My family is falling apart

[ay0_x]

Hi guys.

 

This is a rant as much as it is a plea for help..

 

I don't get along with my parents, our relationshpi has been violent, volatile and just about every other bad adjective you could use to describe it.

 

It got to the point last week where I decided i didnt want to talk to my mother anymore. The thing is, I love my mother, but she takes me for granted. I'm sick of being her emotional crutch everytime and being used because she's never there for me when I need her.

 

I have not talked to her for four days.

 

She's been sick for the past few week too. My mother is a typical drama queen and I suspect she has bipolar (bipolar and depression run in the family but because theyre so backward no one has ever gotten help) so I dont know how much of her sickness is real and how much is her faking it.

 

She has asthma which I know can be really severe but the thing is my mother is really well educated- SHES actually a doctor, a gynecologist- and is refusing to go see a doctor. She just lies on the couch and doesn't speak and then every 6 hours starts screaming IM DYING IM DYING IM DYING.

 

I don't know what to do. I refuse to talk to her. I wish she'd stop doing the drama queen act. It creeps me out and I hate it. She refuses to seek medical help. She says she's angry because my dad doesnt pay enough attention to her and hasnt sought medical help for her, yet she works at a hospital, she could have sought it herself.

 

Help guys.. please? No one can stand to be around her.

[civilservant]

I don't really know what you can do here ay0. She really does no better from what you're saying, but isn't prepared to seek help for herself. Do you live with them?

[Jeen]

Why don't you call 911 next time she do this?

[odile]

She says she's angry because my dad doesnt pay enough attention to her.

 

It sounds like this may be a key issue here.

Why not talk to your dad, and ask him to please just humour her a bit.

 

It might be annoying to feel like her crutch, and it's totally understandable that none of you want to pander to someone who's being totally unreasonable.

 

The worst part about dealing with someone who is being so unreasonable (particularly when they're in the middle of a tantrum), is that talking to them frankly and directly (i.e. "grow up!") can sometimes backfire, so you might be better off holding the words for when she's calmed a bit, and even then, be careful about the words you choose.

 

In the meantime, it may be helpful if you can muster some tiny gestures (bring her the humidifier, ask her if she needs a ride to the doctor, fix her lunch).

Let her know that you are concerned, and would like to help, but that the screaming is unproductive;

maybe even mention that if her lungs are suffering, that screaming is probably just stressing her body further, and that it's in her best interest to try to relax a bit.

 

Really, though, the burden shouldn't be all yours-- the rest of the family should be helping take care of this overgrown kid.

It does sound like she is absolutely begging for attention, and until she feels cared for, she's going to keep making trouble.

 

Also, once this immediate episode is over, you may want to encourage your dad to ask her to participate in couples (or better still, family... or both) counseling.

The help of an outside mediator may be the only way that some of these really bad habits and imbalanced dynamics can be re-structured.

[Johnty]

I agree with what odile has said.

 

As for her being a doctor, it isn't a comfort but doctors do make the worst patients, or so they say.

[ay0_x]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

I don't really know what you can do here ay0. She really does no better from what you're saying, but isn't prepared to seek help for herself. Do you live with them?

 

Yeah, I do live with them.

 

Why don't you call 911 next time she do this?

 

I can't call 911 because then I'd be in deep crap with both of them. Like I said, I don't know how much of it is her being sick, and how much is her really needing attention.

 

It sounds like this may be a key issue here.

Why not talk to your dad, and ask him to please just humour her a bit.

 

It might be annoying to feel like her crutch, and it's totally understandable that none of you want to pander to someone who's being totally unreasonable.

 

The worst part about dealing with someone who is being so unreasonable (particularly when they're in the middle of a tantrum), is that talking to them frankly and directly (i.e. "grow up!") can sometimes backfire, so you might be better off holding the words for when she's calmed a bit, and even then, be careful about the words you choose.

 

In the meantime, it may be helpful if you can muster some tiny gestures (bring her the humidifier, ask her if she needs a ride to the doctor, fix her lunch).

Let her know that you are concerned, and would like to help, but that the screaming is unproductive;

maybe even mention that if her lungs are suffering, that screaming is probably just stressing her body further, and that it's in her best interest to try to relax a bit.

 

Really, though, the burden shouldn't be all yours-- the rest of the family should be helping take care of this overgrown kid.

It does sound like she is absolutely begging for attention, and until she feels cared for, she's going to keep making trouble.

 

Also, once this immediate episode is over, you may want to encourage your dad to ask her to participate in couples (or better still, family... or both) counseling.

The help of an outside mediator may be the only way that some of these really bad habits and imbalanced dynamics can be re-structured.

 

 

Last night, after I made this post, my dad left to go and get her some sleeping pills (read: get her to shut up).

 

She stopped crying immediately. She started talking to me. I asked her if she'd ever considered the fact that she might be bipolar or something of the sort, she laughed it off. She basically said that her tantrums were the only way she could get through to my dad.

 

As SOON as my dad came home, she jumped under her blanket again, covered her head and continued screaming.

 

My dad's not much help. As bad as it is for me to say this, my dad's a "loser" in the sense that he doesn't have a job (he will quit a job after a week as soon as he finds a flaw with it), doesn't have a long term or short term plan. He doesn't really build friendships with people because he's quite snobby (he always thinks he's too good for people and he only hangs out with his "buddies" when he's bored). He has a habit of ignoring people when they're sick (something to do with his childhood i guess).

 

Now that I've realized my mother's only unreasonable and nutty when my dad's around, I don't think she's bipolar as such but I really can see that there's problems in their marriage.

 

They don't care though and they refuse to go into counselling. It's my sister and I that have drawn the short straw in the whole situation.

 

--

 

Again, thank you all for your advice. My talk with my mother and the way she acted when my dad came home last night was a real eye-opener.