self respect and do not value yourself and basically allow more infidelities within your marriage do not expect you to be the only one in it..You have basically said it is okay if your wife desires another man and sleeps with him because you will forgive her!! She knows this clearly.. Your best chance of making your wife want you any time soon is to leave her.....make her live without a safe base to come home to. make her live this single attitude life she currently craves,...otherwise continue to compete with the whole male work team.. I dont like your chances,,not one bit...this is a very unhealthy marriage riddled with problems both hers and yours...it lacks respect,consideration..value..trust. commitment..maturity...huge changes are needed here from both of you.. I suggest counselling for some professional input to help you both, a whole new approach and set of values need to be introduced ASAP..

[buzz]

First, I think her cheating is not forgivable. I personally am having sex related problems with my wife and recently I have been in situations out drinking with friends where another woman was wanting to get me in the sack and I resisted because I knew if I ever did that, my marriage would be over. I guess I know that if I do that to my spouse, I am ending the relationship.

 

If she could do that to you, even drunk, she was surely thinking she could do without you. Even when we are drunk we know right from wrong, it just makes it easier to make the wrong decision and then we fall back on being drunk as an excuse later.

 

Not only do you risk her doing this to you again, but you will find that over the years, you won't ever be capable of completely forgiving her and it will come up again and again in fights.

 

Don't even think about the other problems, she has ended this for you. I know you love her but as painful as leaving will be, you will be better off in the long run.