My boyfriend will not stop and grieve

[onyx]

My boyfriend found out friday that one of the civilians that was killed in Fallujah was Scott Helvenston. They were friends and they had worked together. My boyfriend will not give himself anytime to grieve over this. He just angry. I listen to all he has to say about how he feels about how he feels about his friends death and the world today. When he does start getting upset to the point where I think he will finally cry about it, he stops and goes onto something else. I don't know what to say to him. How Scott died was absolutely horrific! I know there is nothing I can say to make it better, but I feel like I need to say something. I just don't know what. Can anyone help me with this?

[avman]

Hello onyx and welcome to eNotalone,

 

Your boyfriend is probably still very much in shock over what happened. It may take him some time to come to terms with what happened and his emotions are going to be on a severe roller coaster for awhile here.

 

The best thing you can do for him right now is love and support him. Be with him. Do things with him and for him. Continue living life with him. If he wants to talk, listen. If he doesn't want to talk, then allow him time to come to terms with it. Just let him know you are always there for him and that when he needs you that you want to be there for him. Even if its at 3AM.

 

Just be understanding of him. Everyone grieves in their own way. He won't grieve the same way you do, so you may not understand why he does the things he does. Just roll with him on this and with your support he will get through things.

 

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

avman

[Meow18]

your boyfriend may never cry over this. its just his way of grieving. people go through stages when grieving. the first stage usually is anger or shock. some people never cry over things like this when others will baul their eyes out. don't pressure him into crying over it. he doesn't need that right now. just let him get through this on his own timing. don't worry, nothing is wrong with your bf!

[onyx]

Thank you Maggie18 and Avman for your help. The thing is, is that he starts to cry and then he stops himself. He won't let it out. Then he gets angry. He already considered getting a transfer back to Iraq, which thank God didn't happen. He told me that him and Scott H. had a disagreement and never made amends. He feels guilty over this. This part is really eating him up inside. I don't know what to say to him. I've told him that he would of done things differently if he knew what was going to happen to him. I know he hears me, but I don't think it does much.

 

Since we don't live together and we do live a ways apart, I'm afraid he is going to have a breakdown and I won't be there to help him.

[avman]

Is your boyfriend religious at all? Perhaps a discussion with a pastor/rabbi/minister would help ease his mind and help him learn to forgive himself. Most all religious institutions have grief recovery programs to help the members go through this process. Many offer individual counseling as well.

 

I've looked up some information for you on how to help him through the grieving process:

 

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I hope some of this provides some useful information to you. Its going to be a long difficult process for him and you. The most important thing for you to do is to let him know you are there for him. If there is any way possible for you to visit him now, I'd highly recommend it. Having human touch and contact is immensely important during difficult times.

 

Please let us know how else we can help.

 

avman