Alcoholic relapse - I feel so helpless

[richie_nut]

My wonderful Mum, after 13 years of being sober, has turned to the drink again. I was ten when she stopped and never thought I'd have to deal with this again. My dad has just rung and told me, I'm absolutely devestated. Last time her drinking nearly destroyed our family, Mum and Dad nearly split up and my sister and I still have awful memories of that period in our lives - she would go from teary and upset to violent and angry just like that.

 

Only me, Dad, her sister and her mother (my grandmother) know. I have to keep it a secret from my sister who has just moved to Ireland on an overseas working holiday until January. It's so hard though. My younger brother is 13 and has aspergers syndrome, I don't know why she would put him through what we went through as kids. She's such a great mum and person all round, it's absolutely shattered my world that she would do this again.

 

Does anyone have any experience of alcoholics relapsing? She's been so strong and amazing, I feel sorry for her but so angry at the same time. I love her to bits...what am I going to do? I desperately want to go home (I live an hour flight away) but Dad's adament it would do no good at this stage, as she doesn't want me knowing what's going on. So confused.

[MT1981]

my ex was (is probably still) an alcoholic. I can only sympathise with what you are going through right now. She stopped for a year or 2 after her drink drivng crash - she was supposed to go to jail, but she was lucky. Then she started drinking again. It only got worse and worse, and put a lot of strain on the relationship. It became mentally and physically exhausting......to the point where my work suffered, and my own life was going down the drain.

 

I feel for you - i really do, but there is nothing that you or your family can do, as it is ultimately your mother's choice to stop drinking and focus on important things like family.

 

Her current association is that drinking = pleasure. There are a number of ways she can break the pattern. She could try hypnotherapy, or even go to the psychologist - im assuming her drinking started due to some incident? There is a pill that you can get her to take (if she is willing to), that will make her throw up as soon as she has one drink.......this would then cement in her brain the idea that drinking = pain, instead of drinking = pleasure.

 

hope this helps

[Mutley]

The only thing you can do is protect yourself emotionally and financially and do not enable her in anyway. Don't cover up her bad behavior....she needs to experience all the consequences of her choices.

 

Now your 13 year old brother is the biggest problem I see here. I'll defer to others who may have some experience/insight on this.

 

My mother would sober up for a year or two then, of course, relapse.

 

She paid the ultimate consequence. The smoking and drinking finally killed her.

 

I know how you feel. It's one the worst things when a loved one starts using again.

 

I recommend the book "Drunks, Drugs and Debits" by Doug Thorburn.

[richie_nut]

Thanks guys Nearly 24 hours later I'm feeling a little better...have spoken to Dad and my aunty several times which is reassuring. Apparently they're taking her to a doctor today so fingers crossed all went well, should hear soon.

 

My biggest concern is if she wants to actually stop. Dad says she does but I don't know, I still have far too many vivid memories of her when she was drunk and it wasn't pretty. I want to hear it from her but at this stage, according to her, I don't know about it. I'm definitely not going to enable her and will support her through this, she is a very strong person. I just don't want my brother going through what I did, I love him to bits and would die to protect him from the turmoil that comes with this horrible addiction.

 

Thanks again, even letting it out here helps quite a bit

[hers]

Have you ever heard of Al-Anon? It's for families and friends of alcoholics. It will help you deal with your mom's drinking. It's a great program. It's helped me get through dealing with my mom's alcoholism.

[onthebound]

i agree with MT that it is your mother's choice to drink or not. no one can be helped who doesn't want the help. in my opinion, the best you can do is be there for her, but at a safe distance as your dad has suggested.

 

also, make sure you're available to your brother as often as possible. my younger brother has asperger's syndrome as well. i don't know how much you know about it, but i can almost guarantee you he will be the most affected by your mother. aspie kids are very sensative and can very easily become detached and miserable if they are in an uncomfortable or unsafe environment. just make sure your bother knows that you care about him and he can call you at any time if he needs to. he probably won't, but the knowledge that you're there for him may be comforting.

 

good luck. i hope things get better for you and your family.

[richie_nut]

Great news - Mum went to an AA meeting last night with my aunty. I talked to her before she went and she really wants to get through this again, so there's definitely some light at the end of the tunnel as my biggest worry was that she didn't care. My aunty's just emailed me and said she was really brave and shared her story with everyone. It'll be baby steps again but this is a huge thing for her!

 

onthebound, thanks for the comments re my brother. He's an angel and yes, very sensitive. He definitely knows when something is up and he now has a cellphone so texts me all the time. I'll probably bring him up here in the next school holidays so Mum and Dad can have some time to themselves.

 

Things are looking on the up - long may it continue!

[Car Chick]

I am so sorry to hear about your trouble. I am a recovering drug addict myself, 6 years sober, so I understand how she feels. At the same time, my dad acts like that even without alcahol and I too have had some good times with him only to see things fall apart again later.

 

The best advice I can offer is to tell your mom that you love her but don't hide your worries about her drinking. Remind her that AA says you are always welcome back. Let her know that you are there for her to support her.

 

That advice is of course if your mom knows that you know about her drinking. Right now, I guess she doesn't yet. So at this point, you really can't do anything. You can pray if you are a religious person. That's always what I do when I feel out of control of a situation. unfortunately, your mom is an adult and has to make her own decisions. You can't fix her and you can't let your pain control your life. When my parents seperated, I took on so much of my mothers pain that I couldn't bare it any longer. I plumetted into depression and almost lost my sobriety because of it. Don't let her problems cause you to lose your footing in your life. If you are feeling too emotionally attached to the situation, (this is what my therapist told me to do) ask your dad not to talk to you about it. Tell him that you just can't handle the pain of what's happening.

 

Best of luck to you and your family. I hope things get sorted out.

[Car Chick]

I am very happy to hear that she went to an AA meeting. Congrats to her and your family.