.my journal for now.

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I think i need a place to write some things out. I'm not feeling ready to do it now, but I just wanted to start here. I will come back in a little while

 

edit: I thought i could do it, but i can't. I can't say anything...

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I feel completely ruined I wish I could describe how disgusting i truly feel.

This is why...this is exactly why i'm in this situation.

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I am realizing how damaging that situation really was for me. But, I don't understand why. It's something that can happen at any moment; it happens to many people. But, why did it cause me this much pain? Ever since then, i've been struggling and feeling anxious. I feel like someone has taken sand-paper to my insides; i feel bruised. It wasn't just that situation, it was also what was happening with my father at the time. I was very scared for him,--and i literally just started crying right at this moment. Truly, all i needed was to be left in peace...that would have made the greatest difference for me. I would have been able to work through my worries without having to think about this pathetic and arrogant stranger. Why couldn't you just leave me alone, it would have meant the world to me. No curse word can help me express how much anger i hold against you.

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As helpful as coming to Ena can be, I sometimes find that i feel much more depressed after reading some of the posts for some reason. Sometimes people will respond to questions in ways that can throw me off emotionally. It's not that people have been rude or anything like this, i think it's just that some things shock me and make me worry a lot. I start to feel more cynical and pessimistic after reading certain things here I don't know..

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Last night I had an interesting dream that left me feeling a bit unsettled as I was waking up..i just thought i would write about it. I know that some people don't place much importance on dreams, but I find that they do sometimes reflect what we are experiencing emotionally/psychologically. A few years ago, I used to have certain recurring dreams that seemed very relevant to what I was going through, so i guess I've always been interested in analyzing them a little bit.

 

So, I don't remember the entire dream, but mostly little 'scenes' from it. I was in this sort of store..but it felt a little bit like a house. I think I was there with two friends, but i didn't interact with them very much. I think there was a woman working in there who was kind of like a fortune teller. My friends and I were supposed to sit in front of her and she was supposed look at each one of us and tell us something about our lives. I think she began speaking with one of my friends, and before she could reach me, I had decided to walk away and leave the room (which reflects my real attitude towards fortune tellers; i would not consult one lol). I felt tempted to stay and ask her to tell me something specific about the past rather than the future..but I ended up walking away because i thought it would do more harm than good. At some point, I encountered this older man..he was probably in his late 60s or very early

70s. I don't really know how we started having a conversation, but he had told me that he worked in this place, and that he was very trapped. He seemed really sad and helpless, and I felt sadness as well. I told him that I was sure he could find something that would be more fulfilling for him to do, but he told me that there was nothing to do, and he just felt 'trapped'..that's the main word I remember him using. While speaking with him, i noticed that we were being watched by someone with very strange eyes - it was very frightening. At this point, I just wanted to leave this place..i felt like staying there would be harmful (there was a very malicious vibe in this place). But a part of me wanted to return to help the older man as well. I don't really remember what happened after that, but what impacted me the most was my conversation with the older man..he was really sad but somewhat resigned to his situation. That's all that i can remember, i think.

 

I sometimes visit the site 'link removed' for fun and this is what i found: ''To see an old man in your dream, represents wisdom or forgiveness. The old man may be a archetypal figure who is offering guidance to some daily problem.''

 

The man in this dream...although he was sad and seemed helpless, i felt that he was very honest and maybe trying to warn me; i don't think he wanted me to stay in that place. He wasn't asking for/wanting any help, but i could relate to his feelings and i wanted him to be safe.

 

I know that sometimes, the people we see in our dreams can also represent aspects of ourselves (even seeing friends, family, etc). I could relate a lot to the sadness that this man was feeling...feeling trapped as well. : [

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I know that i won't be coherent...my thoughts seem all mixed up right now.

I was thinking to myself (i've been thinking this for a long time) that, I wish that people did not have to feel ashamed or be ridiculed for not being as 'experienced' as others when it comes to romance or sex. I'm one of the less 'experienced' people. I have kissed, but i have not done much more than this. Not one person in my life has ever made me feel embarrassed for this. A few of my friends have been sexually active for a while, but none of them have said anything to me - never made me feel uncomfortable. But on the internet, i have read some of the strangest, most judgemental things on the subject of virginity. The people who write these things - why don't these people just go away? lol. If you are so satisfied with your own sex life, why on earth do you care if someone has not had sex? Wow, i've read so many ignorant comments on this topic (i feel like making a list, but it may depress me all over again). A lot of times I have cried about this. I cried because, as much as those things have angered me, my confidence isn't the strongest. I then asked myself: Am i supposed to feel guilty just because i have not had sex yet? Am i supposed to feel worthless because I haven't had many relationships? It's such a low feeling to have. Aside from all of the other issues that i worry about, I am supposed to punish myself for this as well? These feelings were weighing down on me for quite a while..but within the last few months I decided to stop feeling bad about this, because there isn't truly anything to feel bad about. I want to experience it very much with someone that i love. If this is wrong of me, i'd like to know why, lol. I'm not naive. I understand that the first time someone has sex it's not 'perfect', it could be be extremely awkward, among other things. Knowing me, it will be awkward - but i'd rather feel awkward and nervous in the arms of someone that I love. If i don't meet someone, what do you think i should do? Should I have sex with someone that i know does not really want to be with me? I think that would only cause me more pain and worry.

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I feel so miserable right now

 

I've been paying attention to my eating recently, and i've also been exercising a lot more than I used to. I can see that i'm beginning to lose a little weight and that makes me feel good...

but tonight i'm going to end up eating the very things that I have been trying to avoid. I know, it's not a good idea. I take full responsibility.

Everything hurts...

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I don't know if i should be coming to Ena anymore. Sometimes after reading certain things, i instantly slip into a downward spiral. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety on and off for some time, and i know that so many people here deal with this too - but for some reason, coming here seems to make things worst for me. I don't know if others experience this as well, but basically here is what happens:

I read a post that someone has made (either a question or a reply to a thread). Sometimes, something in that post triggers a fear or insecurity that i have been dealing with for some time (but trying to move on from). I have no problem with people writing what they like, it's my own emotions and reactions that frighten me and cause me to suffer. My family witnesses this, and they see how sad i can become after reading something. I have been told over and over again to not read into things too much for my own good - but for some reason i have difficulty refraining from doing this. This is seriously not good for my health. I start to experience chest pains and i'm unable to take deep breaths. I feel like something in my chest will explode. I'm so scared This does not happen all of the time, but it has happened today, and i've been suffering for several hours.

Ena is really one of the most secure places i have found, but if coming here does this to me..maybe i won't be able to come here anymore. Until i can work through my worries and anxiety, maybe i should take a break

God,

i am terrified.

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I am still thinking about whether i should continue to come here or not..i'm not really sure.

 

 

 

I have been working on returning to what i considered to be an ideal weight for myself, but this is the very beginning, still.

I have lost 2 or 3 pounds so far, but i felt a bit discouraged today : (.

I have a bag full of old pairs of jeans that i no longer wear, and I remembered one of those jeans in particular because they were always a bit too loose on me. I used to wear them to school at times, but i always thought they didn't look too flattering, since they didn't really hug my body properly (not sure if that is the correct way to put it). I tried them on today, and they're actually a bit too tight now. My legs seem to look okay, but i can't actually zip the jeans up all of the way.

I am seriously wondering if my perception is inaccurate right now.

I had been feeling good about starting to lose some weight, and in the mirror i can easily see that i am starting to change. But trying on those jeans was a bit disappointing. I was expecting them to be tight, but not to the point where i can't zip them up lol. These were the same jeans that used to hide my shape..now they're the 'bootylicious', curve-hugging jeans ? lol. Curve- choking jeans : P.

I don't get it...am i perhaps a lot more heavy than i imagine? Maybe i have gotten so used to my weight-gain that i don't accurately remember what my body looked like before?

I don't mean to sound obsessive about this.

I will keep working on this, though. I will be doing some exercise right now..

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dedicated to him:

I can assure you that you will be the one who chases me.

I've humiliated myself enough..

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Oh no, this is not good

For the past few nights, i've been feeling very hungry (hours after i've had supper). I always have cravings for something salty at night, but i generally crave a bit of everything lol. I miss having chips once in a while, or muffins/cakes. : [.

I have to be really careful now, because it's so easy to slip and allow myself to go backwards when it comes to all of this. Ahhh!

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I'm not really sure how things are right now..I guess i am just trying to feel okay.

I have written about the fact that reading certain posts tends to make me feel more worried or depressed at times. Well, today I noticed that someone wrote something pretty judgemental and insulting towards the original poster of a thread (about a topic that i think about, and have mentioned in one of my journal entries), and the good thing is that it did not really bother me so much. I was a bit frustrated, but i mostly felt like laughing at the fool, lol.

In the past, reading a comment like that could have hurt me much more. I did write a brief response to that comment..and I left it at that. But wow, the arrogance...

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I'm so hungry..

I had supper a little while ago, and now i'm hungry again I ate a little bit of fruit to see if it would help my cravings, but it doesn't seem to be enough.

I really am craving sweets, not anything nutritious. That's the truth.

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I finally allowed myself to have some sweets yesterday lol..(cookies that are not too high in calories / fat). Okay, that's not all - I ate a little bit of chocolate last week But overall i think i'm still eating well and trying my best to exercise as much as I can. I'm going to step on the scale, but i've learned that it's not so reliable. *shrugs*.

Aside from this, i'm still trying to feel okay..

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There are a few other things that are worrying me, but i'm feeling down about my weight right now..

I'm just so confused by my own body right now. I decided to try on a few more pairs of pants that I used to wear..and with each one, i would think out loud, "Okay, these might not be too bad". I was wrong; with each pair, i had difficulty zipping it up.

I don't really know what's going on. The last couple of years have been really difficult for me emotionally and psychologically, and i think this has had a greater impact on my body and metabolism than i had initially realized. I have no idea anymore. My mom is arguing with me, telling me that i'm being unrealistic and that i should not even be expecting to fit into my old pants at this point. It takes time, I know. She doesn't ever put me down about this, and she tells me often that i look healthy. She just wants me to take things slowly, be more patient.

But, I used to be able to lose weight pretty quickly. I have no real answers..i am thinking that all of this (depression and anxiety) has created a much larger mess than I thought. ](*,)

 

edit: I am trying my best. I eat sooo much healthier than i used to. I pay attention to calories. I exercise as much as I can. I drink plenty of water. I do have a lot of cravings, but i try my best to push them aside. I don't have any junk food around the house.

I've thought about this, and losing ten pounds would be perfect for me right now. Just ten pounds would take me back to my ideal/comfortable weight. It's so much more challenging than it used to be.

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randomness:

I am on the search for a perfume/fragrance. I've never really been able to find a perfume that is gentle enough for me to use. So many scents are too strong for me and make me feel a bit sick. Many perfumes that have been described as sweet tend to still be so strong for me. All that i seem to smell is the alcohol, while other people pick up on the actual notes in the fragrance lol. I shall keep looking.

I do have one that isn't too bad (definitely not as strong as some others), but i'm still testing it out..

and trying to see if i can become used to it.

 

 

 

 

 

Today was really difficult but i don't know if i can write about it right now

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...............

 

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I am a fool. I'm close to giving up on everything, my heart feel so strained. I don't feel like believing in anything anymore.

It's okay, it seems like everything has always been perfectly placed around me to ensure a life of depression. I try so hard to be positive. I am constantly fighting these battles inside of my mind. I am trying to get the last word. I feel like walking away from everything.

 

(deleted everything in between, but all i can say is that i was feeling very cynical about everything)

 

 

i'm falling apart.

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oops, will try re-posting

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i will try again later, i don't know

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I'm feeling pretty scared tonight. I've been feeling really sad for most of today. I created a thread a few hours ago concerning my troubles with anxiety. It's really hard for me to do certain activities or go to certain places without fearing that I will panic, or that i will get lost. The day that i walk into a movie theater, choose my seat and enjoy a movie..that would be a good day (doesn't make sense here, but it's all in my thread lol). I will have accomplished something, as small as it may sound.

Anxiety can really create a nightmare out of something so simple at times.

I have friends that will be coming back in town possibly this week - and i'm so scared. I haven't seen them in several months. I want to see them, but i still feel very nervous, and it kind of adds so much stress that shouldn't even be present in the first place. I don't go out enough. I used to go out a lot more often..even if it was just for a simple walk. I used to go for walks a lot, my favorite time to do it was in the evening, or at night. But now, well - i have trouble doing it sometimes. I know that sounds horrible. When i tell people this, they often ask if i've tried any medication. I have not taken anything though, so far. But i know that it sounds pretty severe in my case, right?

I'm just scared, and i feel a lot pain right now.

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i'm scared

..

the fact that it's summer time actually makes it worst. I'm already coughing..

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This is such a silly reason to feel down.. I think that i am mostly just feeling anxious for tomorrow, though..

I finally purchased a new camera today, and for now it seems to be working well. The only problem is that so far, every single picture that i have taken of myself looks terrible : (. I lost most of my pictures (pics of family, friends, myself) when my old computer went a little bit crazy..and i had been so excited to start taking a lot of new ones. I look awful in every picture. I was trying my best to adjust the settings and everything,,but i guess i am still figuring it out. I know how strange it seems to be upset over this, but i think the problem is that i had really been looking forward to this. Sometimes i rely too much on one small thing like this to cheer myself up a little bit. ](*,)

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It has already started, I feel very sick to my stomach.

I don't know what i'm going to do in a few hours. I need to eat something, but I don't even know if i will be able to hold it in. Many times, my anxiety causes me to come close to vomiting. Why does this happen.. i'm so tired.

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So I got through yesterday, and things went pretty well. I tried my best to deal with the anxiety. I know that there will be another day this week where i will probably have to deal with those feelings again.

Those worries often come rushing back in, soon after i have come back home; it's the way it seems to work You would think that my mind would say: "Hey, you can do it again next time without feeling so afraid." I'm not sure why, but it doesn't work that way..at least not yet. I think i will have to throw myself into it over and over again. I haven't done that, and it allows my fears to regain their strength quickly.

 

One good thing is that I have been enjoying my camera much more lol. I am already a lot more used to it now, and i think i have found some good settings. : ]