do the rules change if the girl has low self-esteem

[le_sex]

i just found out my ex dumped me because i had some female friends, this girl had problems with an alcoholic father but im starting to see that this girl has very low self esteem.

 

she recently has been sending me viscous jealous messages and thinking back on our first few dates this girl said things which really indicate a person with low self-esteem.

 

i do love this girl really i do on one hand i wont allow myself to be treated without respect by this girl but i want her to know i love her and would take her back, do the rules change in cases like this?

[Girl wants EX]

your message is not clear to me.

[ellandroader]

If the rules changing mean that you tolerate all kinds of emotional abuse, interrogation and the consequential 'push-pull' mind games that only a person with LSE will employ, then no. The rules shouldn't change. What have you done to deserve it?

 

It is somewhat dishonest if somebody knowingly brings baggage into a relationship that they know will affect the dynamic of it. Not saying that people with a past are bad, but if they are at a point where they have to control you, it's not fair on you and the onus is on them to sort it out. It's not your battle to fight.

 

On the other hand, if your feelings are strong enough for each other, and she wants to resolve things then the situation changes.

[le_sex]

what i should have mentioned is she, like I comes from an abusive home and where she is, is were i was a few years ago before my confidence was back to normal so i do love this girl deeply as i see her fighting a struggle and i think if i show understanding this could bring us closer.

[ellandroader]

In that case, the call is yours. You have to understand though that even though you are understanding and supportive, if they are not willing to work through it, she cannot change. One person cannot change another, at least not in this type of situation. I have every sympathy for somebody coming out of that situation, it can't have been easy for her.

 

Emotional abuse can be damaging (I say this because I have been on the receiving end) and in my case, the person was in denial or too stubborn to do anything about it. They could see what it was doing but I was somehow at fault whenever we had a conflict. I left with my confidence destroyed and feeling pretty hurt indeed.

 

In the end, in a relationship especially, the person has to be willing to change not just for themselves, but for others around them. Because no matter what way you frame it, hurting someone else is never fair.

[le_sex]

thanks for the reply glad to see your doing so well after an ordeal like that im just pulling through myself, the thing is after what she went through i can understand her actions (not justify them), which makes it a bit easier to take. maybe it means were more soul mates then girl friend boyfriend materiel.

[le_sex]

and just to say your story is very familiar its a common tactic of emotional abusers to make their own problems everyone elses.

[ellandroader]

If I had an issue, it was never "I am sorry for making you feel like this". It was always "I knew you would react like this". As if to say "I will do what I want and if you don't like it, then it's your fault".

 

It's a tough place to be in and to walk away takes a lot of resolve. I didn't want to do it but there was no other choice, unless I sold myself, my values and my hard earned self-respect (I didn't have the easiest childhood either).

 

Good luck to you, you're doing great so far.