My partners confused, I`m confused, we both need help!!!!!!

[abraxys]

Have been going out with my girlfriend, jacqueline, for 7 months now. When we first started going out I thought there was something a bit strange about her.

 

Found out recently that she has an obsession with her female lecturer, who has a boyfriend already. I love my girlfriend but I`m finding that our relationship is being destroyed by this obsession. She sees her every day almost at college, and has openly admitted to me when she plays with her vibrator she thinks about having sex with her lecturer.

 

Jacqueline tells me that nothing would ever happen between them but the obsession is getting so bad that we argued outside a pub because she thought I was being too lovable. She had been cold when I tried to kiss her and tell her my feelings for her. In actual fact the problem was with her lecturer.

 

Does Jacqueline tell her how she feels, and then leave college?, Does she not say anything and let it destroy her inside emotionally? Would the lecturer feel the same for her and ruin her career in college for a student?

 

Meanwhile I don`t know what to do. Its starting to affect me at work and also at university. I can`t concentrate because Jacqueline is unhappy.

 

She`s going on a trip to Ireland shortly and the lecturer will be there. She`s afraid of going but doesn`t want to tell her. I`ve asked Jacqueline that if she wants, she can get to know the lecturer better, and, say if something did happen between them, then I will be happy for her. I just want to let her know that I`m there for her no matter what she does.

 

Although we are a couple, and have never cheated on each other, she has told me that nothing will ever happen between them. But, if its the way of the world, then, something is going to click. And NOTHING is going to stop that.

 

I REALLY don`t know what to do. CAN ANYONE HELP PLEASE, PLEASE !

[Ash]

To be honest, it does sound like you're being very noble and supportive of your girlfriend.

 

It can be very difficult to be with somebody who's head appears to be elsewhere, may it be same sex or not.

 

The big question I'd be asking myself is how do the two of you feel about each other? Does she still want to stay with you regardless of what happens? Who does she know nothing would happen between her and her lecturer?

 

As far as her talking to her lecturer about this, it's similar to any other relationship issue. You either decide to take the chance, or you don't. If she's willing to take the chance, and see what happens, she might first have to realize it may mean the end of you and her. If she tries to put the whole thing aside, she'll be struggling with herself. Truthfully, I really don't envy her position at all. She's the one to make a tough decision.

 

Best you can do I suspect, is be good and nice to her. Be everything she needs you to be. If you think you can live with her actually having something happen with this lecturer, that's okay too, although many would think you were crazy for staying with her, I see that as being somewhat judgemental. One on one relationships are not always for everybody, and it really depends on the people involved as to what is truly acceptable. I suspect though, regardless of how you think you might feel, you will be somewhat hurt if something did happen between the two of them.

 

Good luck

[abraxys]

Thanks for your reply.

 

We are going to Egypt on saturday so I`m going to discuss this then. It`ll be the perfect time as we are both very relaxed and free from the normal everyday stresses of work/college/uni etc.

 

I feel exactly the same when you asked the question, How does she know nothing will happen with the lecturer. She`s basically said that a fellow lecturer, who is also on the college trip with jacqueline, won`t let the lecturer throw away her career for a student. But I think if something is gong to happen, it will, and nothing is going to stop it.

 

She`s trying to put the whiole issue aside just now. My girlfriend wants to leave college altogether. I`ve told her that it would be a waste, not now that she`s come so far in her course. She can`t give college up, because I`m sure she`ll regret it later in life. I`ve suggested transferring college to finish her studies.

 

I think she secretly realises, that, if something does happen between her and her lecturer it will be goodbye for me. I`ve always told her that I can`t compete with another woman for her affections. I feel useless.

 

It is hurting me already just thinking about my girlfriend and the lecturer together, in Ireland. A part of me just wants to back off of her, so if something does happen then, the hurt won`t be as bad. But, if I do that, then I`ll might inadvertently help make her mind up to dump me as I`ve suddenly gone cold. The other part of me wants me to fight for her and be everything I can be for her, to prove my feelings outright.

 

I JUST DONT KNOW!!!!!!!!!

 

Hopefully things will be ironed out a little better when we come back from Egypt.

 

Cheers

[Ash]

Well, hopefully when you take a break in Egypt, your girlfriend can but the whole thing aside, not form the view of leaving college, but more from the view of getting past this crush on her lecturer. Same as for hetero relationships, if you tell yourself it can't be enough times, and take a break away from things entirely, quite often emotions can shift and change.

 

She shouldn't give up college, or even switch colleges because of this. If she doesn't face it head on, it'll get the better of her. If she'd actually consider moving on though, wouldn't a far better step be do drop the course this lecturer teaches, and pick it up again next year? Yes, it may mess up the timetable, but at least it's a way of not throwing her hands up and giving up over it completely.

 

If you do back off your girlfriend, it won't necessarily send her away from you toward this other person. You can do this without being cold, and you can still be supportive at the same time.

 

All aside, like you say, focus on this Egypt trip, but be careful not to turn it exclusively into an emotional therapy session. Have fun too without thinking about relationship issues.

[abraxys]

Looking forward to Egypt trip, IMMENSELY!!

 

Gonna take your advice.

 

Thankyou for your help, you`ve been very supportive.

 

Will e-mail again, after the Egypt trip to update you.

 

Abraxys

[abraxys]

Well, returned from Egypt and what a strange holiday it was.

Instead of the two of us talking about the problem with the lecturer we were ill with food poisoning!!!!!!!! 5 days rain, with two days sunshine made the holiday a bit of a washout. We were too busy being concerned about ourselves , than to worry about the problems back home.

 

Anyway its been a few weeks since we returned and alot has happened. My partners obsession with her lecturer has become much worse. So much so she was going to dump me to follow her obsession. Thankfully her friends managed to talk her out of this. Consequentially, she has now given up the college course. She tells me that if we are to have a proper try at this relationship she doesn`t want her obsession to get in the way of us. She handed in a letter to her lecturer telling her why exactly she was leaving.....because of her.

 

She now talks about the lecturer alot. I feel I`m helpless right now, as I can`t do anything to help her. Even she has said that. She wonders if her gay feelings will resurface later on in her life. She also wants to know what her lecturer thought about the intimate letter she wrote her. Its the not knowing thats making her think about the lecturer 24-7 right now.

 

She now wants me to move in with her. The reason being that she says she`s let go of somone she really loves and now doesn`t want to let the other person in her life that she cares about leave either. I`m dubious right now. What if she were to meet another female who is attainable? Will I have to leave the house if she told me that she is fully lesbian, and not bisexual? What would it do to my head, if this were to happen in the coming years??

 

Can anyone help explain? She wants to talk to someone who has been there already, to ask their advice, but the problem is, I can only empathise, her friends can only do the same. We`re both lost!!!!!!