Don't make my mistake!!!

[rivergirl]

Okay so I have been feeling really good about the no contact deal. Then I started to question it. Bad idea. I though jeez he has been the one calling. And I thought maybe it was a mistake. He had called on Valentine's Day but I missed his call. He then called the next night just to make sure he got a hold of me. We had a nice talk. I hadn't called back until...

 

Fast forward to this weekend and I start thinking I should call. For all I know Valentine's Day was his attempt to extend a friendly hand or more. He might have taken my not calling to mean I didn't care or hated him or who knows. So I called!!! WHY?!?! I don't know now. He didn't answer so I left him a voice mail. Told him I might call back later. I called back the next night to his house but no one answered. I didn't leave a message and did not try to call tonight.

 

But jeez where i thought it might make me feel better to attempt a communication. Now I'm just sitting around feeling really cruddy that he's not calling back. I really expected he would call back. Our relationship really ended on a not so horrible note. No begging pleading or screaming. Now I don't know what to do.

 

Call again later this week?? I have made some really big life decisions lately that I know he will be really happy/proud to hear about. And I did say I'd call back later... AHHHH!!!!! What to do???

 

So anyway if your questioning whether to call or not. DON'T!!!!! You might end up like me!!! Be careful!!!!

[emma]

Hey,

 

Don't feel too bad about it, but don't call back. If he wants to hear from you he knows how to reach you. So let him call you back if he wants. You already called twice, he knows you tried to get a hold of him. You might call him back in one week or so, and if he doesn't pick up, leave another message just saying you wanted to say hi, but don't say you will call back. But for now don't call, it will make you feel worse.

 

Don't worry too much about this, just get back to focusing on yourself. There's nothing that is so irreversible, just forget about it for now.

[routerx]

The No Contact Rule: Interesting, but I don't agree.

 

I believe you always need to follow your heart.

 

It is worse to wonder if you could have done more than it is to wonder if they will ever call back.

[rivergirl]

Well he called me. He called tonight for a very brief chat. He was on his way out for the night. I told him lots of very exciting things that are going on right now in my life. He was very pleased with all of them. We live very far apart but he knows my family and friends here. He's worked with a lot of my friends, and spent some very important moments with my family. He told me to please tell everyone he knew hello for him and he hoped they were all well and that it was great to talk to me again. AHHHHHH!!!!!! Why does he have to be so gosh darn nice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wouldn't it be great sometimes if they could just be complete dicks to us! It would almost make life easier. I had recovered from him not returning my call and was feeling pretty darn good. Then of course he calls and I feel bad again. I just wish things would have worked out. Oh well. I think I'll go cry for awhile. And all from a very nice polite phone call.

[drumrboy]

Hey Rivergirl ~

 

I think you've just hit on the reason the "no contact rule" was invented -- to protect us from the inevitable ups and downs that come with this type of scenario. The problem is, we all want to maintain this contact with our "ex" in the hopes of receiving one...and ONLY one...message: I want you back. And in the abscence of either a.) that message or b.) a statement of "I never want you back. We are done.", we end up stuck in a torturous limbo. Since A and B are the only Black and White responses, everything else is a gray area that our minds and heart cannot deal with. thereforeeee, "no contact" is our waay of protecting our selves. When we initiate the no contact to our partners, it is our way of saying " we want different things right now. And I cannot survive in the gray area. So if you decide you want the black or white, then we can maybe talk. But until then -- no dice."

 

In lieu of a renewed commitment from them, we NEED to protect and care for ourselves. We need to heal. And i'm sure you've heard this analogy before: having inconsistent contact is like allowing a wound to scab over, only to pull to the scab off and force it to start healing. This of course prevents it from evernn fully healing....and maybe leaving you with a permanent scar.

 

I hope that helps in some way.

 

ps... I know exactly how you feel about the "polite" thing. My ex is the sweetest thing on the planet. And sadly, that just makes it harder for me to find the black and white -- all the "niceness" makes me see gray and believe that there is more there than there really is.

[SincerlyHurt]

The black, white and gray analogies that drumrboy likens us to are great. That is my problem, I know my gal is not sure of even what she wants so all I get is gray matter to analyze. It will drive you nuts fast.

 

The best thing is to let them contact you and then do whatever it takes to remain upbeat. Great post.

[rivergirl]

Well today is a new day and I feel great. We had a nice chat last night. And we were both genuinely excited to talk. Maybe I'm just being idealistic but if I can't have him as my significant other I would love him as my friend. So I actually feel great about calling him and having him ring back. He said it was great to talk to me and I believe him. I have no false expectations out of this. I of course want him back but I know us calling each other is only the result of the fact that we were inseperable the whole time we were together and saying goodbye to that is hard. Hopefully we never will not talk to each other. We both have big changes in our lives right now that wouldn't probably be happening if we were together. We both need to grow up a bit. And who knows what the future holds, right?