Torn

[Beeotch]

Hey everyone,

 

I have been reading this forum for the last few days before signing up, and it a long with other resources on the web have been a GREAT help to me in dealing with my break up. It is amazing how I feel completely different between now and even last week.

 

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago in March, and it was supposed to be a break. It came out of left field and was 2 DAYS before my birthday All in all between now and then I have of course done the questioning, the blaming, the emails the texts, just trying to get to the bottom of it and looking for closure. On one hand the reason he gave was stress on his job affecting how much work he could put into the relationship, he said he needed something easy and he knows relationships take work but he couldn't put that work in because of his other stress and the relationship was fairly new and we should pick back up in the summer when he was no longer stressed (he's a teacher and he would be on break ofcourse and he also would be getting a new job in the fall).That seemed believable enough except a host of other behavior and things he did didn't make it seem like he was regretful or wanted to be with me but was using that as an excuse for a way out. Then other behavior made me second guess that and think well maybe he does care.

 

I did love him and it was an intense relationship that felt way longer than it really was.

 

That is the VERY abbreviated version. But between then and now it has been turmoil for me as I went through that process of anger, always trying to ask questions and sending lengthy emotional emails etc and he would basically not respond or respond in a fashion that was very arrogant, flippant or making it seem like I was crucifying him. I felt he handled the situation poorly and his behavior is what lead me to the things I have done. But I have read others' stories and my behavior is not that unusual and I have read the No Contact rule and agree with it. It was an aha! moment for me.

 

 

I generally do the NC thing anyway....in the past with him it was out of malice as I felt I was always the one initiating conversations,texts, emails, etc of which he would either not respond or make it seem like a chore to respond. Ofcourse he said he wanted to be friends and didnt want me out of his life but it seemed like I was the one initiating most of the hanging out etc. So I would just say eff it! I am not texting him or calling etc because I am not begging him anything. I wouldn't really keep up with it though and would eventually initiate something trying to be the bigger one and trying not to be resentful as well as understanding that he has avoidance and detachment issues.

 

That has been the biggest hurdle I guess, me trying that much more to reach out because I know he has issues expressing himself emotionally and where he pretends things don't bother him...this of course made me excuse a lot of behavior or second guess his bad behavior. While I do believe a lot of it is really having poor emotional intelligence and being defective in that area and being vulnerable himself...I also know I am not superhuman and I can't allow him to act however he wants because of it. I realize he has to acknowledge his issues and atleast want to deal with them before he can even ever have a fulfilling relationship and it is not up to me to get him to acknowledge it. I already told him I care and I expressed knowing he has issues but it is up to him to see that within himself and want to change.

 

He has never apologized for anything in our situation and his attitude really irks me as he puts himself on a pedestal and high horse in which every wrong he has done that I bring up he brushes it off or admits to it like "I did it so what?"....he doesn't actually say those words but that is his attitude. He never apologizes or acts like he did anything wrong and it bothers the heck out of me!

 

I was trying to reconcile, trying to see beyond certain things but the last time we spoke, on Friday....while we didnt argue or any such thing, the conversation was blah and pissed me off. Especially since before then I had told him I had unconditional love for him not dependent upon him loving me back (and I was being truthful). I said some other stuff as well...and he said he would reply (without prompting from me) but he has not. I have not contacted him since then and then I read about NC and plan even more to do that. I do not even know where I stand in terms of wanting him back as I seriously now am more disgusted and turned off by his attitude and it is less about "Oh I just want you back". Guess I am recovering as I am way more critical about his actions versus being so desperate to be with him that I just excuse everything just so we can get back together.

 

However, today he texted me making small talk about him trying out some new recipe and I just said it sounded interesting and went on about my day. I didn't even have to think about consciously doing NC as I was really and truly just not interested in having a lengthy convo with him and normally when I get his messages I am so quick to reply right away and go out of my way to say more stuff so we keep talking,but this time I just didnt care.Right after I replied to that he sent a message saying "If we can hang out without any lectures, I'd like to hang out. If you lecture me I'll probably be done with it for good."

 

I was sooooooooooooooooo furious and taken aback when I saw that as it exhibited his arrogance and presumptive attitude He brought it up as if he was doing me some huge favor by saying he wanted to hang out with me then he had the audacity to stipulate the guidelines and threaten not to speak to me again if I didn't adhere. Ladies and gents...I was livid! I have yet to respond as I was going offthe deep and and didnt want to be rash so I tried to think but I am drawing a blank. I want to put him in his place...but I also want to tread lightly and not let him put up his defenses. WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

 

Should I just leave it alone and keep doing NC/LC? I don't want to be childish or ignore him because he did it to me....but I also don't want to play the fool and I am itching to tell him a piece of my mind which is what he calls lectures...lectures are when I tell him the TRUTH and point out his wrongs,in a constructive way but he cannot handle it.He seems to just want to feel like he is blameless and sit atop his high horse.

 

How should I maneuver this and deal with this person who is pompous but it is also driven by insecurity and I know he does care....is ignoring this person the best solution or dealing with them with LC in strategic ways the best?

[looking4ward]

I would agree to hang out and then be too busy to do so, continue NC with him doing any initiating. Think you both need more time to heal/reflect, (be brief and polite when you respond)

 

Good luck!

[Beeotch]

Its been quite some time since he sent that message...since earlier today. Should I still respond? Or has the time limit expired? Lol.

[looking4ward]

No it's even better.