New Guy

[majord23]

spatz,

Firstly I just want to say how sorry I am to hear about your situation mate....and what a horrible way to find out

 

My advice would be not to call. determined is right on the money spatz: you have nothing to gain and you will regret it.

You say that it was always part of the plan to call - maybe, but the plan has to change when the circumstances change.

 

I'm not going to dwell on not calling though....I know you will because I would.

 

Believe it or not spatz, there is a positive that can be taken from this:

 

If she wasn't interested in you, if she was adamant that she didn't want to get back with you at some stage - the easiest way to do it would be to tell you that she had met someone else......so why didn't she?

 

To prevent you from getting hurt? Never stopped her before.

 

Because she wants to be friends? They all say that mate, it just means thay want you around in some capacity because of the security you provide.

 

It's not like she didn't have the opportunity bro.

 

She didn't tell you about him for a reason and it had nothing to do with friendship or your feelings.

 

The Call

 

spatz, if you call her, it shouldn't be wasted....you should make the most of the opportunity.

 

The call you make should be straight to the point....and think of it as the last time you will ever speak to her (you *have* to approach it that way).

 

You should ask *every* question you want answered, and say *everything* you want to say...otherwise you will find yourself wanting to call her back to ask something else (and that's a downward spiral).

 

spatz, although you don't feel like it.....you have a lot of power at the moment mate. ALOT of power.

 

You know about the new guy BUT she doesn't know you know. That is a bombshell that will turn her world upside down mate.

 

Call her on it: be calm, tell her that you know about him and that you are disappointed in her because she didn't tell you.

Tell her that you obviously expected her to respect you a bit more than that....but you're glad that you now know because it will finally allow you to forget about her and move on.

 

End the call with a confident statement, as Beec has mentioned. I worked with a woman who's ex (whose heart she broke) said to her:

"One day you'll realise what you've given up, and you'll come looking for me."

Apparently she *did* go looking for him 8 months later....and he had moved on. That was 12 years ago....and she STILL remembers the words he used. Be that guy spatz....make that kind of impact.

 

If you play this right spatz, her head will be spinning. In the blink of an eye, her facade will have come crashing around her ears. ....you know about the new guy, and you are out of her life.

 

She will have gone from feeling extremely secure (with the new guy and you) to having her world fall apart.....and the best part is that she will never have seen it coming.

 

This is the only opportunity you have to do this right mate, ONE shot....don't ***-foot around issues - call her on everything.

 

Good Luck Spatz. Be strong.

[spatzcolumbo]

She knows that i know - just as i am sure i saw her yesterday, she looked over and im sure knew it was me.

 

So she knows taht already.

 

I still have no idea what i will say when i call her - i'm just gonna play it by ear - wing it to some extent i guess!!

 

It frustrates me so much - i don't see what that guy has that i don't have. I know she will be about in the summer a lot which means they will not get to see eac other much. As i'm fairly sure he does not live here.

 

And then once she finished uni she has said she is gonna come home to live here.

 

I just want ehr so badly. She adds a lot to my life. Up until yesterday i was so happy - felt so secure in my own way - she was all that was missing, but i was ok with that because signs were good.

 

It is shocking how emotions can turn so quickly. maybe they can turn back that quickly too. But somehow that would be too easy.

 

The call i intend on suggesting meeting up. If i handle it well, maybe it will be ok. if i handle it badly, then i tell her face to face that i am walking away. I'd rather do it face to face than on the phone.

 

I honestly don't suppose she will answer anyhow - he is probably still here.

 

As i said to Geecee last night, i wish i had quit this board earlier - to some extent it has given me so much hope, and has helped so much - look at me just a week ago - things were looking up SO much...and now look where i am!! Everyone is telling me this is it, walk away.

 

its hard to take such a sudden swing from good to bad.

[majord23]

She knows that i know - just as i am sure i saw her yesterday, she looked over and im sure knew it was me.

 

Then it's even more important that you don't call spatz....you have absolutely nothing gain. And despite you thinking things can't get worse, they can.

 

Don't call.

[spatzcolumbo]

...the one problem with all these things...is that i think you have all been in this situatoin...and you all know i AM going to call.

 

I don't even know it was her for gods sake - i could not be 100%. I am 99% sure, but there is always going to be that niggling doubt inside me...there are SO many students down here who all look alike!!! And i was such a long way away. I know its unlikely but my eyes could have been playing a very nasty trick on me...at first i didn't even consider it to be her!!!

 

I have had so many times when i have seen people who i think are her, only to suddenly realise it is not!!

[GeeCee]

Spatz - you will make your own decision.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Let us know.

 

Take care.

 

G xx

[Out to sea]

Sorry Spatz about your torment, I posted to you a couple of weeks back that exceptence is all important in getting yourself well again, the only crap part is that it is such a sour pill to swallow, well none of us ever swallowed it, rather it was rammed down our throath's!!!!!!

 

You seem to think that this is the worst thing that could have happened, believe me it isn't half as bad as you may think.

 

No matter what anyone may think about getting their ex back before they meet someone else, I totally disagree with especially GeeCee( sorry girl just my view), in most cases the ex will always spend some time over on the grass they believe to be greener, in all honestly it always plays a part in the minds of people that break up with someone, no matter what reason's they have for breaking up.

 

Think about it, if some breaks up with you, at some point, the thought that there are others out there to be with HAS to enter into their heads right?

 

So from that, if your girl broke up with you for no major reason ( as in your are a murdering psycho), then she must have thought about being with other fella's from the beginning!!!!

 

So what would happen if she had those feelings and didn't go out and try a few, then got back with you!! Bang on she'd probably break up with you again in a while anyways.

 

The fact is that in my experience it is only when the dumper goes out and sees a few people, that they rethink their situation with you, in a way you are put into perspective for them in a more realistic manner, often to your benifit!!!

 

This is the hard part though, you need to except that,as being a probable part to ever getting some back,

 

That is why it worries me on this forum , I read people trying to get there mates back but are so in love they cannot bear to think that there mate being with someone else, and they get sooo hurt as you have when they find out that they are dating other people.

 

I'm sorry but often this 'bd'news is an integral part of ' the process' for some people, they need to date others to see for themselves that the grass isn't half as green as they thought, especially for younger people who haven't been through break ups that many times.

 

Take heart Spatz, this situation that has happened may just be what has to happen, but be warned, how you do react to this news is important, and the hard part is that as all along you have to be strong and aloof about it as Beec and others said.

 

She has had you all along and don't kid yourself, she knew it damn well!!!

However to realise that you know about this guy, she will be worried that this news will be the news to make you stop thinking about her and move on. Now she will not have you both, you are gone now and believe me that will play alot on her mind, but if you act like it doesn't matter then she'll think that she can basicially do anything and you'll still hang around.

 

NO COntact is the way to go, if she calls you tell her to sod off, that you ain't waiting for more crap from her, wish her luck and say in a cool determined voice ' your loss girly, you just messed up big time, I've been here for you since we split, cause even if you were too blind to see it you had the love of a man like no other, but today I'm outta here, there are too many woman out there deserving of my love, and I know this as fact',

 

That will rock her to her core, and it doesn't matter what she says in reply, she be thinking about it for a long time to come.

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey Geecee,

 

Just wanted to wish you good luck, although i am posting in the wrong thread for that!!!

 

I've just had a long heart to heart with someone and i'm thinking about having counselling - this has made me realise a few things that i have issues with - not just relating to my ex.

 

i am still going to call her and see what i can work out. But don't worry i will be strong.

 

In actual fact, i already called her. As expected, there was no answer. I left a message "hey its me. Hope i got the right number this time!! Anyway, i'll try and catch you later".

 

Didn't sound in any way upset, didn't mention yesterday or anything. I'll decide later whether i call back or not. I know what everyone on here thinks, but its not as black and white as that for me.

 

thank you everyone,

 

Spatz

[GeeCee]

Outtosea

 

The fantastic thing about this forum is that we have people from all walks of life giving their opinions and they are all good.

 

However, there is one thing that I cannot agree on. Sticking to a strategy such as NC does not work if the person does not want to come back. My own experience is that I have dumped and been releived that the person has not made contact afterwards. They did not 'rock my world' when they did not contact. And on occasions I have also made contact with exes I have dumped, just to check on them, find how they are and assuage some of my guilt at having hurt someone else. I wanted nothing more. I had no realisation that I was giving them hope. I said vague things like yeah let's get together some time. But on occasion I did not mean it, and hoped that they would just go away.

 

My point is that every situation is unique, as is every person. We cannot rely on a strategy to get someone back if they do not want to come back. We cannot think that the grass is always greener on the other side until we get there. If that were the case, all our exes would come back to us after some time apart. I don't think that this is the case. I have rarely gotten back with exes because I feel that that is a step backwards. I feel that we broke up for a reason - but then usually I was the one doing the dumping. I understand that Spatz and his woman had nothing fundamentally wrong with their relationship and I feel exactly the same about me and my ex. However, that is OUR interpretation of the relationship. There must have been something missing inthe relationship for them to have dumped us in the first place.

 

I think that NC works inasmuch as it gives a person time to heal and rebuild their life. In essense gives them back their dignity. But I do not believe that it rocks the dumpee, makes them wonder, or forces them back. Exes make decisions and often they are comfortable with these and start rebuilding their lives very quickly. I emphasise - through our own hurt, I think that sometimes we feed our own and others insecurities on this site - we all want to be winners. But this is not realistic.

 

Just my pre-date ramblings. Nerves are kicking in - not making much sense, I am sure.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Hey Out To Sea,

 

Great post, thankyou. It actually made me think. It made me think thoughts that i had a long time ago, and posted on the board - i'd find them out but they were months ago!!

 

I do kinda feel similar - in taht a lot of people DO get scared about not being with other people, and worry that they are going to be trapped in something when there might be something better out there. Essentially meaning taht they force themselves to break away to go and see what is out there, only to return later in some cases. but obviously, some cases they will never return.

 

The question that everyone wants answered is what, if anything, can you do to maximise your chances of getting them back?!?

 

This is partly my dilema now. I don't know what to do at all, because i do not want to just walk away and never talk to her again. Someone said to me a few months ago that the most important thing above all else, is to NOT burn your bridges.

 

Someone else said that a new relationship can be a blessing, because once the 'honeymoon' period is out the way, that is where they really start to compare, and you come off better more often than not.

 

Which is why i feel so confused about what to do now - i am so tempted to carry on with how things are - i went through no contact for a couple of months, and then started to slowly build it up...

 

Its all too confusing!!!

 

I just want a quiet life with a girl who loves me the way my ex once did.

 

Unconditionally and happily.

 

In a sense, it feels as this is the most important time - she wants to meet up once he is gone. he will be fresh in her mind, thereforeeee i need to SHOW her i am better. don't know maybe i am clinging on to hope that is not there.

[GeeCee]

Spatz - and so do the rest of us.

 

So, you are right not to burn all your bridges, and I think that this is why so many of us were urging you not to contact her. However, I completely understand what you have done and suspect I might have done the same.

 

So, I guess now you sit and start playing yet another waiting game!!

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

I don't know if it is a wait - i will probably call her again later see if i can speak to her. We will see.

 

To be honest, not contacting her i feel would be burning my bridges just as much - in terms of teh fact that we had agreed to meet up.

 

And something i just read in another post....

 

"i don't NEED my ex, i just want her. I want her so much"

 

Sums it up for me. I am past my little stage of needing her. That is not the issue. The issue is just how much i want to be with her.

[Out to sea]

Spatz, we all need nothing except air water and food, nothing else especially in the short term.

 

The quote I offered up to you to tell her is by no means burning your bridges mate. It is a simple fact that you or us have no idea what she feels, whether you get back with her or not, but you have been all nicey nicey since the start and that was ok cause she didn't do anything that bad, however what has happened now is something that is important, and maybe saying something along the lines of what I said will stir things up in her head, that you really are pulling away big time and for good reason.

 

If she does love you Spatz she will make an effort after that. An ex that came back to me after month's told me that the single thing that got her thinking proper was the fact that she finally realised I was gone. Your ex knows well you are still there for her all along you have been so sound about it.

[spatzcolumbo]

Maybe thats what i have to do. I don't like the thought, i really don't. I hate not having any guarantee that it will have a good outcome. Other than it would make me sort myself out.

 

I still feel like i would rather say it to her face than anything else. i thought i had come so far since those dark days of winter. I was fine meeting up with her last week, i really was. So good to see her again, but i felt that i was in control. Now it seems not. The only thing that worries me is whether last week even sparked any interest in her at all. It may have done - there were good signs there - lots of eye contact, positive talk about plans for us to do stuff over Easter. The new guy coming down here will have been arranged for a while i would imagine.

 

I have no idea. i feel sick in my gut. Really sick.

[dikaia880]

Spatzy...

You don't know for sure...you don't know it was her, you don't know if their a couple if it was...your beating the negative into your head...

I like out to sea's advice...

But don't beat yourself up over something you can't control...

[GeeCee]

Guys - be careful with false hopes - grasping at straws - we all do that very &^%$ing well here.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Hence the reason i want to talk to her - to find out exactly whats going with them.

 

My head is so mixed up right now its untrue.

 

If i go no contact again, i don't have any confirmation of what i think i already know. Without this knowledge i would have carried on regardless, hence me finding it hard to follow the advice that says immediately cut contact. I have to know first what it is that is going on. otherwise there is no reason for me to cut away from my original plan. Imagine if it was NOT her that i saw - by some freak of bad luck, there is someone who looks VERY similar, and because i was looking out for her, my mind played tricks. Now imagine if that were the case, and my ex was actually being positive last week, and felt that maybe things might happen. Where would it get me going no contact??

[spatzcolumbo]

I FULLY agree Geecee, false hope can be the most damaging thing. but what about destroying all hope? What about if i am right in my previous thread - what if t WASN'T her. Doubtful, but possible. What if she has been waiting for me to make a move. Doubtful, but possible. Going no contact straight away without even asking about things....that is like jumping off a cliff because you thought you saw a bull running at you.

[SincerlyHurt]

Spatz, you know in all likelyhood that was her you saw. You need to come to terms with this, slow yourself down and figure out who you want to portray to her. You have been there for her lately and you apparently still want to. With your state of mind she is having her cake and eating it too.

 

I am in the same situation as you, my ex of 6 weeks is seeing someone in New York, we are in Texas. They are in the infatuation stage still and have plans to see each other through mid-month so I know I cannot make any progress until at least after that. I saw her yesterday for several hours, never mentioned him or us, just made small talk and ample eye contact. I tried to leave her wanting more. And obviously she still wants me around because she calls at least eveyday when she is not with "him", sometimes several times a day. She wants hugs all the time. I am her cake and so is he. So now I have to figure out a way to pull back from her.

 

You need to realize that if your gal is seeing someone else that it is not the end of the world. I know it feels like it is but it will at first. Let this thing play itself out if it ever does, and then if she comes back you know it was on her own. Read up on the push-pull theory, you cannot say anything or do anything right now or in the span of the next few weeks that would make her come back. This is a game of time, how you handle it will tell who wins. Dont do anything drastic. If you push her away by hounding her she will just water the grass with him. Be who you know she wants to be with and then just pray in time that she realizes that. Right now she knows you are waiting for her so she has no incentive to come back immediately.

 

We are now in similiar situations, read up on my thread "I dont know if no contact is right for my situation" to see how I handle everything, and also for some of my ex's statements to me even though she is with someone else. We will get through this.

[spatzcolumbo]

I entirely understand the theory, but when you say be the guy that you know she wants, i have been that guy for several months now, and i was that guy when we met for lunch last week. My point is i want to show her this just as we had planned this easter.

 

But it may be that i show her that and then tell her that i don't want to be part of it if she has another guy.

 

But i say that, yet i seem to change my thinking on every post!!

[majord23]

spatz,

I'm pretty sure that you know it was her yesterday, so I think that you should work from there.

 

You say that you don't know what to do or what action to take....in reality you only have a few choices mate:

 

1) Contact her or don't contact her

 

You have decided to call her, so that is one decision out of the way.

 

 

2) Ask her if she has a new bf or don't ask her.

 

If you ask, you will know for sure.

If you don't ask....you prolong the uncertainty and you will end up asking her soon anyway.

 

After the phonecall:

 

3)Cut off contact and move on or stay her friend.

 

You've said that you couldn't be her friend, so that is a decision that is already made as well.

 

It may seem over-simplified, but that is where you stand mate.

 

Some things I said earlier regarding your phonecall still stand spatz. Ask everything you want to know and say everything that you want to say. Tell her what she has missed out on and say Goodbye.

 

You have the advantage of preparing yourself before speaking to her.

 

I was sitting in a pub with my ex, having a great night....thinking we were on the verge of getting back together, only to be told by her (out of the blue) that she was seeing someone else.....but missed me, wanted to kiss me etc.

I know the devastation that you feel spatz, I truly do. I lost face that night in the pub...it threw me completely and I said all of the wrong things. It was only when I stole some pride back (a few weeks later), and told her what she had lost that I felt better, and she had doubts.

 

This phonecall is your chance to keep your dignity, say your piece and make your ex confront (possibly for the first time) the prospect of having you out of her life forever.

 

Don't give up hope, for sometimes hope is what keeps us sane and in your situation hope does still exists. Hope isn't something to rule your life by though....She may come back spatz, she may not.

 

It's about YOU now mate. You have to do what is best for you without giving the effect on her a second thought.

 

It may sound stupid, but after the initial shock of finding out about my ex seeing someone else...it made me feel better.

To me, it was alot worse thinking that she would rather be *alone* than with me....now *that* was a blow to my self-esteem.

[spatzcolumbo]

Thanks for the comments Majord, but i still have a degree of confusion!!

 

Everyone on this site has said things about getting back into a situation where you 'act' as if you are happy to be friends with the ex. You may not really want that, but if you can 'act' it, then its a great plan, and then take it from there.

 

Now, as i have discussed with Beec, i have no idea whether i could pull this off or not. I would not know until i see her. But this also brings the significant dilema of having to decide *whilst* i see her what i actually want to say to her.

 

I would then either find myself trying to be friends, and hoping it can lead on from there. Because it is possible that by doing this, and showing i have changed (which i promise you all i HAVE), that her comparisons between me and the new guy would fall in my favour. What happens once the honeymoon stage is over...where do the comparisons start. When she is home for the summer, and her parents ask about me, and she remembers all the good things from last summer, where will i be.

 

To be honest i don't think anyone has any way of knowing what is best for this situation. I have a possible 6 or so different courses of action, ranging from walk away now, to call her and say what i have to say, then walk away, to meet her and try to pull of friends, to meet her and walk away, to this that and the other.

 

What if she is already having doubts about the new guy, and this is why she was so keen to see me this Easter?? What about if they have been together for a couple of months, and the honeymoon is over, and she has decided that she wants to see where things might go with me again??

 

What ifs what ifs. I know that is all they are, but they are SO vital in this situation.

 

If you are saying be her friend, are you meaning MOVE ON and be her friend, or play the game and be her friend - 2 very different options.

[GeeCee]

Spatz - how about MOVE ON and be her friend - if you can do this. Sometimes things happen when we least expect them.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

Gee,

 

with all due respect, That would NOT happen...there is no way i could become a friend and just a friend...not in my heart anyway!!

 

Hope ur feeling ok about tonight?

 

You did fine with your message- just means you have to wait that little bit longer

[majord23]

Spatz,

It is *impossible* to stay her friend and move on. The fact is that she has someone else, and as much as people may tell you otherwise…it does change the 'game' that you play.

 

Sure, when an ex is single, 'acting' like a friend…allowing your ex to see you in that light, is a way of working your way back into their heart.

If they have someone else though, it does nothing but cause you more heartache and periodically you will drop the act and let your ex know exactly how you feel…either out of anger or frustration.

 

'Acting' as a friend is a recipe for disaster…how long can you act for? What if she stays with this guy for months? Are you willing to keep yourself in the game, pretending to be happy and standing by her, waiting for her to change her mind….for months?? You will stagnate spatz, you will not progress at all and you could potentially feel just as hurt in 6 months as you do now.

 

I have been in your situation too many times to count. I have also had close friends in the same situation. On *EVERY* occasion No Contact has been successful.

 

Successful in that exes have either come back OR the 'dumpee' has gained some perspective, regathered some pride and realised that the ex wasn't the one for them.

Determined is well on the way because of no contact. His ex may come back, or he may move on….at the end of the day he will be happy and *that* is the most important thing in the world…with or without his ex.

 

No contact doesn't push your ex away, it makes them face the prospect of losing you forever. On the other hand, staying their friend gives them the best of both worlds: They are with someone else, you are still in their life and they suspect (know) that they could have you back if they wanted.

 

You will end up resenting your ex, and losing respect for yourself.

 

Staying in her life means that you need her…and she will know it. Breaking contact means that you don't need her….and she won't like it.

 

Staying in her life opens you up to more pain spatz.

Breaking contact will give her a shock, give her something to think about and most importantly it will put you in the road to recovery.

 

I have broken up with girls before, that I *knew* I had to break up with….one girl (I was with for 2 months) said "Fine, your decision…bye". Now, I was 100% certain I didn't want to stay with her, but when she said that I had doubts….it almost made me change my mind….and that was someone I had no intention of going back to. Her reaction gave me second thoughts though.

If she had stayed my friend as I suggested, I would have seen her as a bit of a push-over and I would not have respected her as much as I do now.

 

It is surprising how just getting on with your life can bring about unexpected changes in exes behaviour.

 

Your ex may wake up to herself, she may come back to you…but she may not. You have to stop focussing on what is best for 'you and her'. There is no 'you and her'…there is only *you* and you should take steps that help *you*….and no one else.

[spatzcolumbo]

I know what you are saying. However, i can't help but think of a number of things (not problems as such, just issues i have):

 

1) i've already done a period of no contact. Granted, not a period as long as you may have managed in the past, but a period that was SIGNIFICANTLY longer than a lot of people manage. I played it perfectly - you said it yourself. She started to initiate contact, and i played it cool right up to the point i am in now - i played her into the situation where she said she wanted to share a bottle of wine with me. Now whilst i was playing this game, it is evident that she has been with another guy. Yet she still initiated contact, and seemed genuinely thrilled to receive my birthday present, and card, saying how much it meant to her. At the end of the day, if i had not seen her the other day, the game would still be on, 100%. I COMPLETELY understand the concept of no contact - god knows i have read enough about it over the last 4 months.

 

2) Having used no contact, i was able to get myself standing, get some respect back, and better myself. I improved a number of things. Seeing her with a new guy was a major blip. But doing it again is a horrible thought. ALmost as horrible as thinking of her with the new guy.

 

I agree that 'acting' like the friend is not a good option for the simple fact that it would be too hard on myself, and would hinder me moving on.

 

But i still have these thoughts in my head what if there is ALREADY some doubt in her head about the new guy. WHat if seeing my last week actually stirred up some emotions. What if the new guy has not bonded with her family quite as well as i did. All these things that could quite easily throw doubt into her head. What if she IS thinking long term - when she mentioned that she would be back all summer, and was interested to know what iwould be doing, and when she mentioned that she would almost certainly come home to do a masters after uni.

 

To an extent, i already DO resent my ex. I resent the way she treated me, dumped me without even talking about it, or discussing how we might work it out. I resent the fact that i was not given any real tangible explanation. First time round i told her i never wanted to see her again (more out of pain and anguish than rational thought) she started to cry, and would not stop. This is how at the time i knew that i meant a lot to her. I am convinced the reaction this time would be less impressive.

 

I also find it hard to comprehend the best way to do this. I wish to see her one last time if i am to cut out contact completely. We had arranged to do things over Easter, things which i was SO looking forward to doing. I'd like the chance to see her to explain face to face just why i have to decide whatever it is i have decided. I do not yet know what that is. Part of me wants to try and give it the chance of meeting up for drinks, part of me knows it would be hard, and part of me just wants to go no contact entirely.

 

Still giving this one a LOT of thought.