Am I over-reacting?

[sunny_daze]

3 months ago I found 2 online profiles that my boyfriend posted in the "intimate" sections of two online dating websites. In both cases he said he was attached but looking for a discreet, on-going sexual relationship. We've been together for 2 years. One posting he set up a year ago and another one, this past September. So I confronted him on both of them (after letting it eat me alive for 3 weeks). The September one he said he did a long time ago and the other one from March he completely denied but he is a horrible liar so I know it's true. Needless to say, they have both been cancelled. But are there more?

 

Anyway, for the last 3 months I have been going through absolute hell because I've lost all my trust in the person I love the most. What he wrote in those profiles, even if he was checking out the websites for pure entertainment (which is BS), has totally broken my heart.

 

Another thing that worries me is he is very secretive of his cell phone and he only checks his email when I am not in the room. This is very concerning and really makes me wonder what is going on. He has a job which makes it easy for him to take long lunches and have "nooners". Once a month he parties with his buddies (we live an hour out of town) and he usually stays over when he goes out with them so he doesn't drink and drive. I want him to have friendships outside of our friendships and I want him to have fun and not drink and drive. But now everytime he does this, I go crazy wondering where he is actually spending the night.

 

So here is the kicker. My boyfriend is the most wonderful thing that has ever happeneded to me. He has been the perfect boyfriend for 2 years and that has never waivered. We have a great relationship and he is getting frequent and great sex. I have been in many crappy relationships and was married before so I know I have found a great thing. The 2 times I confronted him he told me how much he loves me and how much he wants to spend the rest of my days with me. He couldn't make a woman feel so secure in a relationship any more as he assures me every day like he has since day one. But my gut feeling tells me there is something just not right. Am I over-reacting because the relationship is so great that I am looking for fault?

 

Due to the fact that I cannot ignore my gut feelings, I hired a private investigator to read the emails on our computer. Everything seemed fine, minus his love for porn, which I have learned to accept since apparently all men love porn even if they are in a solid relationship. But the private investigator found an email to a woman who he has never mentioned before. At the beginning of February he wrote this woman an email saying that he wanted to f#$% her silly. Now that is not something you say to someone who is just a friend.

 

Since that email, he has done nothing to make me think he is still cheating on me. He must have in the last 2 years. You don't say things like that to "friends". He is very secretive about his cell phone and emails which worries me.

 

I don't know what to do. I've already confronted him twice. He has been more than wonderful. Now that I have hired this private investigator he would lose it if he found out as I would be breaching my trust with him too. It's just a mess. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus on my job. I have an appointment with a counsellor in a couple of days which hopefully will give me some direction on what to do.

 

Am I over-reacting? What kind of boyfriend tells another woman he wants to f$%^ her silly via email? One of the many email addresses he has by the way.

 

Any advice?

[Hopingpraying]

Well if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it probably is a duck.

 

The fact that you felt you had to hire a PI tells alot. I feel for you. It sounds like other then this you have a great relationship. Guys do stupid things and usually don't think about what they are doing until after it has already happened.

I can't say absolutely if he is cheating end the relationship. The thing is to find out why he is cheating. Not that there ever is an excuse for that..

 

I feel for you. I hope it works out for you guys you sound like a great couple.

[Princess777]

Hello,

 

I understand that you cannot trust your b/f and that you have hired a p.i. to find out what he's doing.

 

The red flags that you have indicated in your post are alarming, to say the least. I don't think you have any reason to take this lightly, however I don't know how serious you are with this guy but since you've been with him that long, he shouldn't be doing these things, but then again you're not married, right? Are you living together?

 

I advise to listen to yourself tell these issues..... he's on websites looking for sex, told a girl he wants to have sex with her, and keeps his phone and email under lock and key.... is this the kind of boyfriend you want, or do you want your man to be different than this? Do you do these things to him? I think it all depends on how much you respect yourself and what behavior you will allow in your life. Evidently he is not ready for total commitment and that can be devastating to you, and he hasn't even told you that. If you hadn't investigated, you wouldn't even be the wiser..... it's so hard to trust other people when they act like this.... think about this also: what if he has had or has sex with someone else and then gives you a disease? That is the kind of thing I could never forgive..... I hope you can find the strength to do the right thing, whatever feels right to you. Good luck.

[woobiegirl]

You are by no means "over-reacting" Glad to hear you have an appt. w/a professional. Go with an open mind and be prepared to listen to suggestions you may not want to hear. Often our emotions prevent us from seeing the real picture.

 

You describe your boyfriend as wonderful and mention other positive traits about him....but in my opinion being sneaky, sending sexual e-mails to other women, spending the night out to party all devastates the "good". It's absolutely not acceptable in any way, shape or form...and is destroying you inside as well as intrusive to your daily well-being. Trust is of major importance in any relationship whether it's new or long-term.

 

Focus on yourself and take control. Hope we hear good news back...you sound like a wonderful, caring person and out there in this complicated world "one" special guy is waiting for you!

 

take care,

Woobiegirl

[sunny_daze]

Thank you all for your feedback. It means a lot to me. I am a person who normally makes decisions easily. But because I believe this could be a great relationship if we can work through this, I am thinking everything through in great detail and seeking help where ever I can. I am not good at asking for help but I need it now.

 

Another question I have, how can I approach this with him? I do not want to acuse him of cheating because he will jump to defence or lie or maybe I am way off. I DO need to talk to him about this though. I want to work through how and why this happened because I can't ignore it. I've asked him if he ever cheated on me or any girlfriend in the past and he says he has never done that to anyone or me. How can I bring this up again? Can I first start the conversation by saying I believe that we can get through anything together as long as we talk about it.

 

What are you suggestions to be able to discuss is openly. Make he know I will not leave him IF we can work through it.

 

Thank you again for your support. Any more suggestions would be appreciated as I need to get this resolved so I can have my life back. Our life back if that is possible but I need this for me.

[sunny_daze]

I love him more that I have ever loved anyone. But there are so many red flags that scream out that I would be an idiot to stay in the relationship. I have more self-respect than to let someone treat me this way. I deserve to be treated better than this. I've settled for second best once before and will never sell myself short again.

 

I will still speak with the counsellor this week. I will cancel the PI because I am going into debt over it and just move out.

 

If I can't trust him and he continues to lie to me, then it is time for me to move on.

 

I thought he was the one. He IS the one but I am not willing to share him with other women anymore as this has been going on for a least a year now. I wish he could just tell me the truth and we could work through it but he is too much of a chicken-s#$% to admit it and lose me. Well he lost me now anyway. Who knows, he may always have this problem and I can no longer be apart of that.

 

So my heart is broken yet I can start to heal, move on, not constantly worry about it. Man, it's going to be hard. This is the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

 

Why do we even bother letting ourselves fall in love? Why do we torture ourselves like this? Life is too short to spend it hurting this much.

[Xandra]

Sounds like you have been having a very rough time. I know what it feels like to love someone more than you love yourself, and because of that, you tend to ignore strong intuition and "gut feeling" that there may be something going on.

 

You sound like a strong, independent and intelligent person. To be frank, I don't see why any man would want to take a woman like you for granted. Believe me, there are not many women who are as understanding, caring, and level-headed out there as you seem to be. That being said, why the heck would ANY man YOU choose to be with take you for granted and betray you? I don't want to seem harsh, but setting up profiles on internet dating sites in the "intimate section", saying he wants to have sex with another woman is beyond unacceptable. There is NO WAY you should tolerate that. I have seen enough heartache to know that people like this are the way they are, and they don't change. Maybe temporarily until the smoke clears ... but what happens if you guys hit a rough spot? Do you want to spend nights and weekends - time that you have to relax after a hard work week - wondering where he is, what he's doing and who he might be seeing? Don't voluntarily place yourself in that situation.

 

You're too good for that. Just by your posts I can tell that you are an articulate and kind person. There is someone out there for you who WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL, appreciated and loved. Do you feel loved right now? I don't see how that's possible given everything you've learned over the past few months.

 

If I were in your position, I'd try to ease my way out. In a month after you're apart from him, you'll realize that you're a stronger person now, someone who won't put up with crap like that. Life is too short and there are already too many things we have to deal with (or will have to deal with) that are going to be difficult. Spend the time you have on this earth surrounding yourself with people who love you and know you best. I'm sorry this is going to be blunt - a man who is seeking sexual contact outside of your relationship, then LYING about it does not have the same values or morals as you. This is probably a man who will end up cheating on you if he hasn't already. Maybe it's just me, but I think his actions are unforgiveable.

 

I wish you strength and happiness ... you have the ability to be strong through this!!

[sunny_daze]

Thanks Xandra. You weren't being blunt just honest. I appreciate that. I wish more people were like that. I have finally come to a decision and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted. It still hurts just as much but I know I can't go on living like this. I can't going on wondering when and if and not trusting someone I had planned on spending the rest of my life with.

 

I had found some peace but know there is a rocky road ahead. But I'm pretty tough and I know I can get through this.

 

Now the healing begins. The key word being "begins" instead of continuing under the immense stress, hurt and anger I have been under for 3 months. Life definitely is too short for that.

 

My decision is final and now I can move on.

 

Thank you all for your posts and feedback.

[Xandra]

My decision is final and now I can move on.

 

I applaud your perseverance, strength, and intelligence. If only the rest of us would follow that example when the time comes to do so!! lol

 

Seriously though, I'm almost jealous of that kind of decision-making. Do you mind if I ask how he took the news? What did he have to say?

[sunny_daze]

Hahahaha, I haven't gotten to that part yet.

 

I figure that we both must have a twisted idea of what love is. If I loved him enough to trust him I wouldn't have hired a PI to read emails.

 

If he loved me, he wouldn't have cheated on me and/or set me up to think he was cheating on me to test to see if I was reading his emails.

 

People who love each other do not treat other like this. Now I just have to tell him. .................

[sunny_daze]

I finally did it and "attempted" to break up with my boyfriend last night. I went home (we live together) and told him I was breaking up with him because love shouldn't hurt this much and two people who supposedly love each other shouldn't hurt each other like we have.

 

He said he will do anything to keep me. There are still tons of unanswered questions. I don't know what to believe. I do not know if I will ever believe or trust him again. BUT I have my sanity back.

 

Either we work this out or we don't. I hope we can and I hope to be able to trust him again, but I will not live my life as I have. Not eating, sleeping or being able to focus. My whole world has been totally consumed with wondering if he has been cheating on me. Life is too short to throw away my health and peace of mind just for a guy. Call me selfish, but I'm more important than that.

 

So where that leaves us, I have no idea but at least things have come to a head and a resolution will come about. I do not know what that will be but a resolution is what I need and I am going to get it.

[Sooz]

I really admire your strength and determination, it's just too hard to end a relationship when there is still love. But when you spend more time crying, worrying and being depressed than happy, it's time to consider if the relationship is worth all the pain. Maybe you're just to deep in the relationship that can't be as objective as you would like. Maybe a short break may clear things for you as well as for him.

 

It's a good thing that you're seeking professional help, maybe you could ask your boyfriend to come along and take counselling for couples. It seems like you love each other very deeply, so If he wants to fight for your love, he will accept your conditions.

 

I wish you the best of lucks!!