Down day today--overwhelmed at the thought of "getting back out there"

[Carpe Diem]

I'm 5 weeks into the breakup with my GF. We've been NC basically since the beginning, except for a call on my birthday 3 weeks ago that we planned when we were splitting. The NC has helped a lot for me to get my thoughts straight. I finally am at the point where I don't feel an emptiness in my heart for the entire day anymore.

 

This weekend I was even starting to be able to think about getting out and meeting other people (new friends as well as potential dates). (Starting to read the "Attraction and Flirting" board more than the breaking up boards!) But today I've felt kind of down all day, and I think it's partly due to being overwhelmed at the thought of getting back out there.

 

Maybe I'm just expecting too much too soon. It's just that I've read so many ENA threads that I know what the right course of action is, and I'm looking forward to new opportunities. But sometimes it just doesn't feel right because I spend most of the day thinking about her. Maybe I just need to be satisfied with looking hopefully at all the possibilities for new activities and new connections, and not worry about getting everything started right away.

 

Anyone else ever feel like they know they need to get back out there eventually, but your heart is not always in it?

[pumpkinmoon]

I think you need to take your time and go at your own pace. There is plenty of time and it will happen when it is meant to.

 

You are just having a little set back. It won't last long. I found with my break up that all the little set backs and down days I had made the good days seem so much better. Every time you have a bad day or bad few days the next batch of good days will be better than the last. I think this is how it works until you finally get over it.

[jazzy_b]

CarpeDiem

Hang on there! NC is not a smooth ride and days like this will push you far to get back in touch or make you feel lost. But believe me it will go away. Take it one day at a time and you will come out stronger on the other side.

I would suggest going outside for a run or to the gym or hang out with friends to keep you on track. Whatever you do , remember it will get better.

[Carpe Diem]

Going to the gym has been my activity of choice when I have a bad day. Part of it too is that my ex and I were long distance for a while up until we broke up, and I was planning on moving to be with her, so I didn't put the effort I otherwise normally would have to build friends when I moved to the city I'm in now even though I had wanted to get out more even when we were together. So now that I don't have everything all in place, I'm wanting to live for myself and build up the social network that I never did. It's hard because not only do I not have a ton of friends to be able to go out with and take my mind off the breakup, but I also have to do what I need to do to make more friends.

 

Some days the pain from the breakup and the pressure to change my life all mix to form an evil combo.

[jenny_mcs]

There are going to be lots of ups and downs during this time. The idea of "getting back out there' would be overwhelming to most people, I bet. Instead of thinking about it that way, why not, for the moment think about one thing you can do that will bring some positive stuff into your life? Sign-up for a class, join a intramural sports team, just one thing that will get you out of the house and in contact with some new people. Don't put pressure on yourself to transform your entire life right now.

 

off topic- I like your icon. one of my best friends just got a fleur-de-lis tattoo (he's from New Orleans).

[Carpe Diem]

There are going to be lots of ups and downs during this time. The idea of "getting back out there' would be overwhelming to most people, I bet. Instead of thinking about it that way, why not, for the moment think about one thing you can do that will bring some positive stuff into your life? Sign-up for a class, join a intramural sports team, just one thing that will get you out of the house and in contact with some new people. Don't put pressure on yourself to transform your entire life right now.

 

off topic- I like your icon. one of my best friends just got a fleur-de-lis tattoo (he's from New Orleans).

 

Sometimes it does help me to set a small goal, even if it's relatively insignificant. Saying to myself "I'm going to research tennis lessons this week" or "I'm going to go to one new meetup event this week" rather than thinking about the bigger picture helps. Or even just looking at cute link removed profiles moves you into the realm of imagining yourself on a date with someone else. But then sometimes you just wonder how you'll ever be able to go through with it on a regular basis.

 

(I'm from New Orleans as well! Having the fleur-de-lis as a tattoo is an awesome idea.)

[jenny_mcs]

Sometimes it does help me to set a small goal, even if it's relatively insignificant. Saying to myself "I'm going to research tennis lessons this week" or "I'm going to go to one new meetup event this week" rather than thinking about the bigger picture helps. Or even just looking at cute link removed profiles moves you into the realm of imagining yourself on a date with someone else. But then sometimes you just wonder how you'll ever be able to go through with it on a regular basis.

 

(I'm from New Orleans as well! Having the fleur-de-lis as a tattoo is an awesome idea.)

 

Yes, I definitely think it's the wondering how'll you'll get through it all on a regular basis. I remember when I went through my worst break-up. I was getting out more, investigating new activities, etc. But still, like you, every once in a while it all seemed overwhelming. I would wake up and think "Is this really my life?" It does get better, I promise you that.

 

Maybe when the worst has passed, you could get that fleur-de-lis tattoo- you are resilient, just like New Orleans!

[canali]

i hear you, man...i've been holed up on the weekends mostly by myself reading reading reading/healing healing healing...the thought of trying to ''make nice'' to strangers doesn't turn my crank.

 

Right now I need social interaction in my life so am going AWOL in the dating dept...too much for me right now. (but miss the sex!)....friends are what I need, NOT a babe.

 

that said, however: ALOT of people are just like you and I out there, bro: wanting love and connection in the most basic human form...sure you'll click with some people and not with others...such is life...i'm trying to really expand my social circle nowadays with meetups volunteering and toastmasters...attending new gigs on my own even to strike up conversations

(so always carry a business card with you!)

 

Try this out: go in with NO expectations (that way your enjoyment can only go UP)...have a thick skin against those people you won't 'click' with so well...be flexible in just trying something new to 'shake yourself up' / open your heart/mind/spirit.

My final tip: look at making new friends FIRST as acquaintances: keeping things light, having things in common (an activity/hobby) and treat it like a sales call: of every 10 prospective acquaintances/friends you'll get a 10% return of interest in you (the product)...so know your product, your market segment and go and have fun...that way you're dealing with it strategically and not taking things so seriously, too.

 

That is the thing about sales I love: we focus and hone in/do our research/have an EGO but when we don't get the 'sale' we let go and move on....just try it in terms of getting out there bro...it lightens things up a bit.

 

any other tips (hey I can use them too)!

 

I also went onto google and just did a search under 'ways to meet new people and make new friends' (or however you wish to write it out)...you'll get some good ideas...feel free to please share!

[Carpe Diem]

I would wake up and think "Is this really my life?" It does get better, I promise you that.

 

I know that feeling exactly! I'm just starting now to get through the day without feeling like this has to be some sort of bad dream that I would wake up from and go back to my normal life.

[Carpe Diem]

I've been doing the same thing--getting involved in new activities to meet new people just as friends. (Or at least thinking about it and planning it, not executing it so well yet.) Until you get in a situation where you're lacking in a social network, you don't realize how much work it is to meet new friends. In some ways, dating is easier because at least then you know the other people you meet are doing the same thing you are.

[ratfreak]

Hang in there!

I'm just slowly stepping out and hanging out with new friends.

It's scary but meeting a new person will be so refreshing!

 

It's been 5 weeks since my ex left me and I still think about him most of the time but I also met a new guy and am going to try to be friends. I've also started doing all the things I like and used to do with my ex but now I take a friend with me or go by myself.

 

It does get better!

[StillConfused]

i dread the thought of getting back out there. LOL I am terrified that I will meet the same hurtful person I broke up with.

[ratfreak]

You can't think like that!

There are great people out there who will treat you well.

 

I'm not really looking to be with someone long term right now but making new friends and trying things you haven't before feels so much better.

 

Don't let someone stop you from finding your happiness again!

[Carpe Diem]

Exactly, StillConfused. Just tell yourself that you've learned about yourself and what you need to better screen out and avoid people who are hurtful.

[StillConfused]

Thanks you two. I am supposed to be older and wiser...LOL but it seems as if I may need to listen to others points of views instead of what i am used to. Old ladies in my office who say it's better to be alone. LOL NOT!!! I am happy to be here and top have you all here to support me. i am also happy to be here for you all too. i think it is theraputic( if that's how you spell it ) LOL

[canali]

Still confused: check out a really good book by susan Jeffers called"feel the fear and do it anyway" also by her "embracing uncertainty" good reads good exercises too...she also has a website if you do a google search.

[loulee]

Get happy on your own first..establish what you need as a single person then when you reach that contentment move forward and begin dating again slowly you are clealry not ready for this right now and you know it...take your time

[peace_lily]

I started "getting out there" four months after the breakup of my 2.5 year relationship. I can tell you without a question that it was too soon. The 2nd-5th dates ended with me in tears.

 

Luckily I met a really nice guy who really likes me and didn't hold it against me. Now i'm having a great time with him and I even think of him when he's not around.

 

I still think about my ex every day, but he's not the only thing I think about.

 

It's your decision whether you are ready or not. I write only to say that sometimes, even if it turns out you aren't ready, you get there eventually.

[viajera]

Yeah, I hear you CarpeDiem and StillConfused - I've been seriously burned twice now, the second time just as I thought I'd finally overcome my issues from the last truly serious relationship and began trusting people again. Only to be lied to and taken advantage of again, though admittedly far less seriously and manipulatively than before. It's going to be a LONG darn time before I can figure out how to trust people again without being taken advantage of. I still don't know how to go about it. The only "good" guy I met who didn't lie to me frankly bored me to death - we had next to nothing in common. I want to believe that there's someone out there who I'm compatible with, attracted to and vice versa, and who is responsible and honest - but at this point I'm not convinced.

 

PS - I lived in NOLA for a while post-K, and have been kicking around the idea of a fleur-de-lis tattoo too. I think it's a great idea!

[Carpe Diem]

Get happy on your own first..establish what you need as a single person then when you reach that contentment move forward and begin dating again slowly you are clealry not ready for this right now and you know it...take your time

I do realize I'm not ready, but sometimes I wish I could just meet someone new for a drink with no expectations, you know? I have no desire to start another relationship for now, but I think it would pick me up to know that I can still do it--still have a fun conversation, still make someone laugh. I miss that, and it's not the same doing it with friends. But sometimes I feel like I want to do it once and then never see the person again, because I can't be there for someone else as part of a relationship right now. But I guess that's selfish and not fair to the other person--but I need selfish thoughts these days, even if I never act on them.