How would you try to win her back?

[lfshadow]

A Question for the Guys:

If you were in an long term committed relationship (or married) and you did something really stupid, like sneeking around to see another woman, and your partner caught you and she was very upset, angry and hurt by what you did, what would you do to try to win her back?

[The Morrigan]

Ok, I'm female lol, but I can tell you what DOES NOT work...

 

Do NOT try and make any reason, excuse, explanation, or justification for what you did. Frankly, in that position, we don't want to hear it. Far better to go with short and simple for that part, ie "I was a bloody idiot and I know I've hurt you and damaged the trust in our relationship by my thoughtlessness, maybe permanently." Male or female, it takes more of a man or woman to simply accept responsibility for being foolish than to try to give explanations the other party is in no emotional condition to hear - and will probably only arouse an even larger degree of anger because they'll see it as an evasion and trying to avoid taking blame.

 

Forget the flowery words and speeches - a heartfelt apology and stated willingness to do whatever it takes, counseling, therapy, lie detectors, anything, is far preferable - but, BIG but, don't give it lip service, be completely prepared to follow through on anything you get taken up on, without reservation. "I know I don't really deserve a chance myself, and it probably doesn't help much now, but I love you, and if there's anything I can do to make amends and try and salvage what we had, please let me know and I'll do my best, because I don't want to lose you."

 

And last but not least, be prepared to listen to a LOT of venom, accept it, do NOT try to defend yourself. Yes, it goes against the grain, but your partner is in the position of lashing out like a wounded animal, responding to deep emotional pain - and arguing is only going to make it worse. He/she might be anything from hysterically tearful to throwing miscellaneous objects at your head - if the first, odds are you're the LAST person they want to try to touch them, if the second, dodge, pray nothing valuable gets broken, and beat a quick retreat. Tell her/him you're going to give them a bit of time and space to think about if anything you've said is something they'd consider, let you know if they want to talk about it, you'll be ready whenever they are, and apologize quickly - and leave them in peace for a while to mourn and be thoroughly pissed off. "I realize you don't want to talk to me about this now, and I don't blame you a bit - but if or when you're ready, I'll be here. I know it does nothing to help the situation, but I'm very sorry for what I did, because you're the last person I'd have wanted to hurt, and I know I did just that."

 

Even after you start talking - the main thing is to avoid confrontation. Be honest - but don't try to evade any responsibility either for actions or for the pain they've caused. No man or woman wants to hear they were partly to blame for someone straying - and realistically, while there may be problems in a relationship, that's certainly not the way to deal with them - and that particular little neuron misfire was all yours. So, you deal. "Yes, I was stupid, selfish, an I'm the lowest bastard on the planet, and you're right, I don't deserve a fair hearing on this." "No, you're right, I didn't have to respond to his/her overtures, it was stupid." "Yes, I'll go to counseling even though you're not sure you want to stay with me, maybe I should go even if you don't, so I don't repeat my mistakes." Responsible and mature and facing consequences is not the same as whipped - and really, accepting consequences maturely is the only way you can get a start on rebuilding something resembling trust.

 

Follow through IMMEDIATELY on anything you say you'll do, and stick to it like glue - actions are all important, while your words may be a long time in having much meaning, actions will speak volumes for you, and you want to prove you can be deserving of a chance to rebuilt trust.

[Sn0man]

The ONLY way to win a girl back is to NOT TRY to win her back.

 

Thats it.

[lfshadow]

If he screws up big and then just ignores her and expects HER to go after HIM when she is howling mad for what he did, I think he will be very lonely waiting for that to happen, unless she has absolutely NO selfrespect. And he obviously has no respect for her if he does this.

[woopsydaisy]

I suppose the man should just admit it he srewed up big time, and try and make no excuses.In an ideal world he shlould beg for forgiveness.But sometimes a man may not think initially this is a good idea as his partner is going to be (rightfully so ) full of hatred.He may let the woman cool off a bit if she can or is willing....and then beg for forgiveness.I think the real question is should a woman forgive the man?