This is long, but I really need some good advice....

[Wonder_Woman78]

I've been dating someone now for 2 1/2 years. We are living together and everything seems to be okay on the outside. However, about a year or so ago I was hearing from a friend that she thought he was calling his ex-girlfriend. I asked him...which he replied yes. He claimed he needed to ask her about something. Anyway, since then I have become extremely suspicious. Lets just say that he has a history of being a player. Because of my suspicions, I began checking my computer's history every so often. Eventually this has come to haunt me. I have found out that he has been looking on personal ads (and I don't mean the one's to just find a "friend"). We are talking raunchy replies. I confronted him about these and he said he doesn't know why he did that. After that, he stopped for a while. Then, just recently, I found out that he was talking on a gay website about having sex with these men. I knew it was him, because he gave out out phone # on the internet. I was really mad. He totally denies it, and I have even brought up the history cache to show him. I've tried to be sympathetic, meaning that I've asked him if there is something that I'm not doing in our relationship that he needs, but he just says "I don't know". That's how he answers all of my questions. I don't think he has ever physically cheated on me, but his constant need to seek out people on the internet is frustrating me. I really feel like there is a side to him I do not know. I'm beginning to wonder if he is addicted to sex (any and all types). I myself despise pornography because of this. I've tried to come to a compromise and bought him a subscription to Playboy thinking this would cure his appetite for this kind of material, but it hasn't. About a month ago I was leaving to go to my parent's house for the afternoon and ended up turning around and coming home because of the bad weather. When I walked in he had a sex tape in the VCR and was about to watch it. I got so mad. He works 3rd shift, so he is suppose to be sleeping during the day. Now, I dread leaving the house for fear that he is going to either be watching porn or getting on the internet looking for it. It's almost like he can't control it. Because of this, I'm having a hard time making love to him or even finding him attractive. I do love or I wouldn't have put up with it this long. What do I do? I'm so desperate. I've even put a password on my computer in attempts to take the temptation away from him. Some please help, I'm losing my mind here.

[Xandra]

I see this whole porn thing - and womens' reactions so much these days that it makes me wonder if us women are really looking at things in the right way. I've actually sat down with my boyfriend and watched porn, it's a very interesting experience if you're comfortable with it.

 

However, your situation is quite different. When you start voluntarily initiating contact with other people for sexual or romantic reasons while you are in a committed relationship, there's just something that isn't right. This whole thing with the gay porn worries me also. Of course, any guy who is honest with you will tell you that they have thought about it. Women do too. But to take it to the extent that you actually have sexual contact (yes, even through the internet), is too much. He is not showing you the respect and honesty that you deserve.

 

A guy who is into porn is always going to be into porn. This is inevitable. It's something inside of him that he desires whether he knows you hate it or not. It's never bothered me that my man likes to look at porn. In the end I know he loves me and would do anything for me. Men are men though, and when they have sex on the brain, they'll do anything for that "release". When they are finished with the porn, it's discarded and never thought of again. It's just fantasy and release. You're still going to be #1 unless you feel your sex life is no longer what it used to be.

 

I think this guy needs a reality check. You're trying to be so generous and understanding, but know where to draw the line. Don't be a doormat and put up with his frequent disrespect, contacting other people on the internet, etc. If it bothers you now and you've told him, yet he continues to do it, I would get out of the relationship. If anything, you breaking it off with him will show him that you have standards that he isn't meeting. If he really wants things to change with you, he'll make that extra effort.

[holeinmysoul33]

I agree that the personal adds are a poor choice on his part. Of course everyone gets crushes or has some interest in other people even when they are in a commited and loving relationship, but usually they do nothing but fantisize for a week or so. To actually go out seeking contact from another is unacceptable. That does somewhat border cheating. I think that needs to stop.

 

However, I think you need to lighten up on the porn. The more a man "releases", the better he will feel. There are studies showing that men who masturbate more have lower prostate cancer rates and are generally happier. If he doesnt maturbate, he will become hornier and will have more likelihood of straying. And its impossible for you to be able to satisfy all of his needs. My boyfriend and I have sex several times a week and he still maturbates once or twice. Some of them just have insatiable appetites for it. So give in on the porn. If it really disgusts you, just ask him to watch when your not around, and to please not use your computer. And the thought of you will stay in his mind long after the porn is over. The porn really is just visual stimulation, because in his mind he's imagining being with you (all information that comes from many men).

 

So good luck to you.

[sera_michele]

If you really want to be with this person, i would suggest couples counseling. It sounds like both of you have some issues that need to be worked out (his porn issues, your lack of trust) and there is no shame in seeking someones help.

 

It will be a chance for the both of you to get some feelings worked out and possible make you a stronger couple.