really need advice on what to do,please help!

[hisgirl0507]

still feel like crap,couldnt get back to sleep for worrying.The morning is the worst time.Im really tempted to email him again,just want him to contact me and let me know whats going on,what hes thinking.i just cant shake this feeling,i dont think il settle down until hes contacted me.im wondering if hes maybe on holiday.Please dont think that ive not listened to all your advice,i have taken it all in and am going to act on it but right now its hard cos all of a sudden after constact contact hes stopped and i dont know why.I really want to see or at least speak to him before i go home as im scared it might be the last time.How do i stop feeling like this?

[Cat76]

Yes low self esteem is definitely a problem with me.i think part of the problem is i dont know my lifes purpose,ive had jobs but no career,therefore no goals to work towards.i have considered going to therapy to talk through my issues but there is a very long waiting list.im quite interested in cognitive behavioural therapy as i think it would help me think about things more positively.im 23 and hes 29 by the way.

 

Hiya

 

I feel/felt exactly the same. I feel like I don't have an identity because I focus too much attention on making other people happy and accomodating them and also depending on other people to make me happy (which doesn't work).

 

Over the last 2 years and more specifically the last few weeks (since my split), I have tried to do things for me and work on my goals, and it's hard because it is changing the way I've been all my life. It is also a slow process, there is no magic cure unfortunately. There are also setbacks, but it's about how you deal with the setbacks that counts.

 

I see an occupational therapist and have used and will be using CBT. I luckily got it through my GP. Is there any chance you could do it privately?

 

There are also some good self help (hate that phrase) out there, which is the cheaper alternative.

 

Try and stay positive

[hisgirl0507]

i emailed my ex again yesterday just explaining that im leaving and still have his stuff and would like to see him before i go.......no reply.This was to his work email,havent told him this to his home email,im thinking he is probably off work and maybe this is why theres been no reply,he should be back to work on Sunday so il see if hear from him then and if i dont then il worry.Until then im back to nc and trying to stop obsessing about all this,i think i will hear from him eventually but its just the waiting and not knowing why i havent up til now,just seems unlike him.

[hisgirl0507]

i cant settle until he contacts me,im trying and trying to get hold of him,making myself look like a bunny boiler who hes probably now freaked out by and probs doesnt want to speak to me again.

 

i really wish i knew why he wasnt replying,if he could just reply and tell me either way at least id know.i just cant accept this and cant settle,probably will be like this until next week....and then i might be even worse if i still havent heard from him.

 

why is he doing this,i know you all say its cos he doesnt want to and cos hes knows im still here but its not like him,he always emails when hes at work.i hope its just cos hes been off or something.

 

someone please tell me how to get this off my mind? How can i stop thinking about it? Somebody please help me.

 

and does it sound to you guys like he wont contact again? Or do you think hes maybe just been busy? what other reasons could there be for this?

[tujna]

hisgirl,

 

I have seen your posts and know about your situation and how you feel. You HAVE to understand one thing: you HAVE TO STOP. STOP!! He is not worth it. I know how much you love him but this is not what matters in the situation. You will go insane if you go on like that. He never had any intent to work on the relationship: he wants to have his girlfriend and have you for sex.

 

There is only one thing you can do and this is to stop. You think you cannot, but you can. I was in the same way mad about my ex, for 7 years, I would do everything for us and never imagined not calling him. Last time, about a month ago, I gave him many calls and he didn't pick up. Then I stopped for a month and there he is calling me and sneaking to see what I am doing. Also, I am in the same situation like you, not so many friends around in a new town. Try to talk to family and friends on the phone if you don't want to move yet.

 

If nothing gives you motivation to stop, just think that the only way for him to start calling is if you stop, pretend that you have moved on even if you haven't. Only then he will call and look for you. Believe me, in your situation, this is the only thing you can do. Everyone has told you this.

 

You will be fine but you need to stop, after only 2 weeks you will be so much stronger. Just try it. You are not going to lose him by not calling because you have nothing to lose!!

[hisgirl0507]

Thanks for your advice.I know i really do need to stop and take a step back now.Its just so hard when i dont have any explanation for why he hasnt replied,im just really worried.If i heard from him id be fine.

 

But i am driving myself mad,ive wasted 2 years of my life obsessing over him.I dont want him out of my life but i do need to take a step back and try to let go of him.Its so hard thinking he might never contact me again and i dont know why,although hopefully that wont be the case,but for now i just need to try and let go and focus on me rather than letting the situation mess with my head.Ive sent him many email explaining how i feel and its up to him now,he will read at least one of them at 1 point im sure.

[hisgirl0507]

Managed to go a whole day yesterday without contacting my ex.Although im still hoping i will hear from him at some point next week and am still really worried.But am starting to get used to the idea of the thought that we probably will not get back together,i would still like to keep in touch with him though.Its a shame im not hearing from him cos il be gone in 2 weeks and we couldve been making the most of the time we have left together but theres still next week to go i suppose.Just trying not to think about him til Sunday and keep myself busy til then.Also been looking into what careers i could get into so ive got more of a plan and goals to work on so i dont feel so lost in my life.Just dreading all the questions from everyone when i go home about what happened,theyre all such gossips.Still looking for jobs down here too though,although ive been having much luck and dont understand what more i can do,a bit scared that il get kicked out anyway.Just hope he contacts me next week to just put my mind at ease a bit.

[Sheba]

Is it that you are now concerned for his physically safety? Can't you ring a friend or relative of his to check that he's alive and kicking? Can't you ring his work place?

[hisgirl0507]

Hes just emailed me,my hearts pounding......he was on holiday abroad,probably with her as its her birthday!Im so relieved but at the same time all these things are now going through my mind..even wondering if he proposed to her,he obviously loves her more than i thought when hes taking her on holiday.Im so jealous its horrible.He says he will email me later cos hes jet lagged right now.

 

So what should i do now,reply or make him suffer a bit?

[Sheba]

Hes just emailed me,my hearts pounding......he was on holiday abroad,probably with her as its her birthday!Im so relieved but at the same time all these things are now going through my mind..even wondering if he proposed to her,he obviously loves her more than i thought when hes taking her on holiday.Im so jealous its horrible.He says he will email me later cos hes jet lagged right now.

 

So what should i do now,reply or make him suffer a bit?

 

 

Honey, that is ironic. there is no way you could make him suffer. He is making you suffer.

 

He didn't even have the decency to tell you about his holiday plans? We all know that he has no respect for you, but even that takes the biscuit.

 

I have to say, it's shocking the way you are letting him treat you. You're like the loyal dog, going to the table for scraps and munching on them readily when he drops them from his plate whilst he's there smiling over the candles with the woman he really loves.

 

I have to use a cold, stark analogy because us posters here so want you to cut him loose and just go.

 

One day you'll look back and not believe that you allowed yourself to be used like a sex slave for so long. I just hope you keep to your promise and move from there next week. Please.

[hisgirl0507]

so i definitely shouldnt reply even if i wait?if i do reply what do you think would happen?

[hisgirl0507]

The past few days my ex has been emailing me lots,even calling and emailing at 4 this morning. This is good but i think why the sudden change,i think maybe since ive got control back cos he senses im letting go.Maybe hes been doing some thinking and maybe missed me while he was on holiday.

 

So ive just sent him an email saying that he needs to decide what he wants,to stay with his girlfriend or get back together with me. I said if he decides to stay with her we can stay friends but we have to stop having sex.It hurt me to say it cos hes been making an effort the past couple of says so i feel bad but i need to know how he feels.

 

Do you think this was the right move?

[BeOptimistic]

You are joking, right? Is this a wind up thread?

 

You have all the answers you could possibly want in the thread.

[hisgirl0507]

well he called me and ive got my answer from the horses mouth,i know you all told me but i had to hear it from him.he said he thinks im right(basically he wants her)but tried to still talk about sex,i ended up telling him to just have some respect for me and not try it on when he sees me.im definitely moving on now,i cant do it anymore,it hurts too much.

[BeOptimistic]

well he called me and ive got my answer from the horses mouth,i know you all told me but i had to hear it from him.he said he thinks im right(basically he wants her)but tried to still talk about sex,i ended up telling him to just have some respect for me and not try it on when he sees me.im definitely moving on now,i cant do it anymore,it hurts too much.

 

 

I sincerely apologise for my last post. I guess it just hurts me to read of what you're going through.

 

Like someone else suggested, it might actually help ease your short term pain if you saw him before you leave, but once you do make sure that those around you fill your time so that you are kept strong. I wish you all the best.