Boyfriend's new friend is a prettier girl than I.....

[TrueHeart]

My boyfriend of 2 years isn't what you would call a popular guy. He doesn't have hardly any friends, and the ones he does are all guys. He's simple, practically poor-- but perfect. I care for him deeply..

 

Recently, we've both met an aquaintance that we've known out at one of the Renaissance festivals we all participate in. There were problems in our relationship, and yet he's never truly expressed the desire to want to date other people.... When he found out that this "aquaintance" (referred to as 'Jessica') liked him or was interested in becoming friends, he changed his tune...

 

At Faire, we decided to be "just friends"-- and make things very casual, but still be together outside of the Faire scene. Upon discovering his new found "crush" on this 'Jessica'-- they've become quite the chums. Each weekend, he would make a point to hang out with her while we're at Faire, and even making it evident to me that he thinks shes hot, nice to talk to, etc.

 

I decided not to be the 1-sided jealous girlfriend, and get to know her. Soon, "Jessica" and I became better friends and I was learning about her more and more. She is a nice girl, very friendly, extremely feminist. She is COMPLETELY out of my boyfriends league.... Physically and mentally.

 

He is convinced that he is her confidant because she has had so many "bad" experiences both in relationships and sexually. He is 33 and she is 20-- I being 23. He believe that his "experience" will help remedy some of her phobias and bad experiences with life and sex.

 

Meanwhile, she thinks we're "just friends" like everyone else does... Thsi goes against everything I ever believed and loved-- and it hurt me toknow that he was openly lusting over another woman. I tried confronting him on it, but all it turned into were cruel accusations that he thought I was cheating on him, and that I was just being jealous.... now its turned into "its none of your business"--- We all 3 tried hanging out together, but he becomes the 3rd wheel as us gals just "girl talk"--

 

I have made an evaluation of the situation, and confronted my boyfriend about the matter..... He told me before Faire that no matter what happened, he wasn't out to replace me or get another girlfriend or break up with me.... Long story short, I recently moved out of our apartment temporarily in admittance that we need space... However, have been told that scorning the friendship between them will only push him away from me. Lately, she's been MIA since she has finals-- and now he's all of a sudden interested in massages.

 

She has confronted me on the issue as she "suspected" that there were feelings between he and I. She told me that she wouldnt do anything with him for fear that she'd lose my friendship over it.... and that she doesn't find him AT ALL physically or sexually attractive. She has told me that he is NOT her type and will never go there....

She has even told him that the only reason she was really affectionate with him one night was because she was drunk. A total slam to him... but still his determination persists...

 

I've been told my a very good friend of mine who is a psychic that the friendship between them is short-lived... and that I shouldn't discourage their friendship, but join it.

 

What should I do about my boyfriend's new chum? Its not exactly like he has a million friends or is by any means, sociable.

 

HELP! ((sorry, the story is a little vague, but I tried to sum it up))

[Mar]

Er......first of all, I wouldn't put a whole lot of faith in a psychic. Much safer to follow your gut instinct than someone who claims to be a psychic, no offense to your friend!

 

Secondly, if he's that persistent in insisting he just wants to be friends, and that that's all you two are, let him have it. As in, keep your distance, and be that "friend." See what develops, if anything, between the two of them. If he's more comfortable in "friend" role to you, then what does that say to you? If you think he's openly lusting after other women, then why do you want to be with him so badly? Wouldn't you rather have someone who lusts after YOU, and you alone?

 

I'd give this a break, or at least cool it down a few degrees, and see what happens. Time will tell, and if this "Jessica" is as true to you as she says, don't fill her in on the status of your relationship, just keep things as they've been and give it a month or so and see how she AND he act in that time. Might do all of you some good!

 

 

Mar

[TrueHeart]

Mar-

 

How right you are.. Indeed thats what my gut has been telling me too. There is a saying that after 3 months, a person truly reveals how their personality is-- just the other week (about 2 weeks ago) he and her were hanging out, and they got on the topic of why men can physically fit to be in a job that women can't-- vice versa... As in security and heavy construction.. Her, being a total feminist, completely disagreed with him and portrayed the whole "I am woman, hear me roar" kind of attitude... which stiff-nosed him a bit. All I was hearing about him was him complaining that she was being a total b**tch about it, and it pissed him off.

 

My gut also tells me that this friendship, whether by truth or prediction, would be short lived. She is completely a socialite, stuck on looks, a complete utter fashion guru and 110% concerned about what people think of her.. 8-[ She's also a neat-freak, and refuses to do anyting that could make her dirty. This is completely opposite of him as he is more "relaxed" and comfortable just letting things loose. His fashion drives her crazy, so she says.

 

I have and will not confide in her about my relationship, friendship or not with my "boyfriend" [-( -- already, me being "not so available" to him has made him miss me a bit-- but subtly.

 

He does lust after me too, but its a tough call when it comes to saying, should I openly mention that guys are cute too?? Taste of his own medicine...

 

Sorry -- tried to jazz things up with the emoticons... I really hope that I can get some more feedback on this... SOmething just tells me to let this ride its course.....

[sera_michele]

Well, it sounds like a tough situation.

 

Know the saying, "If you love something, let it go...if it comes back to you, its yours"

 

I don't know if it is BS or not, but it may apply here. But I also think that there is something to be said about loyalty and trust. It seems that he has been completely honest with you from the beginning, and that is definitely a plus.

 

I really think that in the end you will be okay. This may be a rough patch, but i think that as long as he stays honest, and is mindful of your feelings (i dont know how well he's done on that part) everything can be worked out.

 

I dont think that "taste of his own medicine" stuff is a good idea...you dont want to create any bitterness. If he is being honest about his feelings for other people, definitely be honest about yours...just be careful what your motives are for doing it.

 

As far as moving out and needing space...this just may be what you need to freshen up the relationship a bit. But let me ask you, did the space issues just come up over the faire and this girl jessica?

[TrueHeart]

Yes, the space issues were almost branched from it. Before we'd need space, but it was as easy as taking a walk or going into the other room. He makes it blatently obvious when she's coming over, or when he's going to see her because he cleans the house, shaves, blah blah blah...

 

Yes, he has been honest from day 1, but he hasn't always respected my feelings. He is living out his past bitterness through me.

 

Just the other night, we were all drunk (except him) and 'Jessica' and I went to lay down... well, he laid between us... and then rolled over and held HER all night.... I must have laid there for an hour before I just got up and left--- went to my parents house... His excuse for holding her was that "she was cold"---

 

About 2 hours before we all passed out, I asked her if he knew that she didn't like him like that... and she looked surprised at me and said , "He doesn't know?"--- His determination over it drives me crazy.. I'm not sure what to do with it, but yeah-- space--err absense makes the heart grow fonder....

 

Well see.. I'm hoping for some good results by the beginning of summer.