Confused, am I gay I have feelings for a work colleague??

[clarabel]

Hello there

 

I am 31 & have been living with my partner & his daughter for 5 yrs & we have a 3yr old son & we are due to marry at some point.

 

I have sometimes wondered if I was gay as I found myself looking at women but when I started working at the hotel where my partner works there is a particular woman who attracted me. I think about her all the time, enjoy her company, miss her when I don't see her & in the past have felt something between us but backed off as I was scared of how I was feeling. I am almost definite she is gay but she keeps her cards close to her chest & I know this is because she finds it hard to trust people due to something that happened in her past.

 

Basically this is on my mind all the time, I even spoke to my partner about this a few months ago & he even guessed who it was but since then I have just tried to act normally around him as I can't even contemplate not been with him for the sake of our son as my parents are divorced & I never wanted that for him.

 

My main issue is whether I should tell my friend at work how I feel I have gone through talking to her, sending a text/email message in my mind loads of times & nearly did it today but what if it ruins our friendship although I don't think she is the sort of person to do that. The other side of if I did tell her is if she feels the same, do I want to be with a woman & what about my son???

 

What should I do as I know this is affecting my feelings towards my partner & he will probably suspect something again soon. I just want to be happy & give the best I can to my son.

 

Added 13/4/04 -If anyone else wishes to reply, especially if someone has gone thru a similar thing, please do I will keep checking.

[Michael2]

THis is simple.

 

What do you really expect to get out of telling her.

 

A nice sensual sexual experience with another, or the hope that she may feel the same.

 

You are with someone else, and YOU BOTH have a child together. Ever hear the term the Grass isnt greener? If you venture into the realm of infidelity, I suggest you get ready to deal with the consequences.

[clarabel]

THis is simple.

 

What do you really expect to get out of telling her.

 

A nice sensual sexual experience with another, or the hope that she may feel the same.

 

You are with someone else, and YOU BOTH have a child together. Ever hear the term the Grass isnt greener? If you venture into the realm of infidelity, I suggest you get ready to deal with the consequences.

 

Funnily enough it was that simple I don't think I would be asking advice from complete strangers. I would not cheat on my partner as his wife did that to him. I am not happy but do I stay with my partner because I don't want him to compare me to his previous wife. I am 31 yrs of age & am not stupid of course I know the grass isn't always greener why do you think I am still with my partner even though I have been feeling like this for nearly a year.

[Michael2]

Well then, what type of advice are you asking for. You comment on this forum that you are attracted to a woman, yet when I critique your entire argument you become defensive. You say you will never cheat on your man, yet in your post you imply that would love to be with this woman.

 

Hmm, sort of contradictive in nature. What type of advice can we give you.

 

You have two options, 1) be the better person and realize you have feelings for a female and dont act on them. This happens all the time, its called fantasizing.

 

Or second, dump your boyfriend, exile your chld, and see how it is to really be bisexual.

 

IT IS THAT CLEAR CUT. The problem is your emotions are involved.

[clarabel]

Well then, what type of advice are you asking for. You comment on this forum that you are attracted to a woman, yet when I critique your entire argument you become defensive. You say you will never cheat on your man, yet in your post you imply that would love to be with this woman.

 

Hmm, sort of contradictive in nature. What type of advice can we give you.

 

You have two options, 1) be the better person and realize you have feelings for a female and dont act on them. This happens all the time, its called fantasizing.

 

Or second, dump your boyfriend, exile your chld, and see how it is to really be bisexual.

 

IT IS THAT CLEAR CUT. The problem is your emotions are involved.

 

 

I am sorry if I seemed defensive but this is not easy in any way shape or form - to be having these feelings when I have never so much as kissed another woman before. I don't know what I expected to get back from this forum but I feel my subject title sums it up I am very confused & don't know what to do for the best. It is a case of whether I let my heart rule my head or the other way round. I suppose realistically I knew what the options were but thinking them & actually putting them into action are 2 completely different things. There may actually be a chance that if I did leave my partner anyway my son would be happy. My parents are no longer together & I came to terms with it & they are both remarried now to much more suited partners.

 

I suppose I just have to continue as I have been doing & hope that I either learn to deal with my situation or not. Thanks anyway

[beckstar333]

I would not listen to people who are going to attack you or make you feel worse than you are already feeling.

 

Obviously, you are having feelings toward women. You don't want to cheat on your partner. You have a child you are concerned about. You have many choices, and only you can decide what is best.

 

Seriously consider if you want to live the rest of your life never having experienced or explored your feelings for women. Do you think you can be happy doing that? Your child will look to you throughout his life for an example of happiness. Sometimes following your heart can be the best example you can give your child. Certainly, simply staying in an unhappy or unsatisfying relationship is not what you need for your heart or as an example of how to life live.

 

Life is full of sacrafices. Either way you go, there is a decision involved. You might want to just hold off on marriage until you've got your mind made up about this. Give yourself time.

 

As far as sharing your feelings with your co-worker...once you put it out there, its out there and the possibility of you acting on it may increase. If you aren't ready to cheat on your partner or dump him, you may want to wait. Wait until you are in a position to follow your heart, should your co-worker return the sentiments.

 

Just my 2 cents.

Good luck.

[niet]

they best thing you can do for yourself in this life is not to be a person who is always on hold. dont just 'deal' with life, dont live unhappily all you life, do the best for yourself.

lesbians can bring up kids.

give it a bit of time. are you really in love with this woman or is it just curiosity? are you really unhappy with your partner?

i agree with above, your child will look up to someone who seized what they really wanted (you wouldnt just dump your kid to be with this woman)not just stood back, wasted their life to make it good for others.

dont be selfish but dont just throw anything away.

 

i'm sorry for not making too much sense. good luck

[wellswomyn]

Clarabel,

 

My parents had four kids together and got along pretty well. They never fought, were always polite, and treated us well. However, they were simply going along with the flow, not really doing what made them happy. One day, my mother had a revelation: She would be a better mother to us and a better friend to my father if she was truly happy herself. She and my father separated, and my mother began a relationship with another woman. It was really hard for a couple of years for all of us to figure out how to make things work and how to interact, but we did. I'm sure it was really scary for my mother, not knowing what was going to happen, but your life can only be as fulfilling as you let it be.

 

I think the key for you right now is not so much to focus on this other woman, but figure out if you are truly happy and fulfilled with your partner. This is where your focus should be. If you two don't complement each other well enough, than trust that there is someone out there truly meant for you. Everyone deserves to be the happiest version of themself that they can be, even you.

 

Good luck with everything.

 

~Kim