A New Flesh

[DunwichChild]

Lately, I've been having thoughts of burning parts of my body chemically, namely the back of my hands and my torso, not my face or anything else, (which is odd, as heaven knows I hate my face), I think I just want to purge myself of the crap in me, I'm sorry for being cryptic but that's the best way I can explain it. I don't think I'll act on them as these burns can be life threatening especially if they go out of hand. But, the weird thing is that I'm not really concerned about any deformity that would occur.

 

Has anyone thought about this, or managed to get their minds out of it?

[nutbrownhare]

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this much self-hatred. I'm an ex self-harmer, and I can only say that there are other ways of purging the unacceptable parts - 'the crap' -which are more beneficial, purge the crap more effectively and are even creative. This could include writing, sculpting, music or painting, and one of the most affirming experiences ever is to have this kind of work accepted by others who have been through something similar. You are not alone.

 

I hope you won't need to hurt yourself. Sometimes destruction can be a crucial part of the creative process and you might want to look into this a bit further if the idea chimes with you - but you don't need to turn your energy against yourself.

 

(((HUGE HUGS)))

[No One]

Yeah, you'll be disappointed because you won't be able to purge the real pain/problems. Don't burn! If you have to, keep it small-scale stuff - you know that you'll be back to burn with another crisis and another crisis until you can finally put SI behind you. Don't know much about burning - counsellors???

[DunwichChild]

I don't know the reasons why I'm so attracted to the idea, I'm still trying to assimilate them, I'm just incredibly drawn to the pain it will cause, it almost feels like going through a threshold, where I'd get rid of my old skin and awaken with a new flesh...

 

I've also struggled with my own virility, with how I perceive myself as a man, and for some reason I'm equating the withstanding of a great deal of pain with being more of a man in contrast with the puss I am now.

[nutbrownhare]

I've also struggled with my own virility, with how I perceive myself as a man, and for some reason I'm equating the withstanding of a great deal of pain with being more of a man in contrast with the puss I am now.

 

Stay in touch with those perceptions; get professional help if this is acceptable to you. But I can pretty much guarantee that burning won't help with your perception of yourself as a man. There's more to masculinity than being able to withstand pain - women withstand pain, too - and it would be more useful in the long run to explore what you think you are lacking, with a professional.

[No One]

nutbrownhare is right about masculinity - being a man isn't about as much as dealing with intense pain as it is dealing and persisting THROUGH the slow, constant, mind-numbing disappointments in life.

 

" and awaken with a new flesh..." is probably never going to happen with serious burns. You may end-up looking at that part of you as a failure, unmanly, a nasty reminder.

 

I shouldn't write this, but, maybe, if you HAVE to experience great pain, then experience it without doing it in a way that might leave you deformed, disabled, or dead; you know, just raw pain.

[DunwichChild]

Well, I used to punch myself until my knuckles were raw. I once punched a brick wall hard enough to make my knuckles look like walnuts. I haven't done it in a number of years, maybe I should pick it up again.