rich_1517 - a moment to step back and take stock

[rich_1517]

Hi guys

 

i know everyone who has lost someone would want at least the chance to see, to try again. so as you read this know that it may not always be what you truly want. I am taking some time to take stock in my situation.

 

i am the guy who is experiencing this. i am not a mind reader but i have to listen to some of the words that i have heard from my ex and take them to heart. and to plan around the realities:

 

the words

 

break up "this isnt working, i need time to myself"

week after "i need two months to decide"

after two months "i see you more as friend, i may be trying to keep you as friend saying this but lets go on some dates"

mistaken kiss moment "its early for that"

says that "the reason i shut down sexually is my choices in men"

"i want more passion in my life"

 

the actions:

has called and wanted to get together pretty frequently

has shown a real independance and planning that does not invlove me

is emotionally distant

likes to able to touch me, doesnt show signs of wanting to be touched.

has not brought up relationship or feelings about it "ever"

 

 

ok so I try to project out based on how she has behaved to see if i can imagine the two of us together in an intimate situation like we have in the past. i cant see it.

 

on one hand i see her testing the waters with me, but it feels like friends. we flirt etc. if i were to guess where she is, i would say she is trying to move on, not hurt my feelings by still being around, that she doesnt want to be lonely. that she is thinking next steps but doesnt know what those are.

 

that may seem like a hard look in a negative light, but it necessary for me to do that. i have to accept that i may have someone who cannot and will not do pain and disappoint for herself or me. she may think she is doing the right thing.

 

so we are at that moment where things can go a couple ways.

 

1. she has issued enough cautions that if she dated someone else without telling me she could justify that "well i said we were friends"

 

2. she could just keep riding this ambigous nutured hanging out for a long time and soak up my attention.

 

3. she could be really thinking about how to climb the wall back to us.

 

a lot of guess work combined with real truths. the bottom line is i am now strong enough to walk, and tactics are great but you cannot make someone feel what they dont want.

 

that said the answer for what i am to do is clear. to become now less available, grow my life without her more, let her call, not me. treat this as over again and start dating but see what she says if/when she calls.

 

 

more to follow.

[bones]

i'm guessing and empathising and drawing on my own life here - its tough because you find yourself caught between moving on to something else and that feels like you cheated the love you had in that it makes you feel like something you want to believe is true has died. you feel like you have to stay arround in case she changes her mind cos people do sometimes and it proves to be right all along.

I don't know how to advise you other than say I'm stuck in a bit of a double bind myself. All I can suggest is you think about if you moved on how would she feel. If you met someone perfect and understanding and who met your needs how would she react?

A few years back I turned down a chance of a relationship because I was 'in love' with my then ex. It was a massive mistake I think not to test the water because it might have been a test of her feelings. She wasn't in love me (although try as I might not to I kept thinking she was) and I think she'd have been happy to see me moving on. The girl I missed out was a very sensitive and understanding girl who had just been dumped herself. I'm not suggesting you jump into bed with anyone, just maybe try to think of the perfect girl and ifsomeone comes along try and consider everyone's feelings and take it really slowly and you may find your freedom that way.

I'm in a situation where I'd like to move on but my ex 'wants to be alone' I'm scared to death she will turn up 3 months down the line and be either miserable and lonely or want me back. It's hard to care for two people in a break up situation. All I can do is carry on and see what her reaction to me moving on is.

I cansee myself moving on with someone sensitiveand caring and it will be difficult cos I know my ex loves me (in a strange way) and wants friendship and values the security of us both being single and knowing I stillfeel 4 her. I wonder how long I can wait and whether it would be better to move on for us both.

All I can say is if you and yr ex are true love then it won't work with other people and someday down the line you will BOTH realise that.

I hope this is of some use - It helped me to say that!