i'm not sure whether i can trust him or not - or whether i should

[toflyforreal]

hey, all

 

so i have what seems to be a complicated situation that's been keeping me up at nights, which is why i suppose i have come to post on this forum.

 

basically, i have recently gotten involved with a friend of mine (i know, i know) who i've been into forever - and he recently confessed his feelings for me too. i thought from there on out everything would be fine, but it turns out he's completely holding back from me and now i feel led on like i don't know what to do.

 

to clarify - we have spent time together, become physical and intimate. it's been about a month and a half since he said things about "having feelings" for me, and wanting to take it slow. the only problem, i'm now realizing, is since he made those admissions, i've been the one steamrolling ahead into the relationship while he's been more or less hanging back. it almost feels like i'm "forcing" him to hang out sometimes.. he won't be around for a few days, and then when he finally is, he's like "oh yeah, i'm really tired, but maybe let's hang out for a few." then he's always ready to like, kick me out, or leave my room.

 

meanwhile, i'm ready for a different level of trust and commitment. i would like to stay over, or him to stay over (NOT even just for sexual purposes, just to be comfy, you know.) the thing is he wants to be in a casual relationship and i don't know if i'm ready to be exclusive either - but what i DO expect is for him to actually talk to me. for instance he went away at the beginning of this month and i haven't heard from him since - except for him texting me back once.

 

i've told him a few times to "call me whenever", and he doesn't.

 

i called him today and left a voicemail and no word.

 

so its' all beginning to make me a little crazy. i can forget about it for periods of hours at a time, but when it catches up, and he still hasn't called, etc. i get kinda annoyed. this led me earlier today to check out his facebook and myspace, where i find out that yes, he is en communicado with other girls. this is SUPPOSED to be fine since technically we're not exclusive right now, but i'm realizing that i can't handle it. i think i COULD if he actually talked to me, but because he isn't, and is in communication with these other girls, can i really be blamed for being pissed?!

 

background: i fell for him years ago, we got briefly intimate then he rejected me. i shelved my feelings, found that it worked pretty well until HE invited me over and HE brought it up again. this whole situation is really sh*tty and i feel i deserve better.

if anyone has any advice or words, i'd really appreciate them.

[looscroo]

I would advise to refrain from physical intimacy unless and until he is ready to become exclusive. The fact that you were already intimate before and he rejected you might indicate he doesn't want a relationship but a friend with benefits. If that's the case it is possible when he realized you wanted more, he bolted. How good of a friend is this guy? In your friendship, have you seen him date other women, and if so how does he treat them?

[toflyforreal]

okay good questions.

this is more of why everything is messing with my head.

 

we were, what i GUESS you could call, pretty good friends. meaning that we'd arrange to see eachother, we had a good time hanging out, and he would SOMETIMES talk to me about his feelings, which seems about the most you can ask for from most guy friends ha.

 

the thing that was always shady is he would almost never talk to me about girls he was into, or getting into relationships with.. he always kept them on the DL from almost everyone, including me, and hasn't been in a committed relationship in several YEARS. (since high school i think, and we are about to be seniors in college.) the way he's treated them, is thus very much a mystery to me, but i know he has not been in a traditional relationship with any of them and it has always been casual, he's too afraid to take the next step, or something.

 

sometimes i feel like he's all talk. in the past he's said things to me like i'm his best friend at school, or that he loves me and never wants to see me hurting. actually come to think of it, most of these were either Texts or IMs... but they were things he's said. maybe it was just in a friend context, its hard to say what the difference is sometimes.

but the "all talk" thing comes into play AGAIN - as part of his admission of his feelings involved him saying that he's used to bottling up his emotions, but doesn't want to anymore. but then the next time we talked about it, its like his guard was up again, and he was all, "lets' be casual, these things don't always work out." Like, basically putting on the brakes before things even got started.

 

so at this point, all i can do is nothing basically. called him, and its' not my issue that he didn't answer and hasn't called back. i guess i just feel like this is no way to be treated, and all of a sudden i'm not sure if its' possible for him to treat me well, based on his past shady ways with girls and his assertion that we "be casual".

its' like, i don't know what to tell him really??

except that i feel i am worth more than this.

[toflyforreal]

ALSO-->

we have not had sex. and he had never brought it up except to say that he didn't have a condom (to which i say okay.. presuming much anyway?)

so i don't know what to think.

i know i will not take this step with him until i can trust him, which i can't right now.

i need to know his heart before i can proceed with this.

[waveseer]

You can tell what's in his heart by his lack of actions and words.

[toflyforreal]

but this is pretty much how he is - usually doesn't initiate contact with ANYONE without their prodding, even among our friends. we are among the same circle of mutual friends at school. he is very headstrong and individual and you could easily say, selfish and self-contained, in that way.

 

i will admit that his lack of actions and words say a lot right now.

[waveseer]

Maybe his style of (non)communication isn't compatible with yours.

[toflyforreal]

this is true - but i wonder, if we talked about things, that he may not fix it? i know it wouldn't hurt to try, and i'm not afraid to tell him what i think or feel.

 

i mean, i guess i WAS, but as the days go by and the calls do not come, i wonder what he thinks we are doing.

 

i really AM just annoyed that he is treating me like this, and seems to think its 'fine' because we're being casual. it WOULD be fine, but we were friends first and now he is as flaky as ever (only its less tolerable because we've been getting involved.)

 

its just weird - we had a "what are we doing right now" talk and he said, "i think we are casually dating". we discussed what this meant and it means Open, which is fine, but i said specifically, "you STILL need to call me." i feel this isn't strange at all, i'm down for having fun and seeing other people, but not if i'm not a priority at all. i guess i must have been looking at him strangely because he said, "what, you want a relationship?" and i told him "no just kiss me." because that's what i wanted at the time, but jeez! does it require that i agree to "be in a relationship" with him in order to get treated like a decent human being??

[waveseer]

My experience tells me that it wouldn't matter what you called your relationship, he would only be contacting you regularly out of obligation. I made the mistake once of suggesting a frequency of contact, never again. If the man wants to communicate with me, he will. If he can't then we wouldn't have much of a relationship anyway and if he won't then there aren't even two to tango.

[toflyforreal]

this seems very wise, waveseer.

 

i just wonder how i'm supposed to deal with the fact that, when he is with me, he is very attentive and touchy and nice? just always super-stressed out right beneath the surface, though he doesn't acknowledge it.

 

i guess i should realize i can't change him. it's too bad though, what with his (admittedly drug-related) confession toward me of "how he feels". it was actually the second confession, the first one being a couple months before in which he basically asked me on a date, got my (kinda shocked, but nonetheless) approval, one night and never followed up.

 

sigh. i guess i have to tell him that i can't deal with it. do you think its something that could potentially be worked out though?

 

i don't have much experience with "real" relationships, only flings. and this guy has been in my heart in some way or another since the day we met, definitely up in the top 3 or 4 at all times if that makes sense.

[waveseer]

I would let him know that you are up for trying a "real" relationship. Also that you expect him to show he's interested, otherwise it's difficult not to assume he isn't. I guess it wouldn't hurt for you to spell out for him what he could do to show you he is interested and maybe even about how often you need a "positive interest" sign in order stay interested yourself. But then you must leave it up to him without expecting anything.

[looscroo]

I think if you want a real relationship you should look elsewhere. If you want a fling, you may be in the right place. Just the way it sounds to me, though. You can try being honest with him and tell him what you want, just make sure you do it in person so you can gauge his reaction. If he's not willing, don't settle for less. Honestly, from what you've stated, it doesn't sound like it would be worth it to even have him as a friend. Just my thoughts, though, as i've kept around a lot of people that I should have cut loose long before I did.

[arcadefire]

This guy is not looking for anything serious with you. It shows with his lack of calling and texting, etc. Why invest your heart in a man who can't give his?

[toflyforreal]

thank you for all the replies.

 

several days have passed since i called him (he's on a family vaca), w/no response, and now i am in a zen-like state of just letting it be.

 

however, arcadefire what you said is a bit of a simplification because he made a confession to me that involved wishes for him to open up emotionally in response to the strong feelings he has for me, that he finds this really hard and hasn't done it in a long time, etc. that i truly believe.

 

it's his actions that are proving less than satisfactory. its' like he closed up since then, and i proceeded to accepte less-than-satisfactory "wooing" type of behavior from him.

 

i won't know anything until he contacts me again. i have a very eloquent e-mail in my drafts box that i'm absolutely not sending him. i'm considering deleting his number out of my phone. i don't need to deal with his *($#), absolutely, and i will tell him as much next time i talk to him. it's either completely over, or he tries at ALL.

[savignon]

You've got the right idea in laying it all out and seeing what he says. While it may be true that he's shy or insecure or really likes you but doesn't know how to express it..... it's all of little consequence when you don't feel it and need more.

[loulee]

this whole situation is really sh*tty and i feel i deserve better.

I could not have put this better myself..You have answered your own question here.. now you just have to start really really believing it...Why..because you do(deserve better)...let this one go..he is not yours to start with. he is unreliable, not interested. selfish ..lazy..lousy communicator...no he is not worth your efforts...it should never be this hard, and never so soon...go get a real boyfriend and feel the difference..