i give up.theres no point nemore

[jackie1982]

i dont think i can go on anymore.some of u may hav been followin my story in the "breaking up" forum.i just split up with a bloke who i really loved and i cant help but blame myself.but it isnt just about that anymore.i feel so low at the min,i just dont know how to get myself out of it.things hav never gone right for me.as a kid i was bullied,my dad used to hit me,i got involved with a guy who cheated on me by sleepin with my best mate who i grew up with,and got his ex pregnant then he went bk to her.i didnt get into the uni of my choice or get to do the course i wanted to,iv struggled with the course i am doin,last summer i was raped,my grandads got cancer, and now breakin up with this guy i was seein who i loved seems to b the last straw.nothin EVER goes right and stays right.i tried seein a counciller after wot happened in the summer-she didnt help.and so i dont know wot else to do,i dont wanna b alive nemore.im fed up and scared when somethin does go right that that will just go wrong.just like this guy iv just been with,he was perfect and i cant help but blame myself.iv got my finals for uni in 6 weeks yet i cant even concentrate. and i know what every1 will say,u gotta give it time,go do this and that for urself.iv tried,but i cant,im not strong enuf nemore.iv got no confidence,i cant even use the phone,im in tears to my mum everyday,there 100 miles away. i am not physically or emitionally strong enuf and i feel theres no point me even bein here.guys just hurt me,my mates are all leavin in the summer when uni finishes and i feel sooooo alone.i feel like no1s ever gonna love me for me,i feel like im just living life alone and i dont wanna feel like that.im about to finish my degree and iv got no job or nethin to go for,i just see a future of nothinness,i feel completely worthless.wots the point,iv got nothin to live for,if its just gonna b full of hurt and i keep gettin knocked back b4 iv even got bk on my feet then i give up.

[avman]

Hello jackie,

 

Keep pouring out those feelings. They obviously need to come out and it sounds to me like they've been kept inside an awfully long time. There are times we ALL feel this way. Like everything is completely hopeless and nobody cares. But people DO care. We just have to let ourselves see that.

 

I care, so how about that

 

You've got a lot in your post. Lots of things from the past are really eating at you and hurting you. Keep talking. Cry all of this out. And just let it come. Its totally ok to have a meltdown right now. I think your body can use it. Can you call a friend to come over while you meltdown and just have them stay with you for awhile? They don't have to do anything except be with you and keep you from hurting yourself. Ask your best friend to come over - and she will. And then just go to pieces for the day. She will understand.

 

Please PM me if I can help you. Its gonna be a rough day, I understand.

 

avman

[silly-sausage]

Hello

I kno it seems meanless and everything isnt right but eventually it will be. A friend of mine suicided last month and no-one ever knew he could've been so sad. I think u have depression and its a real disease just like having the flu is. Its not ur fault and altho it seems like no one else would understand, a lot of people r in similar situations. Once things start going bad, there can be changes in ur brain chemicals leading to major depression. So mayb u shood consider seeing a doctor and i'm not saying pills are the answer but it may help for a while until u give time to heal a bit. You've taken such a big step by expressing urself and i know my friend didnt say anything to anyone. U mite be feelin so much pain right now that all u do is wanna get away from it, but the pain needs to be brought out. Just coz 1 councellor didnt help doesnt mean others cant. Also my dad has been major depressed before and after a year whwn he came out of it, he couldnt believe that he felt so bad. So just coz u cant c any light yet doesnt mean there isnt any....u'd b surprised!

Anyway, hope everything gets betta.....i kno it will

luv xxx

[jackie1982]

thats the thing tho,i hav cried,i cry so much.iv been to pieces the last 3 weeks but nothin what so ever is helping.i actually feel like i cant talk to my friends,i feel like im just bein stupid.i think i understand what ur friend was goin thro,i cant talk to ne of my friends cos i actually feel like they just think im stupid.theyd just b like oh well never mind get on with ur life,u got lots to look forward to blah blah but thats just it,i aint got nethin to look forward to.i just want some1 to take this pain away but no1 can can they.its not like its just a recent thing,its been my whole life thats just goin wrong. i didnt deal with bein raped very well, i went to pieces there and wanted to kill myself,i was refusing to do nethin about it,gettin any help,and my friends got so fed up because i was so unhappy and wernt doin nethin about it,they didnt understand.i feel like im just bein stupid,i seem 2b the unlucky one that just keeps gettin knocked back again and again and again.i hav just had enuf,i cant take it anymore.i wanna go home b with my family who live so far away but i cant even do that becuase i hav the bad memories of the cheating ex there.that nearly destroyed me.it just keeps happenin over and over again,IV HAD ENUF!!!!WHEN AM I EVER GONNA B HAPPY!im not am i!im cursed.i feel like im shoutin and nothings comin out and no1 really understands and wants to try listenin.i was depressed in the summer and i met this guy and he made me happy!i had a reason to b me and keep on goin!and now hes left-because im not good enuf!i tried so hard,but im so insecure,iv got no self esteem and i just feel empty and scared about living another day-because im scared of havin to feel this hurt over and over again.

[avman]

Keep talking jackie. More and more is coming out and thats exactly what you need to do. We don't think you are stupid and we won't tell you to just get on with your life. I totally understand where you are coming from.

 

I know you feel all alone right now and that nobody else would understand or want to be with you. But we are right here for you and we do want to help you.

 

Right now I don't think you are in a state to listen to a lot of complicated advice. So I'm just going to try to calm you down.

 

I want you to take deep and slow breaths. Take a breath in, hold it for ten seconds, and then let it out over 10 seconds. Do not do it any faster than this. Force yourself to do this slowly. We need to slow your body down right now because its in overdrive. And breathing is the best way to start. Nice and slow. In and out. 10 seconds each.

 

Once we've got you calmed down we can go farther with things. Nice and easy right now. We're not going anywhere here. If you have some relaxing music I'd like you to put that on now and play it while you are breathing. Ok? Will you try this right now?

 

avman

[xavierw]

Hello Jackie,

 

What you've wrote triggered me to join this forum, and to start working on a web site were I'll list my past experiences, tips, etc. - to share with others. The site is not ready yet, but I wanted to say few things even before that...

 

First, you should know that you're not alone. Many say that, and it doesn't seem to help, but I'll explain. Many people hit the "bottom". When they do, they think there's something wrong with them, and sometimes they break and commit suicide. I want to protest against that here and now. It is a defense system that society uses to protect its members. There is a not-so-small group of people that became aware of the fact that their life is meaningless, and society catagorized them as "weird" or even as freaks. It's the way society protects itself from addressing the issue of the meaning of life. Knowing I'm not alone helped me before, when I realized that there's NOTHING wrong with me - on the contrary - I've reached higher levels of understanding about myself and my life.

So life has no meaning. That means we can just die, right? - wrong! there is a third option, and you'll be surprised of how many people live like that.

Albert Camus, in its book "The Myth of Sisyphus : And Other Essays" addresses this issue in the first chapter - "Absurdity and suicide". That's a well respected author talking now.

 

As for what you've wrote:

 

First, breaking up is always hard. A broken heart doesn't really heal. People say "time will make it better" - it doesn't. If you're gonna count on time to heal it, you're about to get disappointed. What time does help, is to learn to live with the pain. It took my about ~3 years to fall in love after my heart first broke. When it first broke I saw no reason to keep living. And if you think after 3 years I was better off - I was not. I just kept living. Only to fall in love again and, of course, get my heart broken the second time. That was even more painful than the first time. Did I think about suicide? sure, everybody does at one point or the other - they're just affraid to admit they did, because nobody wants to be a "freak". But the point I'm trying to make here is that people can learn to live with pain. It doesn't really get easier, but you just get used to it. I never felt I'm getting used to it. Only now, writing these lines after about 7 years from my first big break - and I realized I did manage to learn to live with the pain. It didn't go away - give me 5 minutes to think of her today, and I might start crying again... but I've been a live and active for ~7 years now, and had the chance to break again in the meanwhile...

 

As for the very long and terrible chain of events you've mentioned, I can only say I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but I can see a bright side to that - you've experienced so much pain before, you could be easier for you to survive more pain. If you think of it for a minute - someone that gets hit for the first time can't handle the pain at all, intense pain for the first time can be way too much. I know it sounds weird to say experiencing pain can help you, but maybe years from now you'll look back and see how it helped.

 

As for the difficulty to do things, study, etc. - I can tell you that I've left my studies in the middle a few years ago, and that didn't have any big influence on my life. Trying to do big things is not wise when we're weak. I used to minimize my efforts to little things - a little step at a time. Realizing life would never be the same is important. But I'm happy that I have loved and experienced pain - it is better than never loving at all. Since I hit the bottom, I kept my daily activities to the minimum. Years later started working a little. As I earned money, I used it to buy little things that can pass my time - music CDs, books, etc.

Money is absolutely not the answer, but it helps in two ways - one, it provides something to do during most of the day. That's less time to think about our pain. Second, we get money, which we can use for other things to pass the time - movies, trips, etc.

None of the above really made me a "happy person", but it passed the time, and with time, the force of habbit became strong enough to keep me going.

 

Nobody is strong enough when hitting the bottom. We all have times in our lifes when we feel too weak to do anything. But doing the little daily things pass the time, and after a year or two you look back and say "wow, I have no reason to live, I'm too weak to do anything, but I have been like this for more than a year now!" - and that's something.

 

As for being alone and never being loved again, I too felt like that before. And you know what - it might be our reality. It is possible that I will never find someone that will really love me, and I am always alone - even when I'm at work, surrounded by people. But I've accepted that. There was a point in my life I said "I must find someone to love me quickly, or else I might break" - and eventually I decided not to, and that was a good decision. I've decided I must close up, and live with my pain for as long as it takes. That's sad - I know. But I am still alive. And you know what - most days are not too bad.

 

Some people say - look around you, there are people with worse problem. Technically that might be true, but it DOES NOT HELP. Neither is professional help, in MOST cases. When you're is in such a pain, nothing/no one can help but you. Trust me, you don't have to be strong at all, just decide that you're staying alive, and the rest will follow.

Facing the dilemma of suicide before, I thought of many reasons not to - like that my family would be in pain, but eventually, I just came to this conslusion - "screw it, I have no reason to live, but I am going to. Just because". And that's all I had to realize. There is no reason. There is no magic solution. It is just a decision to make. And because suicide is final (no second chance), I just chose to stay. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be happy and then I'll be glad I didn't do it? You never know... Curiosity was a good enough reason for me.

 

As for the future, we are always tought that we must plan our future, and work hard to accomplish our goals. That's foolish. Who says it is true for you or me? What if I don't care about the future? I'll just go day by day, and whatever happens, just happens.

Same for the "worthless" - who will define for me what it is worthless? I decide for me, and if I want to have no "worth" to society for now, that's my own call to make, and no one elses. You don't need to give excuses, or to justify your existence. Not to others, and not to yourself. People make this mistake because this is what people always tell us. But who are they to decide for me or for you?

 

Some little tips, from someone that saw they can help:

- don't make big steps. they are more likely to fail. small steps are easier.

- don't depend too much on others - they can disappoint you when you need them. try to depend on yourself mostly. you're the only one that's going to stay with you always...

- try hiding you pain a little when among other people. people don't like other people's pain, and they usually run away. the better you learn to do that, the easier you'll be out there. you always have people like you to talk to (like in here) if you want to express your pain.

- be nice to people. being nice sometimes causes others to be nice back at you. that is a good feeling.

- be patient - there is no magic solution, nothing is going to change in a minute.

 

In the end, there is no "special" meaning to life. Someone I know once told me - "yeah, I know life has no meaning, but that doesn't mean I can't have some fun while I'm here, right?". He had a point. We are all JUST here. No particular reason for that. Some realizes that sooner, some later, and some never realizes that. Stop searching for a reason. Trust me, accepting my "meaningless existence" was the best thing I've ever done.

 

Sure, you might be asking yourself now "so what is the point of living on?". I can only say why I am staying:

- feelings. mostly feelings for my family. I know how they will feel when I'm gone, and I don't want that.

- instinct. we develop the instinct to survive way before we learn to think (and experience pain). that's why it is easier to stay alive. easier is a key factor here.

- curiosity. I want to see what will happen in my future. plain curiosity is not a lot, but it is something...

- force of habbit.

- enjoying the little things in life, like reading, watching movies, playing games, sports, etc. - none is enough, but each contributes a little.

- don't fear pain so much. our brain adapts to anything. for example, when you turn on some loud noise, it is very loud at first, but later it seems to bother you less and less. that's because our brain adapts to it. trust me, it works for pain too. you get used to it.

 

I really hope that you will decide to hang on. As I've been there before, I know talking can help, so keep on talking...

Whatever you decide, always remember that life is full of surprises, and are very interesting (although very painful). And also - the lower we are, the better are the chances of things to get better... and that's plain mathematics now!

 

(P.S. I just wrote this down and posted it, so there might be some mistakes, and a little mess too, sorry...)

 

Best of luck,

 

Xavier w.