Tried to break up with BF last night...didn't work.

[ameliamolly]

I talked to him before he came over that we needed to talk about us. He said "I am not going to like this talk very much am I?" I said "No." When he got to my house he looked pale and upset, almost in tears. I was a wreck too.

 

I thought I approached the breakup tactfully and head on leaving no room for question. I said to him "I need to break up with you. Things just aren't going the way I thought they would between us after being together for 8 months, I feel like something is missing and I can't put my finger on it. We barely spend time together do anything but dinner, drinks and sleepovers, and I think at this point we should be much closer then we are. But the fact that we don't actually do anything together makes it hard for us to get any closer to each other. I don't even know if I would want to spend more time with you given the option and that has been concerning me because it makes me question how I feel about you."

 

He rebuttled "so that's it? your decision is made?" I said "yes"...then he said that he realized that we haven't really been spending much time together and he has been wanting to however he has noticed lately that I have been planning a lot of my time in the last month without him. It's true that I have been doing that but only because he always seemed to have his schedule full of doing his thing. He said he would much rather be planning things with me, but wasn't sure what we should be doing. He said that he can't imagine his life without me in it, and he wants to do whatever it takes in order to make it work between us. He wanted me to give things another shot.

 

I then elaborated on how I think I am still messed up after my last relationship and I am not dealing with that too well. That I definitely have issues with everything. He said he wants to be there for me to help me work all of that out. I said that I am not sure if I jumped into things too quickly with him without giving myself enough time alone in between. And he said he thinks that I have my head on pretty straight even though he knows things have been hard for me.

 

I talked to him about the abortion that I had (of his) and how it didn't seem to affect him at all, but that it's still really effecting me. He said "I have looked at that as something that affects you more then me. But I want to be there for you to help you get through the emotions that you are having because of it. Can we go to a counselor together or get some other kind of help?"

 

I talked about how I find it strange that I don't go to him with my problems or emotions and I go to my other friends instead. That I don't feel like he is receptive to it. He said that he wishes he was the person that I would turn to, he wants to be that person so badly. He said "maybe you don't turn to me because your last BF was so hard to talk to about anything and everything you would bring up to him would cause a fight." He could be right. I may very well have an emotional wall up against him because of past things.

 

I started to have second thoughts about breaking up with him. I wondered if I was just throwing away something that could be really good with a little more time and effort. That maybe if I opened myself up more to him that things would grow more. Maybe I really am messed up after the last relationship and was not giving this thing a chance or working at it at all because I have been afraid to let him any closer. We talked a bit more and he asked me for another chance for us to make things work before I just walked away. I wanted to say no, but at the same time I was afraid that I was repeating my past patterns of putting up a wall and walking away when things got confusing. I told him ok, I'll give it another shot.

 

But I have to say that when I woke up this morning I was questioning everything again. I just don't know if it's me, my lack of being completely available to him or that my feelings for him aren't as strong as I thought they were...or if he is just not the right guy/right relationship. I have no idea what to do at this point. I am very-very confused. I almost want to tell him to give me a little time to figure things out to see how I really feel. I just don't know. Why am I so flaky???????????

[woobiegirl]

Just a little support for you...I commend you on how you handled it. Many would have written a letter, handled it over the phone, send an e-mail...all easier than doing it in person. You took the time to sit and talk things out face to face. You were direct, to the point, gentle and kind... but addressed the issues that have been on your mind for some time now. You've even brought them up during your relationship and he sort of let them go in one ear and out the other. Listening is very important in relationships. As couples, when we talk and share thoughts that are important to us, there's a reason...we need to take more time to think about what the other person is trying to tell us, or what it is that is bothering them. Most of the time it's sluffed off as ...Oh, they're having a bad day, or it'll go away in time. These little things that bother us just build up if they're not resolved. It really sounds like you may be losing your feelings for this person, but just don't want to hurt them. It's a shame we don't realize what we have, or acknowledge that changes are needed until one of the parties decide it's not going anywhere and it's time to move on. He may not be the right person for you. One quote that has stuck w/me from my research and reading about relationships is "It doesn't matter how much you love someone, if it's not the right person it is doomed to fail at some point".

 

You may need time to put your thoughts together...but I don't think your messed up because of a prior relationship. We learn from those, we become strong and discover what we don't want....spending time with someone you care about should come easy, natural ...if not, listen to the red flags.

 

Good luck to you...

keep us posted

Woobiegirl

[dikaia880]

Hey, thats a very hard thing to do, and you did it in a very respectable way...It shows you are a good person. It's pretty obvious that you want/need sometime alone to get your emotions and feelings straight...Don't let him guilt you into staying with him, if time is what you want/need he should respect that and give it to you, whether your breaking his heart or not...

Just tell him...I need time to think about myself and my desires and I can't do that while we're together...

best of luck, I know it's hard

[aha]

You sound like a really good hearted person. I wish my last girlfriend would have opened up to me like you have with your guy.

[Eric f]

I would give your self time to your self.

I was kinda in the same suit as you, ending one relationship and getting in another one after 2 weeks. we only lasted 9 months and then i broke with her, i figured out what i wanted after 11 months and went back with her.

we had a much closer and happier relationship.

 

but really you should do what you want to do.

good luck! and my best wishes

[tiger_lilies]

Maybe you had second thoughts because he wants to be there for you so much. It can be hard to turn someond down if they are so readily wanting to be there for you. You obviously don't want to intentionally hurt him. But if you feel so distant from him, maybe you're just not that into him?

 

If you are so confused right now, it could be a sign saying that you're not ready for him. It sounds like the relationship is lacking in communication and closeness.

 

In all honesty, if you were really in love with him, there would be no question. But because you're so confused, there's gotta be something deep routed.

[sweetharmony]

Hi there, i just eneded a 4 year relationship with someone last year. I had my rebound thing and wasn't readt to totally commit myself. I also strated dating this great guy afterwards- almost perfect on paper- well-rounded, intelligent, good looking, confident, great family, good heart. i couldn't understand what was wrong with me. i would share things with him, but i still felt this distance, an uneasiness, liek thre was something missing. I didn't feel we could grow into best friends. i acted somewhat aloof around him and he kept asking me why i was putting up a wall. i was putting up a wall, there was this bond that was missing- this closeness that was somehow elusive. granted, the chemistry was there, the sex very good, but there was still that bond that was missing. i thought it was me, but then i realized, there wasn't just a connection. i found someone who i could feel that bond with. give yourself some time - if you really miss him, then you can think about getting back. but understand, the missing may be mistaken for loneliness.