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Is this fair? He talks to his ex but i cant even talk to a male friend?


silvercross

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Im not sure if this is a problem or if im just reading into it too much... possibly am...

 

My bf and i both use facebook. On his facebook he has one of his ex's. they dated a few years ago...

 

Over the past week and a bit she has been posting a hell of a lot on his wall and responding to comments. He, instead of 'commenting' on them, obviously replies to her wall, which i cant see, but she replies to his wall...and so on.

 

Some of the things they will say back and forth seem kind of 'flirty'... but since its facebook and typing, i cant be sure...i might just be reading it wrong!....

 

He recently posted about some major news he got. He announced it to his facebook - to which she has commented on many times, and he's responded... in a jokey/flirty way.... kinda....he has not actually told me this news. i read it on facebook ..

 

 

Now, before you start to say im jealous. im not. its weird sure.. but this is what gets to me...

 

I added a male friend to my facebook. I got questioned about who he was for 30 minutes.

 

We were going to watch a movie (my bf and I) and i commented that i had already seen it... to which he asked when and who with. I saw the movie on a one -off date a year ago.. Once again i got questioned. who he was, what did he do, how old he was. I met him ocne for a few hours!!

 

On the weekend we are going out with his friends for a meal and he invited this ex along, or at least mentiond it to her and she tried to come but couldn't cos there was no room....what the?!

 

It seems like its one set of rules for him and another for me. Is it fair that he can add who ever he wants to facebook - 99% are girls - and i add a guy to mine and he flips out?? I have a few men on mine - they are all former colleggues wher ei used to work and are like 10 years older at least. For every one of them he has asked me if i wanted to f**k them...

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well you may be reading into it too much but you also may not be. if he has a different set of rules for you he could be cheating on you.. or maybe he doesn't want you to talk to guys like he talks to girls. and it sounds to me like he doesn't trust you. is there a reason he shouldn't? cuz if not he may be not trusting you cuz of something he has done.

 

and no, what he's doing is not fair.

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Thanks.

 

There is no reason for him not to trust me. we've been together for 6 months... im not the partying/drinking kind of girl... so he doesn't need tobe worried if im out in a club or anything... im quite and shy..

 

I understand if he doesn't like me talking to some random guy or something, but if i say he's a friend, leave it be. coz when he says some one is a friend i dont question him about her.

 

its annoying how he brings up and questions me over an ex of a year ago or a guy i went on one or two dates with..its like who cares! and no matter what i say he doesn't believe me....

 

i believe he was cheated on by a previous girlfriend. dont know what happened tho....i dont think he is the cheating type.

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hmm.. well i guess then he's afraid of you cheating on him. and is just a very jealous and suspicious person. this is how my boyfriend of a year and 7 months is. he's the perfect guy: super hott, smart, outgoing, funny, etc. and then i found out he wasn't so perfect. i didn't think he'd cheat on me either. but he did. we're still together though. yay us.

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This guy sounds like a game-player. He's not going to be fun to deal with, even if he doesn't actually cheat.

 

If you're not able to assert yourself, if you're unable to stand your ground when he attempts to give you the third degree about who's on your facebook friends list you are going to have an increasingly difficult time. By "stand your ground" I mean: you knew your facebook contacts were harmless, so a brief exchange should have sufficed (e.g. "Who's that?" "Just a friend from work" "Really, he's just a friend?" "Yes, really he's just a friend."). Any attempt by him to blow it out of proportion should have been shut down immediately, even if you had to get a bit harsh with him. 30 minutes of grilling is completely inappropriate even without his hypocrisy in the mix.

 

You're having to check in here, with strangers, to confirm what you ought to know instinctively. And I think you do know it instinctively. So why aren't you responding instinctively to his games? Life with a game-player can be frustrating, insulting, and emotionally unsatisfying at times because they're so often trying to manipulate or even control you, but if you're determined to stick it out with him you're going to have to summon your gumption and start calling 'em as you see 'em, in real time. Trust your own sense of right and wrong. For example: he invited his ex to a social outing without checking with you first to see if you'd be comfortable? Completely inconsiderate. I've dated game-players ... it's not easy. Their motives are often silly and ultimately harmless but their means of achieving their goals can be hurtful.

 

I'm not saying that you should be trying to control him. His facebook exchanges with his ex tread the line between appropriate and inappropriate -- and that might be exactly why he does it. So if you want to deal with his nonsense (and upon reflection you might decide that you don't!) you've got to be able to identify where the line is, and tell him calmly and firmly that he's a free person but if he wants to be with you he needs to act like it by taking your needs into consideration. And by not trying to control you!

 

Gotta say, this one doesn't sound good to me.

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Facebook destroys relationships. link removed

 

Interesting finding, but it sounds like Facebook simply fans the flames higher, giving people who are prone to jealousy a thing to focus on. People who aren't prone to suspicion, etc. won't give it a second thought. And it seems pretty clear in this case that it's not Facebook itself that is the problem, but the hypocritically controlling boyfriend who has no problem being inconsiderate of his girlfriend when it comes to how he conducts himself with women, but jumps all over her for saying hello to a male coworker.

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I don't think you are being insecure/jealous at all.

 

Flirty messages between an ex is a HUGE dealbreaker. That's downright disrespectful to you and your relationship with him. No good comes from these things. They have no place in a healthy relationship.

 

Tell him he's being hypocritical because of his constant communication and flirty messages to his ex. And if he's unwilling to stop chatting with his ex for you, then you know where his priorities lie.

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I don't think you are being insecure/jealous at all.

 

Flirty messages between an ex is a HUGE dealbreaker. That's downright disrespectful to you and your relationship with him. No good comes from these things. They have no place in a healthy relationship.

 

Tell him he's being hypocritical because of his constant communication and flirty messages to his ex. And if he's unwilling to stop chatting with his ex for you, then you know where his priorities lie.

 

thank you.

 

the messages are on facebook so he knows i can see them... but i have a feeling he comments on her wall instead of just replying to her comment she made on his, so i cant see what he writes. i think thats done on purpose. When people post to my wall, i reply with a comment...he can read it...

 

We were together and about 2-3 montsh into it he then adds his ex to facebook. they dated over 2 years ago..or more... he also has her mother on his facebook.

 

i haven't had a problem with it, just recently there seem tobe more messages on his wall from her and him trying ot get her to come to dinner.... on facebook it shows 'so and so commented on so & so's status/wall'.... its clear he writes on her wall for her to keep responding to his, but he removed all these little comments to show where and who he's commenting/posting to.

 

While that isn't a problem in itself, i think when i get question and accused too of wanting to sleep with some guy i add to my facebook, even when i say he is a friend, i still get accused of wanting somethign with him.

 

for example say if i have 100 people on my facebook. 95 are females. 5 are men - some are family friends, one is a friend and the rst are work collegues.

 

If he has 100 friends on his. 95 are female. 5 are guys.

 

its one way for him. a different for me. he was cheated on previously, and has once said cheating is a big no no.......

 

he also once said that its 'different' because im a girl and i shouldn't have male friends or something liek that coz he knows what men are like. and they dont want to just be friends with me, they want to sleep with me.

 

if thats the case, does he want to f**k all his female friends!

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He seems very immature. I've been cheated on before, I never entertain the thought of cheating on someone I'm seeing, so perhaps he would not cheat on you, I would not know.

 

I would give him an ultimatum, her or you. If he gets defensive, then that's very questionable. I did that to my cheating ex, and he was very wishy washy and making up stupid excuses why he should continue his "friendship" with his ex (I later found out they were sleeping together the entire time we were dating), when really the correct course of action would be the cease contact.

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Why Do Guys Stay in Touch With Ex-g...
Why Do Guys Stay in Touch With Ex-girlfriends?

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