Please Help Me Trust Issues

[Breaking Away]

i'm not strong- trust me- i'm using ALL of my stregnth to get through this - right now i have my anger to pull me through-

 

it has taken me months to get even where i am right now- and i can fall back in a moments notice.

 

i can strong right now because he isn't around- he is away- so its easy right now- once he gets home -it will be a different story.

 

your BF doesn't live with you and only comes by at night for sex- what exactly are you getting out of this relationship that is making you hold on?

 

i wish that he only came over at night for sex- this would be so much easier- he lives with me- we picked out the paint on the walls togehter- we bought pictures together... this was our home- this is far from easy.

 

if he only came over at night and then left- it would be so much easier

[Lynda0630]

because i have that security of him lying next to me everynight. He always makes me laugh. He knows exactly what to say and it wasn't always like this. We used to spend time together all the time. This part has changed recently and I just dont have the stregnth

[Breaking Away]

i thought our relationship was perfect too- when he first moved in i was the happpiest i had ever been in my life- i can't hold on to what it was- i have to look at what it is.

[Ms Darcy]

My dear Lynda,

 

PLEASE listen to BreakAway and everyone else. Your brain knows what you need to do; in this case, you need to ignore your heart for a while and let your logic take over. So let's approach this from a strictly logical perspective ...

 

When you first described your story in the first post, I kind of wondered if you have a history of abusive relationships in the past. After you mentioned your former husband, the current situation is, sadly, not surprising. You are very likely a co-dependent person who is mired in an emotionally abusive relationship [especially when you said "he is my everything"]. Right now, your identity is wrapped up in your ability to make him feel happy. When he's happy, you are happy. When he's angry, you are miserable.

 

Abusers can sniff out women who are more likely to take their abuse from a mile away. He knows if he accuses you of cheating (though he is likely cheating himself), he can deflect attention from his actions onto you. Now you are the one who is trying to coddle him, encourage him, and reassure him; you have given him the power in this situation.

 

Love is a noun, yes; it is a feeling and a long-lasting emotion. Love is also verb; it is the conscious choice that you make EVERYDAY to care for and support your partner in a healthy way. Yes, he may have treated you well in the past, but you cannot live on his past actions. You must live in the present and in the present he is not loving you. Additionally, your love is holding on to the dream of what you want - a gentle, kind, connected love. Again, not living in the present. It is living in denial.

 

Awareness is the first part of Breaking Away. This site link removed is just one of many resources to help you understand more about emotional abuse.

 

The next part is creating a plan. I don't believe you plan on breaking up with him tomorrow. What I suggest is starting to detach yourself little by little. I know this is hard, but you have to start. Don't allow him to only use you for physical pleasure. See him less and less often. This will definitely get a reaction out of him; he might become more loving or he might flip out. Either way, you have to stay strong and wean yourself off of him in a safe way. But don't drag that out for too long. I'm just saying this to give your heart a sort of transition time before you leave.

 

Also, talk to your family and friends. Get support. Be around other people who are healthy and loving to you. They can also help you as you talk through your feelings by giving you hugs and physical affection. You will really need that.

 

Please consider this advice. It's not easy, but you do not want to reach the same point you did in the last relationship - where he abuses you so much you hate him. You deserve better. My final and most important note is please see a therapist. It may take years to heal from what you have experienced, but professional help can really help in this process.

 

Best.

[Lynda0630]

I dont know. Im gonna leve him alone. I sent him my last text about an hour ago. I can't force him to believe and understand me. I can just hope he realizes it and comes back to me because I just love him too much. I guess this is something I will have to leave up to fate! I just want to cry so bad right now and can't because I am sitting at my desk at work

[Breaking Away]

i understand how you feel- you will get to your breaking point- and free yourself...

 

what exactly are you trying to convince him of?

[Ms Darcy]

Take a step back Lynda. Why is it your job to convince him of anything? I know this is hard, but please listen. This is not love; this is unhealthy. You don't need him.

 

Please re-read the posts.

[Lynda0630]

that im not cheating. thats im not lying. that im faithful. that i would never hurt him. that he means to much to me for that. that my love is truley unconditional for him

[Ms Darcy]

Ok. So let's say he does believe you, but he confesses that he's been cheating. What will you do?

[Lynda0630]

leave him....the one thing i do not tolerate is cheating

[Ms Darcy]

Then a few questions:

 

1. Why is ok for him to emotionally abuse you but it's not ok to cheat? What's the difference?

 

2. What would it take for you to believe that he's cheating? It sounds like you have some pretty reasonable evidence to suspect this is occurring.

 

Hang in there.

[Breaking Away]

that im not cheating. thats im not lying. that im faithful. that i would never hurt him. that he means to much to me for that. that my love is truley unconditional for him

 

omg you sound just like me- omg..

 

lynda - its a cold hard fact- you WILL NEVER convince him you aren't cheating on him - EVER ever EVER!

 

did i mention EVER?

 

read my posts of what i have been going through the last few weeks ..maybe month- you will see how bad it gets... and this isn't even the worst of it - it gets worse.

[Breaking Away]

Then a few questions:

 

1. Why is ok for him to emotionally abuse you but it's not ok to cheat? What's the difference?

 

2. What would it take for you to believe that he's cheating? It sounds like you have some pretty reasonable evidence to suspect this is occurring.

 

Hang in there.

 

she can't believe that he would be cheating - because he has himself convinced that SHE is cheating so all of her focus is on proving that SHE isn't.

 

he has completely take any responsibility off of himself and has made HER responsible for fixing the problem...

 

then he gets to be mad and upset and she gets to call and beg- and then he gets to say... "oooh alright i forgive you" and then you are relieved that he is back in your life.. and then he has gained just a little bit more control... and before you know it- you have no friends, you barely talk to your family- you are accused of screwing people walking by your car...

 

trust me- i know how you feel.

 

GET PISSED! get really really really really really really really PISSED.

[Ms Darcy]

Breaking Away,

 

This is a tough situation. But all I want to say is leave him. Good luck Lynda.

[Breaking Away]

its very hard to walk away and i don't know why i have such a hard time with it- but im struggling beyond words.

[Lynda0630]

hey breaking away...so different day different issues. I left him alone like everyone said and he ended up calling me last night. He went to the bar with his cousin and told me he would be home no later that 11. ok not a problem until he showed up at 12:30 instead. Needless to say he got home went to bed. He litterally held me all night which he hasn't done in a long time. But when we got up this morning it was right back to problems. My pants are to tight. my shirts to lowcut (which they are not) and then it turns into who are you trying to impress. We have teo bars that we go to. He swears I dont want to go to one of them cuz I gave a guymy number. I told him if you really wanna go lets go there. I have nothing to hide. Now he never invites me to the other bar he goes to. I asked him last night how come and he said cuz i usually have my daughter tonight and I was waiting on my friend to get there. Good reason but what's it going to be next time.

[Ms Darcy]

I think every new day will bring a new issue. But the theme will remain the same. You pull away a little, he comes back. After that fades, he goes back to his 'normal' self and makes lots of accusations.

 

I agree that it will end when you get sick of it.

[Breaking Away]

been there .. done that...

 

i've been accused of my jeans being too tight.

 

if i touch hair its because i want to look nice for another guy.

 

go read my journal- you'll see.

 

and yes i get the nights where he holds me sooooo tight and says "don't leave me, please, i'm sorry." and tears.. so sad.

 

i'm not buying it anymore.

 

This morning he told me to tell his kids that "life just got to be too much for him"

 

i told him if he keeps talking like that that i will call his superiors and have him comitted. Then i got an angry response about how i'm going to ruin his career and i planned all of this.

 

apparently i'm very creative...who knew.

[Lynda0630]

yeah when i tell him i want him hi says so you want "this" d*** tonight. he makes me feel like a * * * * when i know im not...where are you from breaking away?