what makes a guy do this?

[sherryb_free]

Hope you can bear with me on this one - need to get some feedback and just touch the basics of this mess.

 

The facts: I am a 50 year old female. I am still attractive, take care of myself, fairly well educated, good job, and a recovering alcoholic. Have been in a stormy relationship with another recovering alcoholic for 10 years, same age. He has, in the last month, now "moved on", living with a woman 10 years younger than me.

 

Here is what has me completely flabbergasted and I really hope I am not saying this just because I obviously really resent this chick, but she is a lush, a sleep-around and she is unattractive, no teeth, obvious ravages of drinking every night for 15 years. Put it this way, she LOOKS older than me.

 

If it had been somebody from AA or somebody he met at church maybe I could understand a little better. She drinks every night and, of course, he drinks with her, at least most of the time. His liver is shot, he has hep C, he is on methadone maintenance for pain, and drinking is going to kill him, LITERALLY. We come from a very small town and everybody else in town is just blown away too. He basically refused to work this out with me and, believe me, I TRIED, and instead went to her.

 

Add the rest of the story to the mix. My ex-husband was a worthless philanderer (he's in the penitentiary now), she is one of my ex-husband's ex- girlfriends, she has a child by my ex-husband.

 

Jiminy, what on earth is going through this man's mind!!! He and I have supposedly "broken up" several times in the past but he has never gone to another woman (as far as I knew, or thought. I'm starting to wonder now). Somewhere in my heart I think this new relationship is doomed (he drives her car over to come see me), etc., etc., but I also think I may be in denial and I need to roll with it and get over this heel. Then, on the other hand, I sometimes think that I would take him back in a heartbeat. We've been through a lot of tough times but we have had some good ones too.

 

Do you think he will come back to me? Any insight would be appreciated because I am one REALLY CONFUSED LADY!

[sphinx999]

All I can say is try to make him stop drinking, do that before you do anything else otherwise there may not be some one else to get back together with.

[lisaria]

hey sherryb_free,

Your name says it all, you need to free yourself from this man. He's an alcoholic and it sounds like he doesn't want to stop drinking. I was in a relationship with an addict at one time in my life and there is nothing you can do to make them stop. They will do it when and IF they want to. You know that from personal experience. You stopped, he has started again. Do you really want that crap in your life? You know...the promises that are broken? The good times that never ever last because they can't stop. The mood swings and anger directed towards you. The times they just disappear and you lie there at night and worry and cry over them, wondering if they are in the hospital or lying in a ditch dead somewhere. Or with some other druggie doing God only knows what. Do you really want that back? It's not worth it. You say he's with some skank now. If he did come back wouldn't you want him tested for diseases and other things? Wouldn't you be afraid of what he would bring back with him? I don't want to sound harsh or mean, but it's really not worth it. Please think hard about it. Do what is right for you and do not have any contact with him. You are better off without him. If you'd like to pm me and talk please do.

Lisa

[CanadianGirl]

Sorry sphinx999......I have to say that your comment truly reflects your age.

 

You cannot control another persons actions - or "make" them do anything against their will -- like stop drinking.

 

Obviously this man doesn't want to stop drinking. It seems like he is literally trying to kill himself...and is probably doing a good job.

 

Did you ever see the movie "Leaving Las Vegas"??? 'Cause it sure seems like the same scenario. The main actor (Nicholas Cage) knows his liver is failing and knows that he's going to die. So, he goes to Las Vegas and decides to drink himself to death. He meets a prostitute who becomes his lover and she falls in love with him. She ends up watching him drink himself to death -- she tries to help him, to no avail....his mind is set, and he will die with or without her. Eventually he succeeds...such a sad story.

 

But, sorry to say -- your man is doing the same thing.

 

He is only with this woman because she drinks, and he doesn't want to stop. He probably figures that he's dying and in pain anyways...and the booze probably numbs that for him. If he's been an alcoholic most of his life, then that is his comfort zone. He probably figures that he may as well do what he knows/understands/enjoys since he is dying anyways.

 

It seems like he loves you...and is only with this woman because she is an enabler. She drinks with him, and so he doesn't feel guilty because he's not doing it alone or against anyones will. When he's with you, you are against alcohol...so he can't do what he wants to do before he dies...he has to be sober -- which is probably too real for him to comprehend.

 

He wants the easy way out -- because it's easier to dull the pain and bandage the problems than it is to face the reality of the situation.

 

I think maybe you need to understand his mentality. There is probably nothing you can do to stop his drinking at this point. If you really love him, let him know....let him know what he means to you, and that you only want to help. This probably isn't going to get him back, but at least he will understand you more.

 

You probably want to stay away from him after letting him know how you feel. Unless you can accept him the way he is, and accept that he's going to drink himself to death....because it sure looks like that's what he's doing.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

 

[sherryb_free]

I didn't say that I was trying to "make" him stop drinking. Would appreciate you clarifying what you meant about "reflecting my age".

[CanadianGirl]

All I can say is try to make him stop drinking, do that before you do anything else otherwise there may not be some one else to get back together with.

 

This was the comment that I was referring to.

[sphinx999]

I know that and you can make people do things, you can also affect people by what you say. One sentence from someone you love can change your whole life at my age. I can only advise people from my experience. Which may seem little to some one older but they would be surprised by how much you learn young. You have to have faith in what you can achieve. Also you are only 8 years older than me and what is the point in living in a world full of segregation by age. The two most beautiful weddings I saw one bride was 18 the other was 55, age doesn't count.

Sorry about my age I'l hide it. I don't really like having my advice judged on it.

[sphinx999]

God gave us free will, I have always been taught to try my hardest. I know you can only get more knowledgable, because you learn more. But some times you forget as you get older. I try to be optimistic and trust in my own and peoples strengths you can't give up until you have tried.

But thanks for your comments, on thses sort of issues I try to learn and advise from the experiences of those around me.

[sherryb_free]

Thanks for you comments but could be get back to my topic.

[sphinx999]

Of course I am really sorry. Is there any sort of group that you could get him to go to with you or even her, that could help him with his addiction. Your first priority is his life, because It will take alot more work than getting your relationship back on track. Be there for him and tell him what you think and hopefully it will have some effect.

Sorry again

sphinx