Proving commitment

[dcook88]

This is my first post as I don't know where to go for advice on this. I look forward to advice.

 

I am 21 and have been in an almost two year relationship with my 21 yr old girlfriend. We often talk about engagement/marriage and it is clear that she is ready to take that step. I however don't feel ready yet. My lack of financial stability or lack of confidence in marriage in general and other factors combine to make me uncomfortable with it right now. I want to marry her, but I'm not ready yet.

 

She doesn't necessarily understand why I am not ready and thinks that it has more to do with a lack of commitment and faith in our relationship. I try to assure her otherwise, but have not succeeded in lifting her spirits.

 

I want to show her that I am committed to her using more than just words, as words only seem to postpone the next time the issue will arise again. What actions or gestures can I make to show that engagement is in our future. I need to prove to her that she is not making a life-wasting decision by staying with me and waiting for my readiness.

 

Thank You,

 

D

[JusticeLaw9]

At least you're being honest with her about this situation; you understand where you stand at right now and know in your heart that you just aren't ready to get married just yet. Unfortunately, she's not quite processing the reality of that and just jumping the gun about this whole thing.

 

Not to be harsh, but she's going to have come back to earth to you on the whole topic of marriage. At 21 (and forgive me for making assumptions) you guys are just getting started and probably still in the nest yourselves at home, it's not just "cut and dry' like that as she might be thinking.

 

If I were you, I'd try to get her into a "sit-in" on a marriage counseling class so she can hear a few stories and even ask some questions about it if she has any.

[BellaDonna]

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

I want to show her that I am committed to her using more than just words, as words only seem to postpone the next time the issue will arise again. What actions or gestures can I make to show that engagement is in our future

 

If you arecertain that you want to marry her someday,what about giving her a "promise ring" or charm, or something of that sort? It's doesn't have to be expensive, just symbolic.

[Kumatora]

dcook88, you're not alone! I am on the same boat too. My SO and I are in our mid 20's and don't have the money to support a marriage yet... and we've been dating for 4 years!

 

Work on getting a college/trade school education and get financially settled. Financial instability is the number one reason why many marriages will fail. A promise ring is an idea... personally I'm not for it since it's very high schoolish for 21 years olds to give them. If you're gonna propose, then do it. If not, then wait until it's the right time.

 

Your girlfriend needs to be patient and realistic about the whole situation before you step in and make the biggest decision of your life. You guys are too young to be worrying about marriage. If she is unable to wait and be more understanding then she really isn't the one. You shouldn't have to feel you have to prove to her about committing unless you got a stable job and lifestyle. Tell her that and continue to be honest.

[atelis]

If she is ready, i really don't think she will wait for you to become ready..........her fears will simply start to overwhelm her and it will probably make her shut down and lose feeling for you. It's a tough situation, but unfortunately, you see it so often. If you really don't want to lose this girl, then i don't think you will have any other option otherethan to marry her very soon.........someone who wants marriage won't settle for gestures and promises as a way to prove your commitment, they want the real thing. You need to decide what you want and if that isn't marriage, i think it's best to tell her and then suggest a break-up if it's not what she wants.

[Kumatora]

If she is ready, i really don't think she will wait for you to become ready..........her fears will simply start to overwhelm her and it will probably make her shut down and lose feeling for you. It's a tough situation, but unfortunately, you see it so often. If you really don't want to lose this girl, then i don't think you will have any other option otherethan to marry her very soon...

Complete rubbish.

 

Please don't even suggest that the OP rushes in a marriage or an engagement without being financially prepared. That's dangerous. It's one thing if a man does not want to commit and is having fun being a bachelor... but it's another when a man is not financially and emotionally ready, which is the OP's case.

 

If she can't wait, then she can leave. She is pushing it on the OP when they are both young and haven't been in the relationship for that long. That's not fair to him that she creates those ultimatums to get him to prove his commitment. That's called manipulation.

 

I really don't see the rush in getting married in this post other than the girlfriend acting like a spoiled princess by demanding it and asking him to prove his love and commitment when he is not in the position to. To me, that is extremely childish, selfish, and incredibly immature. I've been through this stage before and honestly... I'm glad I didn't rush getting married after seeing how some young couples are struggling financially (particularly with this economy)! Entering a marriage without being prepared or a backup plan in case things fall apart is being stupid.

 

Bottom line: the girlfriend needs to be less selfish and grow up, or get out. But I tell you... many men fear marriage commitment which isn't the case with the OP. The OP should focus on finishing school, finding a STABLE career and settle before making wedding plans. At 21, you guys have your lives ahead of you. This isn't about the OP not being able to commit: this is about him managing his priorities the smart way before making the biggest decision of his life.

[atelis]

well that's all well and good telling the girlfriend that she's selfish and that she can wait, but quite clearly, she won't wait.........so the OP has one of two options, take the risk of waiting and her getting impatient and leaving or biting the bullet and marrying her and that's the point i made.

 

One thing that worried me about the OP's post was that he said he had a lack of confidence in marriage.........this suggests to me that his fear is more than just one of not being financially ready.

[Kumatora]

the OP has one of two options, take the risk of waiting and her getting impatient and leaving or biting the bullet and marrying her and that's the point i made.

The OP shouldn't have to feel he's "biting the bullet" to propose. He should get married when he feels he is ready. A marriage is a mutual agreement between two people if I'm not mistaken. It takes two to tango.

 

One thing that worried me about the OP's post was that he said he had a lack of confidence in marriage.........this suggests to me that his fear is more than just one of not being financially ready.

If he's having confidence AND money issues, he's clearly not ready for marriage. Keep in mind that he is also 21; a lot of young men at that age do NOT want to be thinking about marriage. You're right that it's a confidence issue, but it's also an age factor and money issue. Both of them are on two different pages, but money is a concern.

 

They need to talk this one out and decide if it's worth the wait. But rushing into a marriage just to keep somebody around is not the answer to this problem.