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Why do I push him away?!


stranded247

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My boyfriend annoyed me as yesterday I was meant to see him but he cancelled last minute because he was ill but then arranged to see me today, he said it could only be for an hour as he was going to his friend's barbeque. And then last night at about 1am he said he missed me too much and wanted to have 'amazing sex' so he was willing to forgo the BBQ and come over to my place. So I said come over at 2pm as I had french study class before. Then this morning I got a text at about 12 saying I'm on my way. So he turned up at 1pm when I wasn't ready at all and said that he was going to go to the barbeque instead, so he'd only see me for an hour. And then we bumped into a friend who was also going to the barbeque and it was our friend who invited me to the barbeque not my boyfriend. Anyway I couldn't go due to not having any money on me. But I felt annoyed with my boyfriend and so I just wasn't able to enjoy myself with him and on top of that he couldn't kiss me because he had a soar throat. So I just felt more inclined to be colder towards him because he'd messed me around. And in a way I shouldn't be too mad at him because he was ill and he still wanted to see me but everytime he does something like that I find myself feeling sad around him and not able to enjoy myself so I just become aloof towards him even though all I really want to do is be affectionate and lay in his arms. Do any of you ever do this? I wish I didn't do it because it feels like i'm throwing away time with him

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i say it's time you find someone else. break it off with him first though.

 

Why? Honestly that is no grounds for dumping him.

He isn't usually like this, the fact that he's ill and has major exams coming up has made things a little more difficult but I have no intention of breaking up with him, I love him and he loves me.

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Why? Honestly that is no grounds for dumping him.

He isn't usually like this, the fact that he's ill and has major exams coming up has made things a little more difficult but I have no intention of breaking up with him, I love him and he loves me.

 

it's gonna happen sooner or later anyway. he loves you but chooses to go to a BBQ. he's sick enough so he can only see you for an hour, but can stay at a BBQ for longer than that.

 

LOL

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Firstly - I can't understand why your bf would not have invited you to the BBQ anyway?

 

Is there anything that might help with understanding why he may not have asked you - like your telling him you were busy studying & broke also?

 

Outside of other info. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like he just wanted a quick "one off" for himself & then to go have fun with his day. And it isn't nice at all to say "I'm h*orny now so I will cancel my plans to have sex with you". Where if he wasn't "H" he didn't want to spend the time with you?

 

In the end it seems like he thought he could have the best of both worlds. Sex and the BBQ. So he'd do it with you & say "see ya" & off to his evening without even asking you if you'd like to go (if it wasn't discussed prior)? It must have been embarrassing for you when his friend was the one to ask you if you were going.

 

 

I shouldn't be too mad at him because he was ill and he still wanted to see me

 

?? You may want to consider that he was perfectly willing to go to the BBQ when not feeling well... Sadly, I'm not sure it was about missing you entirely... It doesn't seem he wanted to spend the evening with you but only as long as it took to have some physical pleasure.

 

but everytime he does something like that I find myself feeling sad around him and not able to enjoy myself

 

Does he do things like that often? It's hard to say "what is what" here in the bigger picture but for this one incident - I would be feeling unappreciated & upset about it if I were in your shoes also...

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it's gonna happen sooner or later anyway. he loves you but chooses to go to a BBQ. he's sick enough so he can only see you for an hour, but can stay at a BBQ for longer than that.

 

LOL

 

He wanted me to come but I couldn't go to the BBQ and it's the last time he's being let out until june because of exams so he wanted to see his friends too. No he was sick on friday and is better today but still under the weather.

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Yeah he said to me 'are you sure you don't wanna come?' And I told him I couldn't because I was broke.

 

Well no he didn't want to just have a quick one off because we met up and went to the park and the only physical thing we did was hug each other.

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He wanted me to come but I couldn't go to the BBQ and it's the last time he's being let out until june because of exams so he wanted to see his friends too. No he was sick on friday and is better today but still under the weather.

 

Stranded - you are telling a bit of a different story now. First you say he didn't ask you at all & his friend did only, & now, that he wanted you to go. It doesn't say much if he said he wanted you to go after you got upset that he never asked you, if that is what happened.

 

If you are defending his actions then what is it that you are upset about?

 

Something intuitively in you is/was upset about the way this whole thing was handled. If everything he did was okay with you, you wouldn't be questioning it & sharing on it the way that you are.

 

Are you questioning whether you should be upset over this or not?

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Stranded - you are telling a bit of a different story now. First you say he didn't ask you at all & his friend did only, & now, that he wanted you to go. It doesn't say much if he said he wanted you to go after you got upset that he never asked you, if that is what happened.

 

If you are defending his actions then what is it that you are upset about?

 

Something intuitively in you is/was upset about the way this whole thing was handled. If everything he did was okay with you, you wouldn't be questioning it & sharing on it the way that you are.

 

Are you questioning whether you should be upset over this or not?

 

Sorry I obviously didn't explain clearly enough. Firstly our friend whom we bumped into said 'oh you should come!' and then my boyfriend was like 'yeah come!' And then just before my boyfriend left he asked if I was really sure I didn't want to come and he pulled a sad face when I said I couldn't.

 

I don't think you understand. I didn't post a thread saying 'lets analyse how my boyfriend is a jerk'. I was asking if any of you ever pushed people away? But no one has actually responded to my question instead everyone is just pointing out how awful my boyfriend is. I'm defending him because I know he's a very good and caring boyfriend who always looks out for me, checks i'm home safe, randomly tells me how much he loves me, is faithful, buys me gifts and will never let me pay for anything, invites me to dinner with his family, showers me with compliments and as soon as anyone does anything wrong to me or says anything he will rush to my side and defend me. If that's not a decent boyfriend then I don't know what is. Because he is like this 95% of the time I can afford to overlook occasional faults like this. I'm not giving up on him just for one annoying thing.

 

Yes I'm upset because I didn't get to see him for long and because he messed me around but I don't for one moment believe that this is some huge red flag or grounds to break up on.

 

I'm not questioning whether I should be upset over this. I'm questioning why I sometimes push him away and if anyone else does that? But no one has actually answered my question.

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To me, its obvious.

You wanted things one way, and they didn't go that way.

Your disapointement and upset is showing in your actions.

You may want to be affectionate and enjoy the time you do have, but there's an underlying upset and disapointement towards him, and that prevents you from being affectionate.

The disapointement of the situation is taking effect. Its hard to be affectionate and lovey dovey when you're upset and disapointed.

I think its almost..normal.

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I'm not questioning whether I should be upset over this. I'm questioning why I sometimes push him away and if anyone else does that? But no one has actually answered my question.

 

It came more accross in your initial message that you were upset with him & the whole picture was not clear. I see what you are getting at now.

 

It's difficult to say because at first it seemed you might be upset because he didn't ask you to go, etc. but he did ask you.

 

If you say he is amazing 95% of the time but has these what you again call faults from this last time around (so I'm confused a little again) then hey - 95% is an awesome number to work with.

 

We will have tough times with anyone we date & everyone we date has faults (including our own selves of course)...

 

If you want not to push him away whenever you feel hurt - the key is sharing your feelings, but in a kind, non defensive, neutral way. And secondly, just making the conscious effort in doing a different behavior than you always have.

 

You could say something like - "I feel bad that I am not getting to spend the time with you that I want to & that makes me feel like pushing you away" but I'm telling you that this time instead of doing it. Just share & then do a different behavior. Do not do what you are normally inclined to do or go where you emotions are pulling you.

 

When I have done this it has changed the energy & outcomes around things & situations completely like night & day...

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I think basically you need to put yourself in his shoes.

How would you feel if you wanted to go to a BBQ but your bf got sulky? How would you feel if he got mad b.c you cared enough not to want to give him a sore throat and refused to hug you/be affectionate in other ways?

 

I do think you're pushing him away with this behaviour, while he isn't perfect either. We all make mistakes. The trick is not making them over and over.

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I think basically you need to put yourself in his shoes.

How would you feel if you wanted to go to a BBQ but your bf got sulky? How would you feel if he got mad b.c you cared enough not to want to give him a sore throat and refused to hug you/be affectionate in other ways?

 

I do think you're pushing him away with this behaviour, while he isn't perfect either. We all make mistakes. The trick is not making them over and over.

 

Yeah you're right, don't worry though I wasn't too sulky towards him and did hug him just somewhat reluctantly :S. I sulked once he left mostly.

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